The Visions of Quevedo

by Francisco de Quevedo

Presently there appeared a number of pagan philosophers, among whom, I distinguished the seven sages of Greece, with Plato, Zeno, Socrates, Aristotle, and others: there were also Mercury, Trismegistus, an Egyptian, Sanconianthon, a Phenician, and Confucius, a Chinese. The majority of these avowed, that they had adored no other than the true God. The judge demanded, if they had given him all the glory, and rendered to him all the honour that was his due. They answered nothing, and were not exculpated.

The corps of artists next presented themselves: some of them were justified, but by far the greatest part were condemned for larcenies, frauds, surprises, and infidelities.

The men of letters then had their turn: many of them were charged with having taught and written contrary to their real opinions. The poets made every one laugh, on asserting, that when they spoke of Jupiter, of gods and goddesses, they meant the true God, saints, and saintesses: that they had never seriously deified the king of Candia, nor the first king of Egypt, nor the queens of Cyprus and Sicily; that if these people had become idolaters, they ought to take the blame upon themselves. Virgil in particular, was examined very minutely upon that passage of his poems, where he invokes the Sicilian muses: he pretended to have spoken of the birth of the Messiah; but he was answered that he must then have been in the soul of the Son of Pollio. Orpheus was accused by the ladies of Thrace, because he had taught men a love that did not concern them.

The clerks, lawyers, and constables, applied to Saint Ives de Chartres, to plead their cause; but he refused, saying, he had never been a robber, but had always pursued the cause of truth and justice, and that they had not acted in that manner. The devils also accusing them of having often been corrupted by presents, and the solicitations of women; few among them escaped.

After these, the physicians, surgeons, and apothecaries, were brought forward: they justified themselves by the authority of Hippocrates, Galen, and Paracelsus; but those whom they summoned, mocked at them, and their allegations. “And who are they,” demanded those eminent physicians, “who have cited us, and presume to shelter themselves behind our example?” The unhappy accused then sought the assistance of their two saints, Come and Damiens; but they refused to defend homicides, and judgment of condemnation was accordingly pronounced.

As it is out of my power to follow all the judgments in their order, I shall report only those that appeared most worthy of note. A fencing master, being unwilling to approach the bar, an angel extended his arm to seize him; but the master, throwing himself into an attitude, made a fanciful push towards the angel, telling him at the same time, that from such a thrust with the small sword, he would have received a mortal wound; that all those who had taken lessons of him, never failed to kill their man, and that he himself had always been victorious, till he met with his physician. At last, constrained by force, he was brought forward and convicted of all the homicides committed by his scholars, who, confident in their skill, had often sought quarrels, for the purpose of putting their theory in practice. For these offences it was decreed that he should go into hell in a perpendicular line. “Zounds,” said the master, “I will go as I may, but not in a perpendicular line; I am not a mathematician.” “How,” said the angel, “do you wish to go?” “In making leaps backward before the mouth of hell.” “Not quite so much subtlety,” said the devil; “I will make you obedient;” and he carried him into the abyss, that was at the extremity of the valley.

This man gave place to a great astrologer, whom his angel endeavoured to bring before the tribunal: he was loaded with almanacs, globes, spheres, astrolabes, compasses, quadrants, rules, and papers, filled with astronomical calculations. “You are mistaken,” said he to the angel; “the last judgment has not yet arrived, because the constellation of Saturn, and that of fear, have not yet finished their courses; it ought not to arrive in less than twenty-four thousand years; for God hath not created the universe and the celestial globes, not to permit them to finish their journeys; and there is yet no appearance of an union of the sun and stars, to set fire to the world, as must necessarily happen at the last day. I appeal, then, in advance, against all other judgments.” “March,” said the devil, “or I shall carry you.” “Carry me,” said the astronomer, “into the kingdom of the moon; I will reward you well; I am curious to see those beautiful countries, we discover with our telescopes; the countries of Galileo, of Copernicus, of Tycho Brahe, and other celebrated astronomers, who are gone to dwell in the moon, and who have bestowed their names upon those regions they inhabit.” The discourse of this fool, did not prevent an accusation before the judge, of irreligion, superstition, and other vices which he could not dispute.

I then saw an operator, who, imagining himself to be in a proper place for vending his drugs, praised the properties of his orrietan, and the virtues of his counter-poisons. When he came before his judges, he was desirous of trying some experiments, and demanded if he should use realgal, arsenic, or the blood of toads and spiders. The devil, who stood at his side, asked him if he had any fire ointment. “How,” said he, “are you in want?” “It is yourself that will soon need it,” answered the devil; “because you have cheated so many people with your lies and knaveries.” He was confounded at this discourse, and was led away to hell.

When they were close by, he said to the devil, “I perceive the jest; you keep here the feast of Peter; I am not so much alarmed as you think: let us go, let us go,” said he, entering into hell, “let us go and see Don Peter.”

There then came a troop of tailors, the chief one of whom diverted me much: he had a pair of scissors in his hand, and a long slip of parchment, with which he took measure for garments. Perceiving me, he stepped up and proposed to make me a coat in the French fashion: I assured him that I had no need of such a garment; but he ran round me, insisting upon taking my measure. I observed that it was then no time to transact such business; that he was before his judge, and had better invoke his guardian angel: but the angel advised him to plead his own cause, as he could not conscientiously defend a case so obvious. “Signor,” answered the tailor, “I engage to give you a suit every year, gratis; for it is doubtless for lack of tailors, that you angels go always naked.” “Without dispute;” replied the angel, “for there is not a single tailor in heaven.” “Very well,” resumed the tailor; “I go then in person, to defend myself and brethren. We have never stolen more stuff than we could put into our eyes; we threw the useless pieces into the street; we have always measured the trimmings of gold and silver, after finishing the suit, and took no more than was absolutely necessary. As to the rest, our trade is one inculcating mercy; to clothe the naked, and furnish a defence from the cold; meritoriously following the gospel precept: thus have we acted, besides suffering patiently the prejudice the embroiderers have done us in making the habits of the church. I demand that Saint Martin, archbishop of Tours, who gave the moiety of his mantle to a poor beggar, should be heard in our behalf.” “Saint Martin,” said one of the angels, “hath never been the protector of tailors; and so far would he be from defending you, that he would condemn you.” “Ah! well,” said the tailor, “oblige us by being yourself our interlocutor.” “I consent,” replied he, “and will quickly expose the tricks of your trade: the tailors have in their shops a private drawer, which they call the eye; and it is there they deposit what they steal. The under part of their table and its immediate neighbourhood, they call the street; and here they cast the superfluous stuffs: so when this master cheat asserted, he had never stolen more than might have been contained in his eye, or that he threw into the street the waste pieces of cloth, or stuff, it was equivalent to saying, that, he had never taken more than might be put into his drawer, or beneath his table. As to the trimmings of gold and silver, it is true, they are measured upon the garment, but then it is found after the chain of binding is cut, that it stretches very easily. When he said that his trade was merciful and charitable, he spoke the truth, if these are the attributes of thieves: but I demand, if, without pillaging cloth, they could ornament chambers with rich tapestry, build fine houses, give portions to their daughters, bear the extravagancies of their children, give sumptuous entertainments, and enjoy all the luxuries of life?” “No, no,” simultaneously exclaimed the whole assembly. The corps of tailors was accordingly condemned, and they were precipitated into the abyss.