I caught this fever at the time it began to spread, and it was pretty severe upon me. I got better, and relapsed, and the second turn of it was worse than the first.[[5]] While under it I had time to consider myself more fully. My present condition was so painful, that I would have done all in my power, and given all I could possess, to be free from it; and yet with my most sanguine hopes, I could not expect hell to be one half so tolerable. What, thought I, is the glory of God to me as a creature? If that same glory only renders me miserable, will the misery of my condition if I am sent to hell, be in any measure alleviated, by the consideration, that the justice of God is glorified by my condemnation? It is true, I shall not cease to exist; but what pleasure can I have in my existence, unless I reap some benefit by it, by having some portion of happiness in it? If I am made completely miserable, and have no prospect of any portion of happiness for the future, my existence must prove my greatest misery. He who knows all things has said, "Good were it for that man, if he had never been born." If the justice of God dooms me to suffer for my sins, woe is me! I now exist, and I can not annihilate myself; nor can I fly from God's justice. I am a sinner, and if I receive not mercy, I must be for ever miserable! How awful is his justice! How great is his power! How daring and delusive the thought of hoping to find any portion of happiness in that place, where he has declared all is perfect misery; where nothing dwells but the terrors of the Almighty; where the subjects of his justice are a terror to themselves, and to each other; where there is nothing but weeping, and wailing, and gnashing of teeth!
As I began to recover, I turned my thoughts more closely than before, to those places of Scripture which describe hell, the place of torment. I examined what the Scripture has said of its awful nature; that it is "a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God;"—for "who knoweth the power of his anger?" and "our God is a consuming fire." I found, also, that the Scripture evidence of its being endless in its duration, was as conclusive as that of the endless duration of the happiness of heaven. He who said that the one was eternal, said the same of the other. But, when contemplating this awful subject, I was at times tempted to think, "It may be, that although God has said so, he may not intend to execute his dreadful threatening to the full extent: there may be a future period, in which he will extend mercy to his creatures, but which he has kept hid from them, for wise purposes, that they might not presume on his mercy, and spend their present lives in sin, and not repent in this world, because there would be an opportunity to repent in the next."—But this reasoning did not long deceive me; for I continued to ponder the subject, and I saw that such a notion did not consist with the veracity of God. He could not say one thing, while he intended another; if I admitted that he said one thing and intended another, with respect to the duration of punishment in hell, it would, with equal consistency, apply to what he said of the endless happiness of heaven, and so render uncertain any hope that might be built upon the promise of it; and if the principle were in one case admitted, it would throw loose all his promises and threatenings, respecting both this world and the next; for we should still have room to think, God has said so, but he does not mean so.—I also reflected, if God has said, that the punishment of hell shall be eternal, and has a secret purpose of mercy at some distant period, if this is a secret of his own, how can any one know it? If he has not told it, how is it possible for any one to find out that which God intends should be secret? Reflection upon this idea, put an end to the speculation, as being a gross absurdity. I also reflected on the nature of sin;—I said to myself, "Supposing I were cast into hell for the sins of my present life, would I cease to commit sin when there? and if I did what was in itself sinful in hell, would the torments of the place excuse it? would the justice of God take no cognisance of what I did there?" This was a piercing exercise to my mind: but it was salutary; and I believe I was indebted to what I had read in Boston's Fourfold State for it, although I was not aware of it at the time. I answered the above queries in this way: If, when I am in a state of partial sufferings here, I am not able to suffer without being at least impatient and fretful, if I do not actually complain and murmur—how can I expect to behave any better in hell? My present sufferings do not excuse the sins I commit under them; I shall then, as well as now, be a subject of the justice of God; and when I shall be suffering for past sins, that will be no excuse for the commission of new ones; if I am to make the debt of sin less by suffering for it, I must not contract more debt at the time I am paying the old; for if I do, I shall continue to be a debtor; and as long as I continue to commit sin, I must continue to suffer for it, for the claims of Divine justice are indispensable. Following out these reflections put a complete end to all speculation, of the probability, or possibility, of ever finding any portion of happiness, if I did not obtain the pardon of my sins, and deliverance from sin itself, before I left this world, and appeared in the presence of God.—These speculations show that my mind was ready to catch at any thing, that appeared to furnish the least hope, however delusive it might be; for when I looked forward to eternity, not having the confidence that arises from faith in the Lord Jesus, as an all-sufficient Saviour, and not discerning the doctrine of his complete atonement and justifying righteousness, I was glad to lay hold of any thing that appeared to afford the smallest glimpse of hope, rather than be without hope altogether.
