I would try to conquer my passion, I thought, or die. I am afraid the idea of death was uppermost from the beginning, for before we had reached the end of our first day's journey, a dream, of a bright but painful nature, flitted frequently before my imagination. The path of glory and honour I thought was before me, and in the same path lay death, who, with his icy hand, would soon cool all the feverish burning of my heart. How bright, then, would it not be, I asked myself, to out-do in the field all that man had ever done, and to have it told to Laura de Villardin, that I had won immortal honour, and died upon the bed of glory? She would weep for me, I fancied, and her father would weep; and if the love I bore her were ever discovered, it would then but serve to shed a brighter light upon my memory, rather than throw a shadow on my name.
[CHAPTER XXXIII.]
It may easily be conceived that such reveries as those which occupied me during the rest of the journey, produced a sensible effect upon my external demeanour. Men may conceal great schemes and mighty designs, and all those enterprises in which the mind alone is concerned may be hidden by firmness, or covered over by art, but the deep feelings and intense passions of the heart almost always betray their workings by some external sign. It was Clement de la Marke who first perceived the alteration, and, hanging upon me affectionately, he inquired what made me so sad. Ere long it caught the attention of Monsieur de Villardin himself; and, without the slightest suspicion of its cause, he spoke of my unusual gravity as if it had arisen from disappointment in regard to the governorship of Binches, and tried to console me by promising to use every effort to obtain for me a just compensation. Each new instance of his kindness, far from giving me any relief, only served to make me feel more poignantly, that even, did no other circumstances exist to deprive my love of even a chance of success, gratitude to him should teach me to view it with despair. Every thought, every remembrance, showed me more and more strongly that my passion was hopeless; and yet every feeling assured me that that passion was unconquerable, and could never be forgotten. My buoyant heart, which I had thought nothing could overwhelm, completely sunk under the tide of sad thoughts and bitter feelings that overflowed in my bosom during our journey to Paris; and, when we arrived in the capital, I was as reckless a human being as ever despair drove to vice or to folly. What might have been the consequences I cannot tell, for no man should ever trust himself in such a state of mind, had it not been immediately necessary to join the army, and to quit a place in the debaucheries of which I might, perhaps, have sought relief from the agony that preyed upon my heart.
We arrived in the capital in the morning; and while I remained at our hotel, in a state of gloomy despondency, which seemed to crush all my energies, Monsieur de Villardin proceeded to the Court, and returned, after an absence of two hours, with a countenance which plainly showed that he was highly gratified by the reception he had met with. He did not mention what had occurred, however, but merely told me that it would be necessary for me to accompany him to the royal presence the next morning; and, as I cared but little what I did or what I left undone, I assented with the utmost indifference, and followed him when the time came.
After having remained in waiting for a few minutes, we were admitted to the royal presence, and found the King--now grown into one of the handsomest young men I had ever seen--in company with his mother, Cardinal Mazarin, Le Tellier, and a number of other ministers and attendants, in the act of giving audience to a foreign ambassador, who was taking leave ere his departure. Our reception was most gracious, and I soon found that the pliancy which I had shown in yielding at once to the wishes of the Cardinal, had established my favour, not only with that minister, but with the royal family, on a basis which might have been very advantageous to me had I been disposed to profit by it. As there was no hope, however, of any turn of fortune taking place, sufficiently miraculous in its nature to render a young English adventurer a fit match for the heiress of two noble houses, I was very indifferent to all the rest. I saw with more satisfaction, however, the marks of honour which the Court bestowed upon Monsieur de Villardin; and ere we took our leave, was gratified by beholding the baton of Field Marshal placed in his hands by the young monarch, with a compliment on his fidelity and military skill, which must have doubled the pleasure that the distinction produced.
After having expressed his thanks, Monsieur de Villardin drew back a step, and presenting me anew to the king, he added, "I think, Sire, you were graciously pleased to intimate that you had some mark of your royal approbation to bestow upon my young friend, who will, I am sure, do his best to deserve it."
"The commission has not yet received our signature," replied the King, "but it shall be sent to your hotel before your departure to-morrow. In the meantime I doubt not, Monsieur le Maréchal, that you have informed the Baron de Juvigny of my intentions in his favour."
"I did not presume, Sire," replied Monsieur de Villardin, "to forestall the pleasure he would receive from hearing your royal goodness towards him expressed by your own lips."
"You did well, Sir," replied the King. "Monsieur de Juvigny, the honours we confer are always on account of past services, though we wish them to act as incitements to fresh exertion, by affording the certainty that, as far as Heaven grants us power of discrimination, merit of any kind shall never be left without its reward. Since we last had an opportunity of signifying our approbation, you have continued to do well; and, in consequence thereof, as well as at the solicitation of your friend here present, it is our intention to bestow upon you the regiment which he himself raised, and in which you have hitherto exercised a subordinate command. The commission, as I said before, shall be sent to you ere your departure to-morrow."
Long replies are never suitable to any expression of the royal will, and even thanks had better be brief as well as forcible. I had, therefore, no inducement, even if I had been disposed at the time, to be eloquent; and, setting forth my gratitude as shortly, but as pointedly as I could, I took my leave and drew back. Monsieur de Villardin also received permission immediately to retire, and, re-entering his carriage, we drove homewards.