So I answered, "Then do not their bellies burst if they stuff them so continually? Can, then, their souls, which are God's image, abide in such fat hog's bodies, in which they lie, as it were, in dark cells and verminous dungeons, imprisoned without knowledge of God? Their precious souls, I say, how can they so let themselves be tortured? Be not their senses, of which their souls should be served, buried as in the bowels of unreasoning beasts?"

"Hold thou thy tongue," answered the pastor, "or thou mayest get thee a sound thrashing: here 'tis no time to preach, or I could do it better than thou." So when I heard this I looked on in silence further, and saw how they wantonly spoiled food and drink, notwithstanding that the poor Lazarus, that might have been nourished therewith, languished, before our gates in the shape of many hundred expelled peasants of the Wetterau, whose hunger looked out through their eyes: for in the town there was famine.

Chap. xxx.: STILL TREATS OF NAUGHT BUT OF DRINKING BOUTS, AND HOW TO BE RID OF PARSONS THEREAT

So this gormandising went on as before, and I must wait on them as from the beginning of the feast. My pastor was still there, and was forced to drink as well as the rest: yet would he not do like them, but said he cared not to drink in so beastly a fashion: so a valiant pot companion takes him up and shews him that he, a pastor, drinks like a beast, and he, the drunkard and others present, drink like men. "For," says he, "a beast drinks only so much as tastes well to him and quenches his thirst, for he knows not what is good, nor doth he care to drink wine at all. But 'tis the pleasure of us men to make the drink profit us, and to suck in the noble grape-juice as our forefathers did." "Yes, yes," says the pastor, "but for me 'tis proper to keep due measure." "Right," says the other, "a man of honour must keep his word": and thereupon he has a beaker filled which held a full measure, and with that in his hand he reels back to the pastor. But he was gone and left the tippler in the lurch with his wine-bucket.

So when they were rid of the pastor all was confusion, and 'twas for all the world in appearance as if this feast was an agreed time and opportunity for each to disgrace his neighbour with drunkenness, to bring him to shame, or to play him some scurvy trick: for when one of them was so well settled that he could neither sit, walk, nor stand, the cry was, "Now we are quits! Thou didst brew a like draught for me: now must thou drink the like"; and so on. But he that could last longest and drink deepest was full of pride thereat, and seemed to himself a fellow of no mean parts; and at the last they tumbled about, as they had drunk henbane. 'Twas indeed a wonderful pantomime to see how they did fool, and yet none wondered but I. One sang: one wept: one laughed: another moaned: one cursed: another prayed: one shouted "Courage!" another could not even speak. One was quiet and peaceable: another would drive the devil out by swaggering: one slept and was silent, another talked so fast that none could stand up against him. One told stories of tender love adventures, another of his dreadful deeds in war. Some talked of church and clergy, some of the constitution, of politics, of the affairs of the empire and of the world. Some ran hither and thither and could not keep still: some lay where they were and could not stir a finger, much less stand up or walk. Some were still eating like ploughmen, and as if they had been a week without food, while others were vomiting up what they had eaten that very day. In a word, their whole carriage was comical, strange and mad: and moreover sinful and godless. At the last there arose at the lower end of the table real quarrels, so that they flung glasses, cups, dishes, and plates at each other's heads and fought, not with fists only, but with chairs and legs of chairs, yea, with swords and whatever came to hand, till some had the red blood running down their ears: but to that my lord presently put an end.

Chap. xxxi.: HOW THE LORD GOVERNOR SHOT A VERY FOUL FOX

So when order was restored, the master-drinkers took with them the minstrels and the womenfolk, and away to another house wherein was a great room chosen and dedicated for another sort of folly. But my lord throws himself on his pallet-bed, for either from anger or from over-eating he was in pain: so I let him lie where he was, to rest and sleep, but hardly had I come to the door of the room when he must needs whistle to me: and that he could not. Then he would call; but naught could he say but "Simple!" So I ran back to him and found his eyes turn in his head as with a beast that is slaughtered: and there stood I before him like a stock-fish, neither did I know what to do. But he pointed to the washstand and stammered out. "Bra-bra-bring me that, thou rogue: ha-ha-ha-hand me the basin. I mu-mu-must shoot a fo-fo-fo-fox!"

So with all haste I brought him the silver wash-basin, but ere I could come to him he had a pair of cheeks like a trumpeter. Then he took me quickly by the arm and made me so to stand that I must hold the basin right before his mouth. Then all must out, with grievous retchings, and such foul stuff was discharged into the said basin that I near fainted away by reason of the unbearable stench, and specially because some fragments spurted up into my face. And nearly did I do the same: but when I marked how deadly pale he was, I gave that over for sheer fright and feared only his soul would leave him with his vomit. For the cold sweat broke out upon his forehead, and his face was like a dying man's. But when he recovered himself he bade me fetch fresh water, that with that he might rinse out the wine-skin into which he had made his belly.

Thereafter he bade me take away the fox: and because I knew not where I should bestow such a precious treasure, which, besides that it was in a silver dish, was composed of all manner of dainties that I had seen my lord eat, I took it to the steward: to him I shewed this fine stuff and asked what I should do with the fox. "Thou fool," says he, "go and take it to the tanner to tan his hides therewith." So I asked where could I find the tanner: but he perceiving my simplicity. "Nay," says he, "take it to the doctor, that he may see from it what our lord's state of health is." And such an April fool's journey had I surely gone, but that the steward was affrighted at what might follow: he bade me therefore take the filth to the kitchen, with orders that the maids should serve it up with seasoning. And this I did in all good faith, and was by those baggages soundly laughed at for my pains.

Chap. xxxii.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS SPOILED THE DANCE