Having, by the goodness of God, recovered from the fever, the effect of it was to make me resolve once more to devote myself to his service. Gratitude for his mercy in my recovery induced me to do this; and I hoped for better success in my endeavours than heretofore: but alas! it was not long before my conscience found matter of accusation against me; and this threw me as far back as ever. I searched for a reason why I failed in my attempts to serve God; but I did not find the true one. I began to lay the blame on the example and conversation of my comrades; and would fain have palliated the evil of my conduct on this ground, and flattered myself that God would therefore be the less strict with me. But then I reflected, that it would be a pernicious and fatal delusion for me, to flatter myself with any thing that would not stand the test of his judgment seat. I found no toleration for sin, in any situation, in the word of God; and my conscience charged me, not only with wilful sins, for which I could devise no excuse, but also with loving sin itself, which God hateth. Yet, as experience had taught me that one thing led to another, I determined to keep myself as much as possible out of the company of the profligate, and profane, and loose talkers, and to keep my mind as constantly fixed as possible on serious subjects. I set heaven with all its charms before my mind, as the object to be gained, and hell with all its terrors, as the object to be escaped. I contrasted time with eternity, and said to myself, Surely eternity is of such vast importance, as to be worth all the sufferings that can be endured, and all the exertions that can be made, in the narrow bounds of human life. I again set out in a new course of obedience, resolved to watch all the avenues to temptation; and, under the influence of this resolution, I avoided, as much as I could, in my present situation, those whose conversation I wished to shun; but it was impossible to be always out of the hearing of it;—all I could do, was not to mingle in converse with them; and I have frequently stopped my ears with my fingers, that I might not hear licentious and profane talk, when I knew it was going on: but I could not do this on every occasion, and when I did get it done, it gave me a proof of the deceitfulness of my own heart; for evil thoughts and sinful desires would spring up in it even at the time when I was stopping my ears, that I might not hear the wicked conversation of others. To this, however, I was not sufficiently attentive, but laid the blame, in some shape or other, on the temptations with which I was surrounded, as being, either directly or indirectly, the cause why I was not able to keep my own heart. This led me to despair of my ever being able to serve God aright, and obtain his favour by keeping his commandments while I remained in the army. I therefore began to wish I were free of it, and placed in a situation where I should have it in my power to enjoy solitude, and keep out of the way of temptation. I thought that of a hermit a very favourable one; not that I wished to be a hermit altogether, but I fancied if I were only in a situation in which I could keep myself, in a great measure, secluded from the world, and give myself to reading, meditation, and devotion, I should then serve God in a perfect manner. Here again I began to reflect—What if God cuts me off for my sins while I am in the army? What shall become of me? Have I any hope if I should die, or be slain, while in the army? To this perplexing question I could give no answer; all I could do, was to pray to God to spare my life, to deliver me from the army, and to bring me into a situation in which I should have it in my power to serve him. But my mind soon misgave me, and led me to suspect that this was not right; and on examining it, I became convinced that I was equally bound to serve God in my present situation as in any other. Our Lord's answer to Paul's prayer, "My grace is sufficient for thee," and many other promises of God to his people came into my mind; and, although I did not understand them aright, yet they convinced me that my situation would not be an excuse for my sins; they convinced me, that if I was one of God's children, his grace would be sufficient to enable me to serve him acceptably, whatever situation his providence might allot me. But knowing, at the same time, that bad company had a great effect in confirming evil habits, I still thought, that were I but free of the army, I should have a great deal less to struggle with. Before I was free of the army, however, experience convinced me that solitude was no antidote to a deceitful heart; for in the solitary hours of night, while watching and on guard, and during the sleepless nights passed in the hospital, I found abundance of sinful thoughts and desires arise in my heart.
I next went to the opposite extreme, and imagined a state of unremitting activity was the best. I thought that were I discharged and at home, I should then enjoy the means of grace on the Sabbath; that my work would occupy my mind the greater part of my time through the week; and that I should then have it in my power so to regulate my conduct, as to take up my whole attention between lawful and serious things, and thus leave no vacant room in my mind for evil thoughts, or what might lead me to the commission of sin.
