By this time I had enough of hell, and began to wish myself out again; but as I was looking about for a retreat, I stumbled upon a long gallery before I was aware: and there I saw Lucifer himself, with all his nobility about him, male and female. (For let married men say their pleasure, there are she-devils too,) I should have been at a damned loss what to do, or how to behave myself among so many strange faces, if one of the ushers had not come to me, and told me, that, being a stranger, it was His Majesty’s pleasure I should enter and have free liberty of seeing what was there to be seen. We exchanged a couple or two of compliments, and then I began to look about me, but never did I see a palace so furnished, nor indeed comparable to it.
Our furniture at the best is but a choice collection of dead and dumb statues, or paintings, without life, sense, or motion; but there, all the pieces were animated, and no trash in the whole inventory; there was hardly anything to be seen, but emperors and princes, with some few (perhaps) of their choicest nobility and privados. The first bank was taken up by the Ottoman family; and after them sat the Roman emperors, in their order; and the Roman kings down to Tarquin the proud; beside highnesses and graces, lords spiritual and temporal innumerable. My lungs began now to call for a little fresh air, and I desired my guide to show me the way out again. “Yes, yes, with all my heart,” says he, “follow me then:” and so he carried me away by a back passage into Lucifer’s house of office, where there was I know not how many ton of Sir Reverence, and bales of flattering panegyrics, not to be numbered; all of them licensed, and entered according to order. I could not but smile at this provision of tail-timber, and my guide took notice of it, who was a good kind of a damned droll. But I called still to be gone, and at length he led me to a little hole like the vent of a vault, and I crept through it as nimbly as if the devil himself had given me a lift at the crupper; when, to my great wonder, I found myself in the park again, where I begun my story: not without an odd medley of passions, partly reflecting upon what others endured, and in part upon my own condition of ease and happiness, that had deserved, perhaps, the contrary as well as they. This thought put me upon a resolution of leading such a course of life, for the future, that I might not come to feel these torments in reality which I had now only seen in vision.
And I must here entreat the reader to follow my example, without making any further experiment; and likewise not to cast an ill construction upon a fair meaning. My design is to discredit and discountenance the works of darkness, without scandalising of persons; and since I speak only of damned, I’m sure no honest man alive will reckon this discourse a satire.
THE END OF THE SIXTH VISION
THE SEVENTH VISION OF HELL REFORMED
There happened lately so terrible an uproar, and disorder in hell, that (though it be a place of perpetual outrage and confusion) the oldest devil there never knew the fellow of it; and the inhabitants expected nothing less than an absolute topsy-turvy and dissolution of their empire. The devils fell upon the damned; and the damned fell upon the devils, without knowing one from t’other: and all running helter-skelter, to and again, like mad; for, in fine, it was no other than a general revolt. This hurly-burly lasted a good while, before any mortal could imagine the meaning of it; but at length there came certain intelligence of a monstrous talker, a pragmatical, meddling undertaker, and an old bawd of a gouvernante, that had knocked off their shackles, and made all this havoc: which may give the reader to understand what kind of cattle these are, that could make hell itself more dangerous and unquiet.
Lucifer, in the meantime, went yelping up and down, and bawling for chains, handcuffs, bolts, manacles, shackles, fetters, to tie up his prisoners again; when, in the middle of his career, he and the babbler or talker I told ye of met full-butt; and after a little staring one another in the face, upon the encounter, the babbler opened. “Prince mine,” says he, “you have a pack of lazy, droning devils in your dominions, that look after nothing but sit with their arms and legs across, and leave all your affairs at six and seven. And you have divers abroad too, upon commission, that have stayed out their time, and yet give you no account of their employment.” The gouvernante, who had been blowing the coal and whispering sedition from one to another, chanced to pass by in the interim, and, stopping short, addressed herself to Lucifer: “Look to yourself,” she cried, “there is a desperate plot upon your diabolical crown and dignity. There are two tyrants in’t, three parasites, a world of physicians, and whole legions of lawyers and attorneys. One word more in your ear. There is among them a mongrel priest (a kind of a lay-elder) that will go near to sit upon your skirts, if you have not a care of him.”
