The Visions of Dom Francisco de Quevedo Villegas

by Francisco de Quevedo

I was diverted from this meditation, by the rueful groans of a great many souls that were under the lash, and the devil tyrannising over them with whips and scourges. I asked what they were, and it was told me, that there was a plot among the hackney-coachmen to exhibit an information against the devils, for taking the whip out of their hands, and setting up a trade they had never served to, (which is directly contrary to Quinto Elizabethæ). “Well,” said I: “but why are these tormented here?” With that, an old sour-looked coachman took the answer out of the devil’s mouth, and told me, that it was because they came to hell a horseback, which they pretended was a privilege that did not belong to rogues of their quality. “Speak truth, and be hanged,” cried the devil; “and make an honest confession here. Say, sirrah, how many bawdy voyages have you made to Hackney? How many nights have you stood pimping at Marybone? How many whores and knaves have you brought together? And how many lies have you told, to keep all private, since you first set up this scandalous trade?” There was a coachman by, that had served a judge, and thought ’twas no more for his old master to fetch a rascal out of hell than out of Newgate; which made this fellow stand upon his points, and ask the devil, how he durst give that language to so honourable a profession; “for,” says he, “who wears better clothes than your coachmen? Are not we in our velvets, embroideries, and laces? and as glorious as so many phaetons? Have not our masters reason to be good to us, when their necks are at stake and their lives at our mercy? Nay, we govern those, many times, that govern kingdoms; and a prince is almost in as much danger of his coachman as of his physician. And there are that understand it too, and themselves, and us; and that will not stick to trust their coachmen as far as they would do their confessors. There’s no absurdity in the comparison; for if they know some of their privacies, we know more; yes, and perhaps more than we’ll speak of.” “What have we here to do?” cried a devil that was ready to break his heart with laughing. “A coachman in his tropes and figures? An orator instead of a waggoner? The slave has broke his bridle, and got his head at liberty, and now he’ll never have done.” “No, why should he?” says another that had served a great lady more ways than one. “Is this the best entertainment you can afford your servants? your daily drudges? I’m sure we bring you good commodity, well packed; well conditioned; well perfumed; right, neat, and clean: not like your city-ware that comes dirty to you, up to the hocks; and yet every daggle-tailed wench, and skip-kennel, shall be better used than we. Ah! The ingratitude of this place! If we had done as much for somebody else, as we have done for you, we should not have been now to seek for our wages. When you have nothing else to say, you tell me that I am punished for carrying the sick, the gouty, the lame, to church, to mass; or some straggling virgins, back again to their cloister: which is a damned lie; for I am able to prove, that all my trading lay at the play-houses, bawdy-houses, taverns, balls, collations: or else at the Tour à la Mode, where there was still appointed some after-meeting; to treat of certain affairs, that highly import the interest and welfare of your dominions. I have indeed carried my mistress sometimes to the church door, but it signified no more than if I had carried her to a conventicle; for all her business there was to meet her gallant, and to agree when they should meet next; according to the way of devotion now in mode. To conclude: It is most certain, that I never took any creature (knowingly) into my coach, that had so much as a good thought. And this was so well known, that it was all one to ask, If a lady were a maid, or if she had ever been in my coach. If it appeared she had, he that married her knew beforehand what he had to trust to. And after all this, ye have made us a fair requital.” With that the devil fell a-laughing, and with five or six twinging jerks, half flayed the poor coachman; so that I was e’en glad to retire, in pity partly to the coachman and partly to myself; for the currying of a coachman is little better than the turning up of a dunghill.

My next adventure was into a deep vault, where I began immediately to shudder, and my teeth chattered in my head. I asked the meaning of it; and there came up to me a devil, with kibed heels and his toes all mortified; and told me that that quarter was allotted to the buffoons and drolls, “which are a people,” says he, “of so starved a conceipt, and so cold a discourse, that we are fain to chain and lock them up, for fear they should spoil the temper of our fire.” I asked if a man might see them. The devil told me yes, and showed me one of the lewdest kennels in hell. And there were they at it, pecking at one another, and nothing but the same fooleries over and over again that they had practised upon earth. Among the buffoons, I saw divers that passed here in the world for men of honesty and honour; which were in, as the devil told me, for flattery, and were a sort of buffoon, that goes betwixt the bark and the tree. “But, why are they condemned?” said I. “The other buffoons are condemned,” quoth the devil, “for want of favour; and these, for having too much, and abusing it. You must know, they come upon us, still at unawares; and yet they find all things in readiness; the cloth laid, and the bed made, as if they were at home. To say the truth, we have some sort of kindness for them; for they save us a great deal of trouble, in tormenting one another.

