My learned friend was then put to a nonplus; he could not for the life of him, make out why Mrs. — should have taken the trouble to upset a boiler of pea-soup into the middle of the clean kitchen; and this he politely requested her to explain.
“Why, I’ll tell you, sir, it is my pleasure to see every thing in its place, and a grease spot to me is as bad as a plague spot to many. Now, sir, although the kitchen looked better, I’ll be bound to say, than any other kitchen in town, yet I was anxious to see if my servant had obeyed my orders in taking a spot of grease out of the boards, which by accident fell upon them the day before; so lifting up the oil-cloth—judge of my horror and dismay to find it untouched! I inquired the reason. The servants had the impudence to tell me, they had not time, at which, I made no more ado, but threw the boiler of soup upon it, which took them a good two hours to clean up again. I will have every thing done, and in order.”
“Indeed, madam,” said my friend, “I perceive the admirable effects of your system—this room is in admirable order.”
“This room, sir! have the goodness to walk into my bed-room up stairs!”
My phrenological friend, although he had passed the meridian of life, could not help thinking this invitation rather extraordinary, more particularly so, when the lady desired him to take off his shoes.
“For,” said she, “I never allow even my husband to come up stairs in his shoes.”
Now it so happened that my friend had a particular reason for wishing to avoid this ceremony, having walked a hole in one of his stockings the day before, and the laundress was in possession of his other pair. Nothing, however, could alter her determination of exhibiting her cleanliness. She protested he should see her bed-room, and insisted on his taking off his shoes!
With a shrug à la française, he submitted, but had not ascended half way up the stair-case before the lady who followed, perceived the injury his hose had sustained, and with a cry of horror exclaimed, “Susan! bring up a needle and thread!” the words were scarcely uttered, when the girl appeared, and without hesitation (without asking him to draw off his hose) seizing him by the foot, compelled him to submit to her needle’s operation; blushing and confounded at the awkward position his unjustifiable curiosity had drawn him into; having completed her orders, the girl descended to the kitchen, while he ascended to a square landing place on the first floor. On the outside of the window was a veranda filled with the choicest plants and flowers; the casement being open a delightful breeze entered the house, bringing with it the odours of the little garden; and he was about making a complimentary observation upon the admirable arrangement of her bough-pots, when, helter-skelter, in, through the casement, bolted a large tabby cat, and with a spring, clearing my friend’s shoulders, alighted upon the elegantly laced cap of the precise Mrs. —. They had not time to recover from their first alarm, when down tumbled all the roses, lignum vitæs, rhododandrums, geraniums and myrtles, being dislodged by a huge tom-cat rushing in, in pursuit of the aforesaid timid feline intruder. Crash, crash! went the bough-pots—squall, squall, went the lady. Damnation! exclaimed the gentleman. The lady’s foot slipped, and she slid and bumped to the bottom of the stairs; the phrenologist, endeavouring to save her, blundered completely over the lady. The two cats scampered round and athwart the elegantly arranged parlour, dislodging every ornament from the chimney-piece; and at length, my friend, having recovered his shoes, hastily snatched up his hat and cane, and made a precipitate escape from the house of a lady, who was unfortunate in having the bump of order too strongly developed.
We arrived at the castle in Conway greatly fatigued, and equally delighted with our day’s ramble.