Under these exercises of mind I continued until the time when we left Marmorice Bay, which was on the 23d February, 1801, when the fleet weighed anchor, and were all safely collected upon the coast, outside of the bay, before sun-set, and then steered their course for Egypt. A Turkish Admiral, with two or three frigates, had joined the fleet. A number of Greek vessels also were with us, which had been hired to transport the horses that had been procured at Marmorice, for the use of the artillery, cavalry, and field officers. The wind was brisk, but the evening was fine, and as our fleet consisted of near two hundred sail, many of which were large and elegant ships, it had a grand and interesting appearance. This interest was heightened by the consideration of the sea, and the coast, that we were sailing on, for the celebrated island of Rhodes was on our right, and the coast of Asia Minor on our left. The various nations on board of this fleet, as seamen and soldiers, was novel and striking, for there were Turks, Greeks, and English, with Corsicans, and a brigade of soldiers in our service, composed of men from various parts of Germany, but the part that the soldier was destined to act in the enterprise before us, was to him the most interesting contemplation, for his personal safety was the most deeply involved in the undertaking. The wind continued to freshen, and "the fleet had not stood long on its course before one of the Greek vessels, laden with mules, foundered, and one man alone was saved." The Turkish frigates and Greek vessels left us, and took shelter in the nearest ports. The weather was not what we considered bad, but they were not good navigators: their departure, however, was a serious loss to the army, for the want of the horses on board of them. The weather became moderate, and on the 28th we fell in with our squadron that was blockading Alexandria, and on the 1st March discovered land somewhat to the westward of that place. The wind had been light through the day, but freshened during the night, and there were heavy showers of rain. This made the soldiers remark, that if there was no rain in Egypt, there was rain very near it; some who were of a deistical turn began to insinuate that the Bible had not given a correct account of Egypt; and the apparent contradiction made some of us rather at a loss to reconcile it. During the course of conversation on this subject, I heard one observe, that the Bible did not say directly that there never was any rain in Egypt, but that when it spoke of there being no rain there, it referred to the agriculture of Egypt, not depending, like that of other countries, upon rain, but upon the annual inundations of the Nile.[[6]] This is the fact; but it is also true, that although during the winter season there are thunder storms and rain on the sea-coast, yet these seldom go far into the country, and at Grand Cairo rain is a great rarity. After the regiment had been at that city and returned, and after we left Egypt, having staid in it six months, I never heard any one urge the objection any more. All agreed that the scripture account of Egypt was as true as general expressions could describe it; so that this, like many other infidel objections, was founded on an apparent, not a real contradiction. The universal remark upon the country was, that they believed a remnant of the plagues of Moses still existed in it.
[5]. There were few of the regiment that escaped it; all relapsed after the first recovery, and those who were longest of catching the infection were worst.
[6]. Zech. xiv. 18. Deut. xi. 10, and connexion.
CHAPTER V.
On the forenoon of the 2d March, we cast anchor in Aboukir Bay, the place where the battle of the Nile was fought. Here we lay until the 8th, before the weather would permit us to land; a period of great anxiety, for every hour was giving the enemy time to collect his forces, and prepare the means of defence. This made the prospect increasingly awful. Our regiment was intended to have been one of those which should land first; but the fever having increased so much, that about one half of our number were at this time sick, we were unfit to perform a regiment's part, and another of equal strength was put in our place. The bay was shallow, and the ships which contained the troops being in general of a large size, had to anchor at a considerable distance from the shore. On the 7th, a number of smaller vessels which had been loaded with provisions, but whose cargoes were now nearly expended, were moved to about three miles from the shore; and several regiments were put on board of them, that support might be quickly given to those who landed first. All of our regiment fit for duty were ordered into one of these vessels in the evening. The weather was now favourable, and every thing indicated that the landing would be attempted next morning. I slept little or none during the night; but frequently employed myself in short prayers to God to be merciful to me, and to spare me and protect me from danger.—I was surprised this night with a want of my ordinary sight, and heard numbers of my comrades say that they did not see so well as usual, and yet they had no pain in their eyes.
About two o'clock in the morning the signal was made for the first division of the troops to get into the boats, and at three o'clock they were ordered to row for their rendezvous in the rear of one of the light war-vessels that was anchored about a gun-shot from the shore. This was a very fatiguing service to the seamen; because the fleet was so widely anchored, and many of the large ships so far from the shore, that it was nine o'clock before they were all collected and arranged. The enemy could see all our movements; and the unavoidable delays that took place, gave them a fair opportunity to provide for their defence, for they now knew the only point at which we could land. I contemplated the scene with an anxious aching heart. The number of troops in the boats was about 5500, and the whole army about 15,000, of which there were about 1000 sick at the time of landing, and of these about 400 belonged to our own regiment.—There were two bomb ketches and three sloops of war, anchored with their broadsides to the shore; on the right flank of the boats there were a cutter, two Turkish gun-boats, and two armed launches; and on the left flank, a cutter, a schooner, one gun-boat, and two launches. These light vessels were to go as near the shore as the water would admit, to annoy the enemy and protect the boats.