At the very name of priest and lay-elder Lucifer looked as pale as death, stood stone-still, as mute as a fish, and in his very looks discovered his apprehensions. After a little pause he roused himself as out of a trance: “A priest do ye say? a lay-elder? tyrants? lawyers? physicians? A composition to poison all the devils in hell, and purge their very guts out.” With that, away he went to visit the avenues and set his guards, and who should he met next but the meddler, in a monstrous haste and hurry. “Nay then,” says he, “here is the forerunner of ill-luck. But what’s the matter?” “The matter?” cried the meddler; and then with a huge deal of tedious and impertinent circumstance, he up and told him that a great many of the damned had contrived an escape; and that there was a design to call in four or five regiments of hypocrites and usurers, under colour forsooth of establishing a better intelligence betwixt earth and hell, with a hundred other fopperies; and had gone on till this time, if Lucifer would have found ears. But he had other fish to fry; for neck and all was now at stake; and so he went about his business of putting all in a posture, and strengthening his guards. And for the further security of his royal person, he entertained into his own immediate regiment several reformadoes of the society, that he particularly knew to be no flinchers.
He began his survey in the vault and dungeons, among his jailers and prisoners. The make-bate babbler marched in the van, breathing an air that kindled and inflamed wherever he passed, without giving any light (setting people together by the ears, they know not why). In the second place the gouvernante, as full of news and tittle-tattle as she could hold, and telling her tale all the way she went. In the breech of her followed the meddler, leering as he passed along, first on one side then on the other, without ever moving his head, and making fair with every soul he saw in’s way. He gave one a bow, t’other a kiss; “Your most humble servant,” to a third; “Can I serve you, sir,” to a fourth: but every compliment was worse to the poor creatures than the fire itself. “Ah, traitor!” says one; “for pity’s sake away with this new tormentor!” cries another. “This fellow is hell upon hell,” says a third. As he trudged on there was a rabble of rascals got together; and in the middle of the crowd a most eminent knight of the post, a (great master of his trade) that was reading a lecture to that venerable assembly, of the noble mystery of swearing and lying; and would have taught any man in one quarter of an hour to prove anything upon oath, that he never saw nor heard of in his life. This doctor had no sooner cast his eye upon the inter-meddler, but up he started in a fright. “How now,” says he, “is that devil here? I came hither on purpose to avoid him; and if I could but have dreamt he’d have been in hell, beyond all dispute I’d have gone myself to paradise.”
As he was speaking we heard a great and a confused noise of arms, blows, and outcries; and presently we discovered several persons falling one upon another like lightning; and in short with such a fury, that ’tis not for any tongue or pen to describe the battle. One of them appeared to be an emperor; for he was crowned with laurel, and surrounded with a grave sort of people, that looked like counsellors or senators; and had all the old statutes and records at their finger’s end: by which they endeavoured to make it out, that a king might be killed in his personal capacity, and his politic capacity never the worse for’t. And upon this point were they at daggers drawn with the emperor. Lucifer came then roundly up to him, and with a voice that made hell quake, “What are you, sir,” says he, “that take upon you thus in my dominions?” “I am the great Julius Cæsar,” quoth he, “that in this general tumult thought to have revenged myself upon Brutus and Cassius, for murdering me in the Senate, under colour (forsooth) of asserting the common liberty: whereas these traitors did it merely out of envy, avarice, and ambition. It was the emperor, not the empire they hated. They pretended to destroy me, for introducing a monarchy; but did they overthrow the monarchy itself? No; but on the contrary, they confirmed it; and did more mischief, in taking away my life than I did in dissolving their republic. However, I died an emperor, and these villains carried only the infamy and brand of regicides to their graves, and the world has ever since adored my memory and abhorred theirs. Tell me,” quoth he, “ye cursed bloodhounds,” (turning toward them) “whether was your government better, think ye, in the hands of your senators, a company of talking gown-men, that knew not how to keep it, or in the hands of a soldier that won it by his merit? It is not the drawing of a charge, or making of a fine oration, that fits people for government; nor will a crown sit well upon the head of a pedant; but let him wear it that deserves it. He is the true patriot that advances the glory of his country, by actions of bravery and honour. Which has more right to rule, think ye, he that only knows the laws, or he that maintains them? The one only studies the government; the other protects it. Wretched republic! Thou call’st it freedom to obey a divided multitude, and slavery to serve a single person; and when a company of covetous little fellows are got together, they must be styled fathers of their country, forsooth; and shall one generous person take up with the name of tyrant? Oh! how much better had it been for Rome to have preserved that one son that made her mistress of the world, than that multitude of fathers, who by so many intestine wars rendered her but a stepmother to her own children. Barbarous and cruel that you are! so much as to mention the name of a commonwealth, considering that since the people tasted of monarchy they have preferred even the worst of princes (as Nero, Tiberius, Caligula, Heliogabalus, etc.) before your tribe of senators.”