But as there never was a time in all the world’s history when to the Apologist Philosophers of the times things that were were not right, even so at this chaotic time in Canisville there arose the usual Apologist Philosophers who took things as they were, and out of them built a wonderful economic philosophy most beautiful to behold, the only trouble with which was that whenever anyone of the few sensible dogs would come out of his hole of hiding and prod it with a little weapon called Common Sense, the whole elaborate system would collapse and drop into dust. Wherefore the Apologist Philosophers were aggrieved, and appealed to the Authorities to make it a Felony for any unpopular dog to go about prodding philosophical systems with Common Sense, or to have about him any Common Sense, which was, they said, a carrying of concealed weapons.
These Apologist Philosophers were singular creatures and insufferably self-conceited, because they had “got on in the world” as they called it; that is, they were all lucky dogs who had managed to get fat by lying in wait for and catching what they called “Chances,”—that is, stray scraps of meat—and by always speaking a good word for the big fleas, who rewarded them by giving them a few of their fellow dogs to eat. Many of them made their faces smooth, and tied around their necks white bands called “Chokers,” which gave them a singular appearance of which they were very vain. But their most singular distinguishment was that they wore opaquely green spectacles and walked on their fore feet and the tips of their noses, with their hind legs and tails in the air. This uncommon way of walking enabled them, they said, to get a view of earthly things totally different from that obtainable by the ordinary degraded way of going on all fours, and enabled them more distinctly to see things as they appeared, which was, they said, the philosophical method, as contra-distinguished from the low, vulgar, altogether despicable and ought-to-be-prohibited Common Sense method of seeing things as they were.
The habit of these dogs was to promenade abroad by moonless and starless night and “observe” through their opaquely green spectacles, and then gather together by day in what they called a “School,” where, secluded from noise and light and air, they boiled down their observations and ran them into moulds, the results of which operation they called “Maxims,” “Apothegms” and “Proverbs” which when cold they handed out to other dogs to hawk about in the public places as free gifts to all dogs to hang up in the chambers of their memories.
This Proverb Foundry, the big fleas said, was an excellent Institution and was worthy of support as it did a vast amount of Good; for it provided good things for dogs everywhere to put in their mouths, which, as food was scarce, was a Blessed Charity, and, moreover, by giving the dogs plenty to do mumbling these Proverbs and Maxims over and over in their mouths, kept them out of the mischief of thinking, and preserved their minds in a wholesome state of imbecility which was conducive to Social Order and the Stability of Institutions.
These wise-appearing philosophers, seeing that bones were scarce and dogs many, urged upon every dog the importance of getting ahead of every other dog, by remembering that “The early bird gets the first worm.” Seeing that in a crowd of struggling dogs, all the strong and lusty ones came to the front and uppermost, they made that all right by inventing the heartless motto for the guidance of the unscrupulous, “There’s plenty of room at the top.” Observing that just through the gap in the fence there is food for five dogs which one hundred and fifty are biting and tearing to get at, they encouraged the dogs to bear in mind that “Success in life comes only by push and enterprise.” Having noted that he who gobbled up his meat the fastest got most into his inside in the same time, they urged them to racing speed by the proverbs, “Time is money,” “Procrastination is the thief of time,” and “Hurry Up is the fastest horse.” Noticing that when anyone throws a scrap of meat to a crowd of hungry dogs, the one which is first and smartest gets it, they put the rule for such cases thus: “Opportunity once gone never returns.” Having themselves got on by carefully watching when other dogs threw away stale and mouldy meat that was not exceedingly well worth eating, and hoarding the same in sly holes and corners, they glorified such mean conduct by saying, “Frugality is the Mother of Wealth;” and when they denied their hungry stomachs a scrap in order to have a larger hoard, they erected their mean stinginess into a Philosophy of Life by remarking that “A Penny saved is a Penny Earned.”
And so on and so on. In a thousand ways they taught that getting on in the world is by “carving one’s way,” “compelling success,” biting, scratching, crowding, knocking down and trampling on your fellows; and they taught that only the winner in the race is to be congratulated on his efforts; that he who grabs and gets the bone is the one rightly entitled to it; and that all who run and fall, and all who grab and miss, should be voted immoral and sent to perdition.
And never a one of them ever made a proverb or a maxim that had in it the remotest suggestion that there might be any other way for dogs to live and be happy, save that by which they were now so miserably perishing; for, as aforesaid, they were great philosophers.
