AMONGST the multitude that did gather to the worship of Saint Anthony the Lovely was one of the many Chaos Menders. He also had a well embalmed brain, and had but one eye which had the singular optical property of turning every visible object in the universe into the image of a poor, suffering little bow-wow. And when he smelt the incense and heard the hymns of adoration and saw the worshipful prosternation to Lovely Anthony, the bile of envy suffused his noble features and turned his little bow-wow-seeing solitary eye a green of emerald hue, that grew more green with envy with every moment’s duration of the adoration of Anthony. And one of the adoring barkers, who was less intent and absorbed in his devotions than the rest, observing him, said unto him:
“Brother Elder Berry, why are thy features suffused; and why is thine orb of vision so green? Art thou in an unsanitary state? Art thou sick? Hast thou a Crisis? Tell me, for thou alarmest me!”
And the One-eyed Elder Berry answered and said: “I am not sick; I am not in an unsanitary state; I am only grieved; grieved for the foolishness of these adoring simpletons in worshiping this illogical Anthony Thumpem Clubstock. Why all this idiotic fuss over his tom-fool trying to reform hardened old dogs who are eternally fixed in the ways of Vice and Sin? No one but a stark, stamping, staring fool would try to untwist a twisted old apple tree with screws and levers and chains. None but a supreme fool would try it. The only wise way is to train the little, growing, pliable sapling and shape it exactly as you want it. That is Wisdom’s way; that is the way; that is my way; that is the only adorable way; and were this assembly wise they would now be worshipping ME, the Sin Preventer, and not paying idolatrous adoration to this strange god of a Dog Catcher, for I am the only original and genuine Sin Curer; all others are bogus and counterfeit; my name is blown in on the bottle, and see that you get it, and take no other; protected by letters patent, and all infringers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.”
“And what wouldst thou do, dear Elder Berry?” asked the barker. “Thou speakest but in figure.”
“Do?” replied the One-eyed, “Seest thou not, thou two-eyed barker, that it is the depraved little bow-wows that need the Vice-Suppressor’s care rather than the old and hardened ones? Keep the young and tender ones from going wrong and there’ll be no old dogs going wrong, and no Vice to suppress. Let me trace the Genesis of Vice. I have applied mine Eye to the matter, and I find it begins with the horrible cruelty of those depraved and hungry dogs sending their little ones abroad from the parental kennels into the streets to scratch for bones and scraps. No old dogs with any heart would be so wicked as to drive out those tender and helpless little dears thus to scratch. It is mere hungry greed on their parents’ part; it is immoral; it is cruel; it is destructive to Society in every way. The little bow-wows thus get acquainted early with the wickedness of the streets; and in the fierce struggle of life their tender health, both of body and mind, is destroyed. Their dear little bodies are fatigued, and their desires after better things are chilled, benumbed and destroyed. Thus have they no mind to walk betimes in Wisdom’s ways and mind Religion young. And, more awful still, their constitutions being early undermined, they grow up puny, feeble, ill nourished and thin blooded; so that they are not properly capable of doing their full duty at the Handle of the Mill or of yielding their due amount of blood to the fleas God has appointed them to carry.
“This greed of their parents ought to be—must be—curbed, and this cruelty to the little bow-wows and wrong to Society brought to an end. Behold the fleas, now; they set a beautiful example; they do not greedily send out their little ones to help suck blood; they protect, nurture, watch over them, educate them and give them all advantages until they are big enough and strong enough to suck for themselves; and the consequence is they grow up to be honored and respected members of Society. All this hath mine eye seen.
“Here is the root of the evil. Now, this Lovely Anthony strikes not at the root of the evil; he strikes only at the fruit; and therein he is off his head and far removed from his base; and therefore are these barkers and Monstrous Fleas off their heads and far removed from their bases, in worshiping him. But when they see my method they will worship me instead, if they know a good thing when they see it.”
And when the adoration of Lovely Anthony was over, Brother Elder Berry, the One-eyed, and his friend the barker, did consult together, and did call in several of the other barkers to the consultation; and the proposed method of the One-eyed found favor in their eyes, and they helped him to form a Gang of Saviors, which they baptized with the name of “The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Little Bow-wows.” And they spake unto Pup McPoodle, and he gave police dogs unto the One-eyed Elder Berry, that he might have power to club and batter and hammer the heads of all such as might seek to prevent him preventing cruelty. And the Monstrous Fleas, hearing of this most praiseworthy attempt to improve the blood of dogs, and to add more vigor to those who turned the Handle, sent him their most sincere invocation of God’s blessing upon him, and the assurance of their most earnest desire to co-operate with him, by large donations of wealth, or any other form of assistance they might be able to render.
And the One-eyed Elder Berry and his gang did much infest the streets of Canisville; and they picked up many little bow-wows that did scratch in the streets, and spake austerely to them, and told them they mustn’t; and they made the little bow-wows tell who were the wicked parents that had, because of greed, sent them out; and they went and spake austerely unto those parents, and told them they mustn’t; and when those parents explained that they were very hungry and did themselves scratch for bones and scraps all day in the streets, and even then did not find enough to stay their hunger, and could not appease the hunger of the little bow-wows, they rebuked them austerely, and told them their hunger was all greed and cruelty to the little bow-wows, to whom they owed more affection and duty, and that really they mustn’t any more. So they made the little bow-wows stay within their holes and corners, where they hungered and perished, for the old bow-wows could not maintain them. Whereupon the little fleas and the big fleas and the Monstrous Fleas did give the One-eyed Elder Berry a hint that this kind of prevention of cruelty was not working well, and tended to diminish the supply of dogs and bring to pass the prevention of Dividends—which was a prevention they could not sanction under any consideration at all.
Therefore the One-eyed Elder Berry did desist from catching the poor little starving bow-wows in the street, in the day time; and his vision of being one day set on high and worshiped, as was Anthony the Dog Catcher, grew dim. But certain of his gang advised him that certain moderately plump and comfortable little bow-wows had been seen going at night to certain places, to dance for a few minutes for a good basketful of meat, to amuse certain of the Canisvillians.