What shall we say of Don Mario, Don Augustino, and Cardinal Flavio? What Governments, Employments, and Charges had they ever possess’d in their lives? Was it not a fine sight to see Don Mario, who had never worn a Sword in his life, declared Generalissimo of the Holy Church, receiving at the same time, with the General’s Truncheon, a Licence to keep the Sword alwaies in the Scabbard? For when he offered to draw it, and swore to defend the Church with it, the Pope dispens’d with him; saying, Brother, put thy Sword up into thy Scabbard, if thou wilt have part in my Kingdom. To which Command Don Mario hath been alwaies obedient.
When the Cardinal was called to the Government, he was reading the Fables of Æsop, and Don Augustino was making love to a little Courtisan of Siena: and yet on a sudden the latter was called from the arms of a base Strumpet, and made worthy of the Marriage of a great Princess; and the other from his Pastime of Æsop, was admitted to the management of the greatest Affairs, not of Rome only, but of the whole World.
Now what prosperous issue can Negotiations have with such a Race of Politicians? Where shall Embassadors begin, at the Head or the Tail? What devices shall they have to unfold their meaning to such as want sense? Unless all Popes should imitate Gregory the Fifteenth, who in the beginning of his Papacy would not treat of any important matter with any Minister, but excused it by saying, That he would stay till his Nephews were a little instructed in Political Negotiations: And he had reason to stay, for in a short time one of them had an ambitious Whimsey came into his Crown, that he understood more than all the Cardinals, and his Uncle to boot; and accordingly he acted and commanded, without communicating with either.
’Tis a tedious thing to Princes Ministers, who are old Stagers in Councils and Affairs, to have to do with raw, unexperienced Persons, and such as are much different from the Primitive Governours of the Church; who, though introduc’d barefoot, and ill clad, and void of all experience, yet their native simplicity serv’d them very well for the preserving a virtuous Life, far from Political cunning: whereas the Nephews of the present Pope enter simple, not to edifie the People, and adorn the Church with good Lives; but to Lord it over Princes by Policy not comprehensible.
Most Agents lose their time in learning the nature of those that bear sway at Rome, who are indeed unknown to all. They study in what manner to treat with such Persons. They strive to gain the affection of those Governours, who are without any, unless we will say, That they have given up all their affection to heap up Money. They labour to ingratiate with those Nephews who possess all the Grace of the Pope: And in a word, Night and day they contrive to know and be known to the Nephews at Rome, in order to their better success there.
But what? in the fairest of these Intrigues, after so many watchings and toils, after having understood those whom they understood not before, in the greatest heat of their Negotiations, in the beginning of their joy for having found out the right way of managing Affairs, and whilst they are beginning to lay open their Interests to Persons by this time arriv’d to some capacity, behold the death of the Pope falling out on a sudden, drives from the Vatican and from the Government those Nephews who are now understood and experienc’d, to introduce others ignorant, unexperienc’d, and so void of all Political Knowledge, as never to have seen the Court but on the outside, Consultations but in Sport, nor Publick Ministers save in their Coaches.
In this manner poor Embassadors are forced to turn over a new leaf, and like young Scholars put to a new School, they must learn over again what they had learn’d before, to their no small dissatisfaction, as well as injury to their Affairs.
These so sudden shiftings of the Scene, puts the Ministers all in disorder; and the only satisfaction they find, is to laugh at the new Princes of the Church, who have so suddenly leap’d from the Dunghil to the Throne.
Cardinal Onofrio Brother to Urban the Eighth, who was taken from a Cloister of Capucines, and introduc’d into the Affairs of the Court, could never accustom himself to live in any other manner, but in that slovenly way of the Capucines; so that when he was to receive any Embassadors, he committed the most ridiculous pieces of clownishness imaginable.
One day speaking about some War of the Turk in Germany, with the Imperial Embassador, who desir’d him to prevail with the Pope to succour Christendom, which was endanger’d in that Country; the good Cardinal fetching a great sigh, began to say, Ah, my Lord Embassador, those Coleworts, those Coleworts in the Capucines Garden, make me always remember my former condition; and so continuing a Discourse of a quarter of an hour, concerning the goodness of Coleworts, the excellence of Turneps, and the manner how the Capucines boil them in good fat broth; seeming to lick his fingers almost at every syllable, and to swallow a Turnep at every word.