A Book of Burlesques

by H. L. Mencken

(Instantly and loudly) I will.

The Clergyman

Not so fast! First, there is the little ceremony of the clinical thermometers. (He takes up one of the thermometers.) Open your mouth, my dear. (He Inserts the thermometer.) Now hold it there while you count one hundred and fifty. And you, too. (To The Bridegroom.) I had almost forgotten you. (The Bridegroom opens his mouth and the other thermometer is duly planted. While the two are counting, The Clergyman attempts to turn back one of The Bride’s eyelids, apparently searching for trachoma, but his rubber gloves impede the operation and so he gives it up. It is now time to read the thermometers. The Bridegroom’s is first removed.)

The Clergyman

(Reading the scale) Ninety-nine point nine. Considering everything, not so bad. (Then he removes and reads The Bride’s.) Ninety-eight point six. Exactly normal. Cool, collected, at ease. The classical self-possession of the party of the second part. And now, my dear, may I ask you to hold out your tongue? (The Bride does so.)

The Clergyman

Perfect.... There; that will do. Put it back.... And now for a few questions—just a few. First, do you use opiates in any form?

The Bride