- Weak: Your gift is appreciated by me.
- Better: I appreciate your gift.
- Weak and vague: His step on the porch was heard.
- Better: His step sounded on the porch. [Or] I heard his step on the porch.
The passive voice is especially objectionable when by failing to indicate the agent of the verb it unnecessarily mystifies the reader.
- Vague: The train was seen speeding toward us.
- Better: We saw the train speeding toward us.
Exercise:
- Their minds were changed frequently as to what profession should be taken up by them.
- A gun should be examined and oiled well before a hunter starts.
- Finally the serenaders were recognized.
- In athletics a man is developed physically.
- If a man uses slang constantly, a good impression is not made.
[Effective Repetition]
[47a.] The simplest and most natural way to emphasize a word or an idea is to repeat it. The Bible is the best standard of simplicity and dignity in our language, and the Bible uses repetition constantly. A word or idea that is repeated must, of course, be important enough to deserve emphasis.
- Fairly emphatic: He works and toils and labors, but he seems never to get anywhere.
- Very emphatic: Work, work, work, all he does is work, and still he seems never to get anywhere.
- Fairly emphatic: How did the general meet this new menace? He withdrew before it!
- Very emphatic: How did the general meet this new menace? He withdrew! He retreated! He ran away!
- Homely but emphatic: "I went under," said the old salt; "bows, gunnels, and starn—all under."
- Deliberately too emphatic: Everywhere we hear of efficiency—efficiency experts, efficiency bureaus, efficiency methods, in the office, in the school, in the home—until one longs to fly to some savage island beyond the reach of inhuman modern science.
[b.] Not only words, but an entire grammatical structure may be repeated on a large scale for emphasis.
- Weak: We hope that this shipment will reach you in good condition, and that you will favor us with other orders in the future, which will be given prompt and courteous attention. [This sentence is flimsy and spineless because the writer had a timid reluctance to repeat.]
- Strong: We hope that this shipment will reach you in good condition. We believe that the quality of our goods will induce you to send us a second order. We assure you that such an order will receive prompt and courteous attention. [Note the emphasis derived from the resolute march of the expressions We hope, We believe, We assure.]
- Emphatic: Through the patience, the courage, the high character of Alfred the country was saved—saved from the rapacities of fortune, saved from the malignancy of its enemies, saved from the sluggish despair of the people of England themselves.
- Emphatic and natural: This corner of the garden was my first playground. Here I made my first toddling effort to walk. Here on the soft grass I learned the delight of out-of-doors. Here I became acquainted with the bull-frog, and the bumble-bee, and the neighbor's dog.
- Emphatic and delightful: He maketh me to lie down in green pastures; he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul; he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.