The Visions of Quevedo

by Francisco de Quevedo

“Old fox,” answered Julian, “I cannot, it is true, say so of you two; for if you were attached to letters, you were still more so to your fortunes. And of whom can you complain, you who accelerated your own death? Did you not hope to gain an easy immortality in thus quitting your terrestrial abode? It was to arrive at this, that you did not wish to survive the pretended misfortunes of your country. Fine courage that, of a man who kills himself to escape fighting with his enemies! Would you not have done better to have preserved yourselves for the defence of Rome, its liberty, and your goods?”

“I recommend you,” said Cato, “to the Antiochians: they will tell the truth of you better than I can: they know you; they are fully acquainted with your pusillanimity, your vices, but, above all, with your vanity, which surpasses your knowledge and eloquence. Look at this great emperor, who, to punish Antioch, quits the sword, assumes the pen, and is, after all, nothing but an ignoramus.”

“I am called Suetonius,” said he, who presented himself next.

“Yes, this is Suetonius,” said the emperor Domitian, who was at his side; “this is that notorious forger, and compiler of histories and chronicles, who, after the example of other historians, being a partisan and a flatterer, speaks the truth from caprice, and lies from inclination.”

“I!” said Suetonius; “I have said nothing that I cannot prove by indubitable evidence. Is it not true, that upon the testimony of vile informers, you have taken from the living, the estates of the dead who were accused? Is it not true that you have levied upon your subjects tributes so enormous, that they were forced to claim protection from a foreign power? Is it not true that you have despoiled the Jews of their goods only because they were born Jews? Is it then a crime to have been circumcised at birth and not to adore the gods of the Roman empire? Is it not true that by your excessive expenses for theatres, and buildings, you have exhausted the purses of the Romans, and left to perish with hunger the bravest soldiers of the army? To escape the consequences of a sedition, you committed horrible pillages, and thus paid your debts. Your pride and impiety are exhibited in these few words, extracted from one of your declarations: ‘Your Lord, your God,’ commands thus.”

“What signifies that?” said Domitian: “Are not the emperors gods as well during their lives as after their death? Were not Augustus and Cæsar adored in the empire? I was as much a god at the time I willed it, as my predecessors have been gods after their death. The divinity of men is nothing but a power superior to that of others, as the present divinity of Augustus is but a perfection above the virtues and qualities of living men. But who, among men of sense, has ever believed that the gods were like men? or adored in the statue any thing more than the virtue of the original? Who ever believed that the number of gods was equal to their names, their temples, or their statues? No, no, Suetonius, you did not believe all this, and it is from perfidiousness that you have accused me of impiety for being called a god.”

“And your unjust vexations,” replied Suetonius.

“As it regards that,” said the emperor, “subjects who cannot penetrate the designs of their sovereigns always consider the tributes imposed upon them as unjust; but if enemies were about to inundate the kingdom; if the empire was menaced with approaching ruin; if there was danger of the pillage and sack of frontier cities, would not the prince have reason to take measures for the prevention of these disasters by a heavier levy, and a stronger assemblage of troops? If I had apprized the Romans of these things, which I had learned by my spies, they would have been more likely to have risen against myself, than against the common enemy: so powerful is the voice of interest with the multitude!”

Here Lucifer interrupted the emperor and ordered all the historians, historiographers, authors of journals, of memoirs and chronicles, to advance, to listen to their sentence. “It is,” said he, “for the public interest, that mendacity should be punished in writers, as in those who speak falsely; but it is of equal interest that writers should be permitted to speak the truth, without flattery and without fear, to the end, that men by reading the history of their ancestors, may learn to become good, and detest the conduct of the unjust. Although it is crime that brings us subjects, we wish, nevertheless, that it should be punished in our empire; and it is that which constitutes the justice of the torments they feel. A prince flatters himself in vain with a fine and secret policy, if his subjects are rendered unhappy by the rules he has prescribed for their conduct; whatever colour he may take to cover his actions, and make them appear just, if they are not so in effect, which the event proves, he expects in vain the approbation, the esteem and love of his subjects. The writer who undertakes a history ought to divest himself of the sentiments of both love and hatred; he ought to have no partiality for country, relations or friends; he is the sole judge of the affairs of which he treats, and the master of princes when he describes their actions. Accordingly, we ordain, that Domitian and the other princes shall submit to the judgments of their historians; that the historians shall be punished for flatteries and lies; for the examination of which, we order them before the tribunals of conscience, to whom we delegate plenary authority for the decision of their cases; and as a judgment upon the geometricians, geographers, astronomers, and mathematicians, we condemn the one party to measure by minutes, seconds, and lines, the dimensions of all the provinces, kingdoms, and empires of the earth; and the others to be shut up in the planets upon which they have pretended to make observations, to the end that they may be instructed by their experience. Furthermore we decree, that afterwards, the aforesaid geometricians, geographers, astronomers, and mathematicians, to be there punished for their foolish and rash opinions.”

The audience having now lasted a considerable time, Lucifer commanded something to eat to be brought into the middle of the hall. Forthwith there appeared a vast number of chirurgians, cooks of hell, with an almost equal number of apothecaries, having the title of confectioners to the devil. They set forth a great table of gold, upon which they placed a vast quantity of silver plate: they informed me that this table and plate had been fabricated with the gold and silver stolen, and afterwards sold to the goldsmiths. I have never any where seen such a quantity of linen: it proceeded from the thefts committed by linen dealers and washer women; for all that is stolen upon earth, goes into hell after the second or third generation of thieves. They served for the first course a heap of tailors roasted upon the spit. Lucifer is very fond of this meal; and the expression, “may the devil swallow me,” which the tailors often use, is not inappropriate; for he does swallow many; and the demons, his table companions, do the same: the subjects always having tastes similar to those of their masters, be they good or bad. I inquired of one of the demons, why his infernal majesty devoured more tailors than cooks, sausage makers, butchers, peruquiers, in short, people of other trades.