Not every one who is accustomed to most of the usages of good society, is familiar with the approved forms of address, even in the simplest matters. A good authority writes:
Say “Thank you,” not “Thanks”—a lazy and disrespectful abbreviation. If you say “Pardon me,” let your manner be appropriate to your words. “I beg your pardon” is sometimes uttered in prefacing the expression of a contrary opinion, and the insolence of the tone and manner give the words all the force of a contradiction. In most phrases of compliment the words are nothing, the manner everything. So of adding “Sir” or “Ma’am” to “Yes” and “No.” “Yes, sir,” “No, sir,” may be rude and defiant; “Yes” and “No” may be polite and deferential. There is a difference of opinion as to whether it is necessary, or even proper, for people of social equality to add sir or madam to these responses, and especially as to whether children should be taught to do so. It is a provincial custom, but the best usage does not allow it. Children may be taught to say “Yes” and “No” with a well-bred courtesy of tone and inflection to which the additional syllable “Sir” could give no additional grace. It is an important point of training in etiquette to enforce the truth that the spirit of words and deeds is the essence of good manners, or good anything, in fact.
Faulty Social Training.
That society is bad whose members, however tenacious they be of forms of etiquette and elaborate ceremonials, have one code of manners for those whom they deem their equals, and another for those whom they esteem to be of less importance to them by reason of age, pecuniary condition, or relative social influence, writes Mrs. Sherwood. Bad manners are apt to prove the concomitant of a mind and disposition that are none too good, and the woman who slights and wounds people because they cannot minister to her ambitions, challenges criticism of her own shortcomings. A girl who is impertinent or careless in her demeanor to her mother or her mother’s friends; who talks slang; who is careless in her bearing toward young men; who accepts the attentions of a man of bad character or dissipated habits; who is loud in dress or manner—such a girl must be classed as ill-bred and undesirable in good society.
So with a young man who is indifferent to his elders, neglects to acknowledge invitations, sits while a lady stands, does not speak to his host; who is selfish, immoral and careless of his reputation. No matter how rich, or how agreeable to those he may wish to please, he is to be avoided by a wise host or hostess.
If a young girl comes from a secluded circle, and sees some handsome, well dressed woman much courted, and observes in her what seems to be insolent pretence, unkindness, frivolity, and superciliousness, let her inquire and wait before she accepts her acquaintance. Good society is the bringing together of the best men and women in a pleasant and proper way. Good breeding, personal superiority, beauty, genius, culture, are all estimable things, and every one likes a person of charming manners; but the best society is that of those who have virtue and good manners combined.
Tactful Hostesses.
The capable hostess will give her instructions for the details of the entertainment so explicitly that on the arrival of the guests she need have no other care than their pleasure. If she is nervous, or shows constraint, it affects the ease of her guests. Upon the demeanor of the hosts the success of the occasion largely depends. Much tact may be shown in placing the right people together at the table. If one is a great talker let the other be a good listener; if one is dogmatic let the other be without positive views, and so on; for every one is happiest when appearing well. The guests, too, have their obligations, and in recognition of the compliment of being invited where the number of guests is limited to very few, each one should exert himself to be as agreeable as possible, a dull dinner or tea companion being a misfortune. At a dinner there is time, not given at most other forms of entertainment, for rational and sustained conversation, and this may be turned to durance vile if one victimizes by his egotism or caprice the person who without power of withdrawal is assigned to his society for perhaps two hours or more. Also, if one finds himself neighbor to some one he dislikes, it must not be allowed to interfere with the general pleasure; and should such a situation occur, there is nothing to do but to make the best of it. The discovery is sometimes made that an unfriendly person is more agreeable than was supposed, and a pleasanter relationship results.
A Young Girl’s Social Life.
Here is a pretty and instructive little sketch by Ruth Ashmore from her new book on “Sidetalks with Girls,” in which she pictures the “Social Life of a Girl.” She writes: