So the dirty dogs lived with less discomfort than honest and virtuous dogs—that is, than those who passed for honest and virtuous; for there were multitudes of respected dogs that passed by daylight as good and proper dogs, that sneaked away at midnight to the haunts of the filthy dogs, to see them dance. And there were to be found there, too, very many of the most highly respected members of the Church of the Fleas, who took pleasure in the dances of the filthy dogs and paid good prices for admission thereto, who wouldn’t have had the fact known for the world.
Now, certain zealous members of the Church of the Fleas, who were gifted with very long and sharp noses, which they were eternally poking into business not their own, got to know of the existence and occupation of the filthy dogs; and they were greatly scandalized thereby; for these dogs were not only vile and depraved—which was bad—but were escaping the tribute all dogs were divinely appointed to pay to the support of the fleas—which was worse. Therefore, for these two reasons, were they determined to break up their business and drive them forth to earn their living by what they called honest toil, that is, by grinding and fainting at the Handle of the Blood and Bones Grindery.
These good suckers were awfully “concerned for the spiritual welfare” of these bad dogs—that is, they were awfully afraid they were going to Hell the wrong way; and they were determined to drive them into the right way. So they called upon the police dogs to suppress them, to drive them into the highways and make them “move on.” But they could not tell the police where they were to “move on” to; and the police didn’t know, and the comfortable dogs didn’t worry, and the rich fleas didn’t care, and everybody else said it was none of his business; and so everything was in a muddle, and nothing much was done, save that occasionally one of the dirty dogs got hit on the head.
But in process of time there arose a mighty dog of a prophet that got exceeding much meat and a great deal of soft comfort for ministering in one of the churches of the fleas. He was the Very Reverend Doctor Immaculate Barkworst, and he had a very much swollen head, with a bump of self-conceit upon it that stood up like a pinnacle. And he preached thus unto the sleek fleas:
“Brethren, ye know of this scandal of the filthy dogs in our midst, how it is corrupting our youth and deteriorating the quality of the honest dogs that labor; so that Labor—the noblest, the most sacred and God-blest occupation that dogs can be called unto, and which fleas are divinely not called unto—will fall into contempt, and the revenues of the fleas—your revenues, my dearly beloved masters—will begin to diminish.
“Oh, my dear masters! The strength and safety of our country lie in keeping our dogs virtuous and industrious, and cultivating within them the love of the sacred and healthily stimulating amusements of singing psalms and muttering credos.
“But, my brethren and beloved masters, it is well known that these scandalous dogs do mock at honest toil and Virtue, and have irreligiously set up Victuals as the great object of life; and have, moreover, blasphemously said that the only difference between us, the salaried barkers, and them, is the difference in Victuals—thus libellously and contumeliously insinuating that we do not love Virtue more than Victuals.
“Now, my dear masters, this evil must be driven out at any cost. We have laws to drive them out. We have every kind of driving out, moving on, and sin suppressing society to put them down. Why are they not driven out therefore? Because the police dogs are vile and corrupt, and “stand in” with the filthy dogs. I denounce these police dogs, and declare that we will drive out the filthy dogs, if they won’t.”
And all the sleek and unctuous fleas said the discourse was well spoken, and that if ever there was a true follower of the meek and lowly Jesus, this was he. And straightway the zealous fleas gathered themselves together and organized the “Filthy Dog Driving Out Society,” and they made the Very Reverend Doctor Immaculate Barkworst, the President thereof.
And Doctor Immaculate Barkworst again called on the police dogs in the name of the Law and the Lord and the Driving Out Society to drive out the filthy dogs. But the police dogs made excuses and said they were doing the best they could; and if they could not do more it was for want of Evidence. Whereupon the Very Reverend Immaculate waxed wroth and said, “Dogs that ye are; ye unzealous for souls; ye cowardly for Religion; I will get Evidence.”