MASSAGE A touch, with intent to rub it in.
MATRIMONY A game for women, in which the unmarried half are trying to find a husband and the married half trying not to be found out by one. Both halves are eminently successful.
MEAL According to the Liquor Law, a minute bunch of crumbs entirely surrounded by booze.
MEDIUM A party with one ear in the grave but both hands on your wallet. "Hello, Central! Give me Heaven!"
MELODEON An alleged musical instrument, popular at home, but unpopular next door. From Eng. melody, and Latin, un, without. Warranted without melody.