“Do you see him there? That was a wicked, and a partial judge; and all he has to say for himself, is, that he remembers the time when he could have broke the neck of two honest causes, and he put them only out of joint. That good fellow there was a careless husband, and him we lodge too with the buffoons. He sold his wife’s portion, wife and all, to please his companions; and turned both into an annuity. That lady there (though a great one) is fain to take up too with the buffoons, for they are both of a humour: what they do with their talk, she does with her body, and seasons it to all appetites. In a word, you shall find buffoons in all conditions; and, in effect, there are nigh as many as there are men and women: for the whole world is given to jeering, slandering, backbiting, and there are more natural buffoons than artificial.”

At my going out of the vault, I saw a matter of a thousand devils following a drove of pastry-men, and breaking their heads as they passed along, with iron peels. “Alack!” cried one of them, that was yet in a whole skin, “it is hard the sin of the flesh should be laid to our charge, that never had to do with women.” “Impudent, nasty rascals,” quoth a devil, “who has deserved hell, if they have not? How many thousand men have these slovens poisoned, with the grease of their heads and tails, instead of mutton-suet? with snot-pies for marrow; and flies for currants? How many stomachs have they turned into lay-stalls with the dogs’-flesh, horse-flesh and other carrion that they have put into them? And do these rogues complain (in the devil’s name) of their sufferings! Leave your bawling, ye whelps,” says he, “and know, that the pain you endure is nothing to that of your tormentors. And for your part,” says he, to me, with a sour look, “because you are a stranger, you may go about your business; but we have a crow to pluck with these fellows, before we part.”

I went next down a pair of stairs into a huge cellar, where I saw men burning in unquenchable fire; and one of them roaring, cried out, “I never over-sold; I never sold, but at conscionable rates, why am I punished thus?” I durst have sworn it had been Judas, but going nearer to him, to see if he had a red head, I found him to be a merchant of my acquaintance, that died not long since. “How now, old Martin,” said I, “art thou there?” He was dogged, because I did not call him Sir, and made no answer. I saw his grief, and told him how much he was to blame, to cherish that vanity even in hell, that had brought him thither. “And what do ye think on’t now,” said I, “had not you better have traded in blacks than Christians? Had not you better have contented yourself with a little, honestly got, than run the hazard of your soul for an estate; and have gone to heaven afoot, rather than to the devil on horseback?” My friend was as mute as a fish; whether out of anger, shame, or grief, I know not. And then a devil in office took up the discourse. “These pickpocket rogues,” says he, “did they think to govern the world with their own weights and measures, in secula seculorum? Methinks, the blinking and false lights of their shops should have minded them of their quarter, in the other world, aforehand. And ’tis all a case, with jewellers, goldsmiths, and other trades, that serve only to flatter and bolster up the world in luxury and folly. But if people would be wise, these youths should have little enough to do. For what’s their cloth of gold and silver, their silks, their diamond and pearl, (which they sell at their own price) but matter of mere wantonness and superfluity? These are they that inveigle ye into all sorts of extravagant expenses, and so ruin ye insensibly, under colour of kindness and credit. For they set everything at double the rate; and if you keep not touch at your day, your persons are imprisoned, your goods seized, and your estates extended. And they that helped to make you princes before, are now the forwardest to put you into the condition of beggars.”

