“But, fellow free citizens, they cannot fool you thus; ye know that ye are neither hungry nor poor.
“What do Statistics tell us? What saith Average? What saith Protection? What saith the Great Hunkidori? What saith the Gospel of the Balance of Trade? What saith the Book of the Prophecy of the Exports and Imports? What is the voice of the ever blessed and adorable Gold Basis? All these Holy Scriptures teach us that there is neither hunger nor poverty in all this glorious land under the Flag of the Free; that we, as a country, are the fairest, fattest and wealthiest people God’s sun ever shone on. [Tempestuous applause from the fleas, and great mesmerism of the dogs, some, however, absent-mindedly stroking their flat bellies.]
“Fellow citizens, the Gospel of the Balance of Trade telleth us that the Balance is with us, and not agin us. Our god Protection, is as a wall of fire round about us, warming and comforting us within, and scorching and shrivelling all those without. The Book of the Prophecy of the Exports and Imports assureth us that our bread is certain and our water sure. The Great Hunkidori speaketh and saith that we are all right, and there is nothing the matter with us. And we have the precious promise of the ever blessed and adorable Gold Basis that no evil shall touch us while ever our feet are planted on its eternal foundation. And Statistics tell us that Our National Wealth is greater than that of any nation of dogs under heaven. [Lusty cheers from the fleas, and delighted expressions on the faces of the dogs.]
“Yes, fellow citizens, Statistics never lie. They are our infallible guide through the wilderness of assertion and counter-assertion. You may rest your weary feet on them every time. When heart and flesh fail you, and despondency taketh hold upon you; when ye walk through the valley of ghosts and spectres of Hunger and Poverty and Want, and ye are sore afraid they are upon you, then look ye to, and trust ye in Statistics, and ye shall be saved; the ghosts and spectres shall fly away and ye shall know that ye are full and happy. [Sobs and cries of joy from the dogs at this beautiful Free Salvation.]
“See, Brethren, See! Statistics tell us that the dogs of Canisville and country are 65,000. Statistics also tell us that our National Wealth Heaps, in charge of the Sacred Trustees, contain more than equal to 650,000 basketfuls of good, wholesome food, which, divided by 65,000, gives an Average of ten basketfuls Per Capita. [Ejaculations of surprise and astonishment from the dogs, who had no idea before that they were so wealthy.]
“Now, fellow citizens, this is a wonderful showing. Only think of it! Ten basketfuls to every dog in Canisville! Enough to make every dog quite corpulent and his ribs to bulge with fullness. It is marvellous. It is astounding. No other dogs in the whole wide world can show such an Average. I am told by our brother, Chancy Mountebank Dephool Flea, and by brother Andronicus Carnivorous, that over the pond, in the best countries there, the Average is not more than one basketful per capita; that in most it is less than that, and that in some it is nothing at all. [Sighs of sympathy from the dogs for those poor devils.]
“Should not our dogs then, instead of repining that they are not more wealthy, rejoice and be exceeding glad that they are so much better off than the poor oppressed dogs of other lands? Ought they not to thank God hourly for their great Average, and to bless him for Statistics that make such a wonderful Average possible?
“TEN BASKETFULS PER CAPITA!!! Think for a moment what that means. Statistics tell us that the average of mouthfuls to the basket, is, in round numbers, one hundred. This, multiplied by ten, equals one thousand mouthfuls per dog. Think of it! One thousand mouthfuls of GOOD VICTUALS per dog. [Sensation amongst the dogs; great watering of mouths and licking of chops.] The mind fails to grasp the immensity of the fact; it is stunned; it staggers; it reels. Imagination’s utmost stretch in wonder dies away. It is wealth incomprehensible. ONE THOUSAND MOUTHFULS PER DOG!!! It sounds like Fiction. It sounds like a lie, it is so incredible; and yet, there are the Statistics; there are the figures which are beyond disproof, beyond dispute. [Great cheering by the dogs over these facts.]
“Well may the true Canisville dog be proud of his country and his Flag; proud of his comfortable home and his sleek and fat condition; proud of the Statistics, and proud of the generous Average the Statistics give him to eat. [The dogs applaud and cry, “Three cheers for Mak Tinley.”]
“Shall we surrender, then, this our prosperity, to our Enemy? [Never, from the dogs.] Shall we haul down the Flag of Freedom that gives us this prosperity? [No, no, no, from the dogs, and Perish the thought, from the fleas.] Patriots, fellow citizens, brothers, let us ever cherish, down in our deepest hearts, the principles that have, under God, differentiated us from the rest of the world and lifted us to the highest pinnacle of wealth and greatness that dogs ever enjoyed. Let us never surrender them, but stick by the Holy Statistics and the Average; by our Protection and the Great Hunkidori; by the Gospel of the Balance of Trade, the Book of the Prophecy of the Exports and Imports, and the ever blessed and adorable Gold Basis. Abide by these; fight for them; if needs be, die for them; thus shall ye enjoy life and wealth, and glory and honor and blessing yourselves, and hand down intact your glorious heritage to your happy posterity.”