He thought of writing Aurora to tell her. But if he told her, she would at once come to see him; of so much one could be sure. And he did not want her to come. The eccentric fellow did not want her to come precisely because he wanted her to come so much.
“This is the way it begins,” he said to himself, with horror, when he became fully aware that his nerves, now that he could not go to find Aurora when he chose, were suggesting to him all the time that the presence of Aurora was needed to quiet that sense of want, of maladjustment to conditions, haunting him like the desire for sleep.
272At sight of his danger he became very clear-headed. The man who sees a snare and walks into it deserves his fate, surely.
“It is time to stop it,” he said. And he laid down for himself new rules of life.
Fortunately, he had at hand some absorbing books. Dostoiewsky’s “Crime and Punishment” could effectively take him out of himself.
But the print was fine and crowded, he was weakened by illness, he was forced now and then to stop and rest with swimming head. Then at once would return, like the demon in fair disguise tempting some hermit of the desert, the thought, “What is Aurora doing? If Aurora knew I was ill, she would come.” And the imagination of her coming would shed a feverish gladness all along those petulant, ill-treated, starved nerves. “What have I to do with Aurora, or Aurora with me?” he would ask, furiously, the incongruity of what had happened to him calling forth sometimes a desperate laugh. But Nature laughs at man’s ideas of congruity; remembering that, he could only hold his hands against his eyes and try to press the image of Aurora out of existence.
Gerald, however, was much stronger than his nerves. He could see his own case, even with a pulse at ninety, as well as another man’s. And his will was firmer than might have been thought. He knew something of a human man’s constitution, how it can circumvent a man, or how a man, well on his guard, can circumvent it. He formed the project of interrupting his visits to the Hermitage.
After this resolution he regarded those returns of earth-born desire for Aurora’s balmy touch and tranquilizing 273neighborhood as a man who had taken an heroic and sure remedy against ague might regard the fluctuations in his body of heat and cold continuing still for a little while. As to how Aurora would take his defection, all should be managed with so much art and politeness that the most sensitive could not be hurt. By the time the new important work which he would make his excuse was accomplished, his cure would have been accomplished as well.
Meanwhile, each time the door-bell rang–it was not often, certainly–his attention was taken from his book, and he listened. And so, on Mlle. Durand’s French afternoon, Gerald, having heard the bell, was listening, but with his face to the fire and his back to the door. When Giovanna knocked, “Forward!” he said, without turning. The door opened.
“C’è quella signora.” “There is that lady,” dubiously announced Giovanna.