The devil would have talked on, if I had given him the hearing, but there was such a laugh set up on one side of me, as if they would all have split; and I went to see what the matter was; for ’twas a strange thing, methought, to hear them so merry in hell. The business was, there were two men upon a scaffold, in Gentile habits, gaping as loud as they could bawl. One of them had a great parchment in his hand, displayed, with divers’ labels hanging at it, and several seals. I thought at first it might have been execution-day, and took the writing for a pardon or reprieve. At every word they spoke, a matter of seven or eight thousand devils burst out a-laughing, as they would have cracked their sides. And this again made me think, it might be some jack-pudding or mountebank, showing his tricks or his attestations, with his congregation of fools about him. But, nearer hand, I found my mistake; and that the devils’ mirth made the gentlemen angry. At last, I perceived that this great earnestness of theirs was only to make out their pedigree, and get themselves passed for gentlemen; the parchment being a testimonial from the Heralds Office to that purpose. “My father,” says he with the writing in’s hand, “bore arms for His Majesty in many honourable occasions of watching and warding; and has made many a tall fellow speak to the constable, at all hours of the night. My uncle was the first man that ever was of the Order of the Black-Guard: and we have had five brave commanders of our family, by my father’s side, that have served the State in the quality of marshal’s men and turnkeys, and given His Majesty a fair account of all the prisoners committed to their charge. And by my mother’s side, it will not be denied but that I am honourably descended; for my grandmother was never without a dozen chamber-maids and nurses in family.” “It may be ’twas her trade,” quoth the devil, “to procure services and servants, and consequently to deal in that commodity.” “Well, well,” said the cavalier, “she was what she was; and I’m sure I tell you nothing but truth. Her husband wore a sword, by his place, for he was a Deputy-Marshal; and to prove myself a man of honour, I have it here in black and white, under the Seal of the Office. Why must I then be quartered among a pack of rascals?” “My gentleman friend,” quoth the devil, “your grandfather wore a sword, as he was usher to a fencing school; and we know very well what his son and grandchild can pretend to. But let that pass; you have led a wicked and infamous life, and spent your time in whoring, drinking, blaspheming, and in lewd company; and do you tell us now of the privileges of your nobility? Your testimonials; and the Seal of the Office? A fart for your privileges, testimonials, office and all. There is no honour, but virtue. And if your children, though they had a scoundrel to their father, should come to do honourable and worthy things, we should look upon them as persons sacred, and not dare to meddle with them. But talking is time lost; you were ever a couple of pitiful fellows, and your tails scarce worth the scalding. Have at ye,” says he, and at that word, with a huge iron bar he gave him such a salute over the buttocks, that he took two or three turns in the air, heels over head, and dropped at last into the common-shore; where never any man as yet found the bottom.

When his companion had seen him cut that caper, “This usage,” says he, “may be well enough for a parchment gentleman; but for a cavalier of my extraction, and profession, I suppose you’ll treat him with somewhat more of civility and respect.” “Cavalier,” quoth the devil, “if you have brought no better plea along with you than the antiquity of your house, you may e’en follow your comrade, for ought I know, for we find very few ancient families that had not some oppressor or usurper for their founders; and they are commonly continued by the same means they were begun. How many are there of our titular nobility, that write Noble purely upon the account of their violence and injustice? Their subjects and tenants, what with impositions, hard services, and racked rents, are they not worse than slaves? If they happen to have anything extraordinary, as a pleasant fruit, a handsome colt, a good cow; and that the landlord, or his sweet lady take a liking to it, they must either submit to part with it gratis, or else take their pay in foul language or bastinadoes. And ’tis well if they ’scape so: for many times when the sign’s in Gemini, their wives and daughters go to pot, without any regard of laws either sacred or profane. What damned blasphemies and imprecations do they make use of, to get credit with a mistress or a creditor, upon a faithless promise! How intolerable is their pride and insolence, even towards many considerable officers, both in Church and State! for they behave themselves as if all people below their quality and rank in the world were but as so many brutes, or worse. As if human blood were not all of a colour; as if nature had not brought them into the world the common way, or moulded them of the same materials with the meanest wretches upon the earth. And then, for such as have military charges and commands, how many great officers are there, that without any consideration of their own, or their princes’ honour, fall to spoil and pillage? Cozening the State with false musters, and the soldiers of their pay; and giving them, instead of their due from the prince, a liberty of taking what is not their due from the people; forcing them to take the bread out of the poor labourers’ mouths to fill their own bellies, and protecting them when they have done in the most execrable outrages imaginable. And when the poor soldier comes at last to be dismissed, or disbanded; lame, sick, beggarly, naked almost, and enraged; with nothing left him to trust to but the highway to keep him from starving. What mischief is there in the world, that these men are not the cause of? How many good families are utterly ruined, and at this day in the hospital, for trusting to their oaths and promises! and becoming bound for them, for vast sums of money to maintain them in tipple, and whores, and in all sorts of luxury and riot?” This rhetorical devil would have said a thousand times more, but that his companions called him off, and told him they had business elsewhere. The cavalier hearing that, “My friend,” said he, “your morals are very good, but yet with your favour, all men are not alike.” “There’s never a barrel better herring,” said the devil, “you are all of ye tainted with original sin, and if you had been any better than your fellows you had never been sent hither. But if you are indeed so noble, as you say, you’re worth the burning, if ’twere but for your ashes. And that you may have no cause of complaint, you shall see, we’ll treat you like a person of your condition.” And in that instant, two devils presented themselves; the one of them bridled and saddled; and the other, doing the office of the squire; holding the stirrup, with his left hand, and giving the gentleman a lift into the saddle with the other. Which was no sooner done, but away he went like an arrow out of a bow. I asked the devil then into what country he carried him. And he told me, not far: for ’twas only matter of decorum, to send the nobility to hell a-horseback. “Look on that side now,” says he, and so I did; and there I saw the poor cavalier in a huge furnace, with the first inventors of nobility, and arms: as Cain, Cham, Nimrod, Esau, Romulus, Tarquin, Nero, Caligula, Domitian, Heliogabalus; and a world of other brave fellows, that had made themselves famous by usurpation and blood. The place was a little too hot for me, and so I retired, meditating on what I had heard; and not a little satisfied with the discourse of so learned a devil. Till that time I took the devil for a notorious liar; but I find now that he can speak the truth too, when he pleases; and I would not for all I am worth but have heard him preach.

