THE TOPICAL BUDGET
LIFE IN THE ARMY. By a Sailor
1 Physical Jerks. The Doctor in his dispensary. The Army enters one by one. Each man is recorded as A1, then examined with an empty stethoscope without lenses. He is told he has a tendency to appendicitis, and is given a bottle of N.Y.D. As he leaves the room he jerks the physic through the porthole. Hence the name.
2 Chewing the Rag. (All soldiers do it.) Rags of various kinds. The Serjeant-major’s. The A.S.C. (more usual). The rag before chewing. It looks something like a ration. Group of old sweats chewing the same. Enter Orderly Officer: “Any complaints?” He vanishes. Chewing is resumed, but the rag is never consumed.
3 Duck-shoving. (Pastime invented by Drake.) A pair of white ducks is tethered to the last post. Each soldier has a drum, which he tries to beat with a duck’s drumstick. As soon as one soldier seizes a duck, another soldier pushes the duck away. The game is played with great fierceness, and causes much amusement, especially to the ducks.
4 Drawing Rations. A huge pair of ration pinchers advances on the Purser. A tin of bully is extracted, sounding like a gramophone. An officer intervenes with the remark: “You can’t have that; this is a pickle day.” He whistles. The tin returns to store. A case of rum is pinched. The officer smiles. He knows it is lime-juice.
5 Square-pushing. This sport requires much secrecy, and no soldier will tell you how he does it. The youngest recruit is sent for the key of the square. The older soldiers don special boots for the function. Mounted services wear special spurs, whose rowels sound like an harp. The order is then given, “On the hands, down,” and the square is pushed. The older birds slope off.