"In what way do they propose to promote so desirable an object?"
"Pate is a keen observer and a profound and original thinker; and after much meditation he arrived at the conclusion that single women are much happier than those who are married, as is evident from the gayety of young girls, and the sedate, subdued, and careworn appearance of the majority of their wedded sisters. Could girls be persuaded that a state of single blessedness is preferable, all would be well; but the giddy things have their heads full of love and romance, and are but too eager to run into the meshes of matrimony. In all ages, and in all countries, this proclivity of the female sex has been apparent. Even in Crim Tartary, where marriages are solemnized by the singular ceremony of a horse-race, and where the maiden is mounted on a fleet courser, and has the advantage of half a mile start of the man, who must catch her before she reaches a certain designated point in the road, or there is no marriage, what is usually the result? Why, as soon as the word 'Go!' is given, the man makes a vigorous application of whip and spur, while the silly jade, though admirably mounted, holds in her horse and allows herself to be caught before she gets to the end of the course. From extensive observation, Pate was convinced that women are the same all over the world, and will either rush into matrimony, or, like the Tartar maiden, let matrimony overtake them on the road. He plainly perceived that no argument, admonition, or persuasion could prevent them from so doing, and therefore determined on the adoption of a plan which, when thoroughly perfected, will render it almost impossible for young maidens to get married."
"How is that to be accomplished?"
"The Order of Seven Sweethearts is composed of men who cannot marry. They are as strictly a brotherhood of bachelors as were the Fratres Ignorantiæ, or any other monkish order of the olden times. Their duties are important and onerous. They are under an obligation to court all young women, but must never propose marriage. They are especially instructed to be vigilant and prevent gentlemen, who are evidently premeditating matrimony, from paying any of those little delicate attentions which are preliminary to such an event. In order that they may do this, they are required to be in all houses inhabited by young ladies at an early hour in the evening, and are forbidden to leave until every hat and cane have disappeared from the hall. It was thus that Simon Dobbs was prevented from enjoying the society of Susan."
"Pray who is Simon Dobbs?"
"A very worthy citizen of my town. Dobbs had a snug home, and knew a sweet little angel who hadn't a pair of wings behind her shoulders and couldn't fly away, and he longed for an opportunity to invite her to take possession of his domicile. On a certain evening Dobbs was sitting alone on his porch in the moonlight, and was indulging in a delicious reverie, in which visions of future felicity became beautifully apparent. In ten years after this angelic being had taken charge of his domestic affairs he would have—here Dobbs began to count on his fingers—one—two—three—four—five—six—yes, seven sweet little cherubs fluttering around him,—three girls and four boys,—two of them twins, and the finest fellows you ever saw in your life. Here Dobbs snatched up his hat and hurried off to see Susan, fully determined on a matrimonial proposal. But when the unlucky Dobbs entered the parlor he found one of the mystic brotherhood seated by her side. Dobbs waited until a late hour, and was compelled to go home without an opportunity of saying a word on the important subject which occupied all his thoughts. Dobbs dreamed of Susan and the seven sweet little cherubs every night, and every evening, when he called to see her, he found one of the order on duty in the parlor. Poor Dobbs wanted to ask Susan a simple question, but doubted the propriety of doing so in the presence of witnesses. On one occasion Dobbs lingered to a late hour, in the hope that Perch, who was seated by the side of Susan, would leave. The clock struck twelve and Perch still remained on duty. It was then that Dobbs began to seriously apprehend his fate. Unless Azrael should interpose and remove Perch and his brethren to another sphere of existence, his house would never become the habitation of an angel and seven sweet little cherubs. That night Dobbs went home in despair and wished he was a ghost."
"A what?"
"A ghost. Now, Mr. Seddon, you need not open your eyes in wonder at such a wish, for I tell you that those invisible gentlemen who perambulate the air have a great advantage over us poor mortals, who have to waddle about on two legs and carry a burden of one hundred and fifty or two hundred pounds of flesh on our bones, which is a manifest inconvenience to freedom of locomotion. A ghost can do pretty much as he sees fit. He can get on a car and travel as long as he pleases, and the conductor will not nudge him and ask him for his ticket. He can seat himself every Sunday in the best pew of the most fashionable church, and nobody will ever call upon him for pew rent; and he can go to theaters and all places of amusement without apprehension of having his pockets picked or his watch stolen. A ghost never hits his shins against anything in the dark which will make a saint in the flesh swear, but can pass through a stone wall like a current of electricity; and when he wants to be in any distant place, all he has to do is to ride on his own wish and be instantly conveyed to the spot. He can stand with his bare feet on the tip of the North Pole without danger to his ten toes from the frost, and he can then by mere volition instantaneously transfer himself to the tropics, where, as Captain Bragg has informed me, the milk of the cocoanut almost scalds a monkey's mouth at mid-day, and at either place the temperature is just as agreeable to a ghost. A ghost can slip down his neighbor's chimney and peep into his pot and see what he is going to have for his dinner."
"That," said Seddon, "must be a great satisfaction to the ghosts of those enterprising individuals who are given to minding other people's business instead of attending to their own."