When I was thus far, my curiosity carried me still farther; and within twenty yards I came to a huge muddy, stinking lake, near twice as big as that of Geneva; and heard in’t so strange a noise that I was almost out of my wits to know what it was. They told me that the lake was stored with Doüegnas, or Gouvernantes, which are turned into a kind of frogs in hell, and perpetually drivelling, sputtering, and croaking. Methought the conversion was apt enough; for they are neither fish, nor flesh, no more than frogs; and only the lower parts of them are man’s-meat, but their heads are enough to turn a very good stomach. I could not but laugh to see how they gaped, and stretched out their legs as they swam, and still as we came near they’d scud away and dive.

This was no place to stay in, there was so noisome a vapour; and so I struck off, upon the left hand, where I saw a number of old men beating their breasts and tearing their faces, with bitter groans and lamentations. It made my heart ache to see them, and I asked what they were: answer was made, that I was now in the quarter of the fathers that damned themselves to raise their posterity; which were called by some, the unadvised. “Wretch that I am!” cried one of them, “the greatest penitent that ever lived, never suffered the mortification I have endured. I have watched, I have fasted, I have scarce had any clothes to my back; my whole life has been a restless course of torment, both of body and mind: and all this, to get money for my children; that I might see them well married; buy them places at court, or procure them some other preferment in the world: starving myself in the conclusion, rather than I would lessen the provision I had made for my posterity. And yet, notwithstanding this my fatherly care, I was scarce sooner dead, than forgotten: and my next heir buried me without tears, or mourning; and indeed without so much as paying of legacies, or praying for my soul: as if they had already received certain intelligence of my damnation. And to aggravate my sorrows, the prodigals are now squandering and consuming that estate, in gaming, whoring, and debauches, which I had scraped together by so much industry, vexation and oppression, and for which I suffer at this instant such insupportable torments.” “This should have been thought on before,” cried a devil, “for sure you have heard of the old saying, ‘Happy is the child whose father goes to the devil.’” At which word, the old misers brake out into fresh rage and lamentation, tearing their flesh, with tooth and nail, in so rueful a manner, that I was no longer able to endure the spectacle.

A little farther there was a dark, hideous prison, where I heard the clattering of chains, the crackling of flames, the slapping of whips, and a confused outcry of complaints. I asked what quarter this was; and they told me it was the quarter of the Oh that I had’s! “What are those,” said I? Answer was made, that they were a company of brutish sots, so absolutely delivered up to vice, that they were damned insensibly, and in hell before they were aware. They are now reflecting upon their miscarriages and omissions, and perpetually crying out, “Oh that I had examined my conscience!” “Oh that I had frequented the Sacraments!” “Oh that I had humbled myself with fasting, and prayer!” “Oh that I had served God as I ought!” “Oh that I had visited the sick, and relieved the poor!” “Oh that I had set a watch before the door of my lips!”