Next day, then, at the review of the troops everything was at sixes and sevens. And even I, poor simple creature, was clever enough to cheat that clever commissary (for to such offices and administrations ye may well know they do choose no simple babes). Which same deceit I learned in less than an hour; for the whole art consisted therein, to beat five with the right hand and four with the left on a drum. For yet I was too little to represent a musqueteer. So they furnished me forth to that end with borrowed clothes (for my short page's breeches were in no wise military to look upon) and with a borrowed drum: without doubt for this reason, that I myself was but borrowed: and with all this I came happily through the inspection. Thereafter, nevertheless, would no one trust my simple mind to keep in my memory any unaccustomed name, hearing which I should answer to it and step out of the ranks: and so must I keep the name of Simplicius; and for a surname the Governor himself added that of Simplicissimus, and so had me written down in the muster-roll. And so he made me like a bastard, the first of my family; and that although, after his own shewing, I looked so like his own sister. So ever thereafter I bore this name and surname, until I knew my right name: and under that name I played my part pretty well to the profit of the Governor and small danger to the Crown of Sweden. And this is all the service that ever I rendered to the crown of Sweden in all my life: and the enemies of that crown can at least not lay more than this to my charge.

Chap. v.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WAS BY FOUR DEVILS BROUGHT INTO HELL AND THERE TREATED WITH SPANISH WINE

Now when the Commissary had gone the abovementioned pastor bade me come secretly to him to his lodging; and then said he, "O Simplicissimus: for thy youth I am sorry, and thy future misery moveth me to sympathy. Hear, my child, and know of a surety, that thy master hath determined to deprive thee of all reason and so to make of thee a fool: yea, and to that end hath he already commanded raiment to be made ready for thee. So to-morrow must thou go to school: and in that school thou art to unlearn thy reason: and in that school without doubt they will so grievously torment thee, that, unless God help thee and other means be used against it, without doubt thou wilt become a madman. Now, because such is a wrong and dangerous manner of dealing; and likewise because I, for thy hermit's piety's sake and for thine own innocence' sake, desire to serve thee, and with true Christian love to assist thee with counsel and all necessary help, and to give thee relief in trouble, therefore follow thou now my teaching and take this powder, which will in such wise strengthen thy brain and wits that thou, without danger to thine understanding, mayst endure all things most easily. Here likewise hast thou an ointment, with which thou must smear thy temples, thy spine and the nape of thy neck, and also thy nostrils; and both these things must thou use at evening-time when thou goest to bed, seeing at no time thou wilt be safe against being fetched forth from thy bed: but look thou that no one be ware of this my warning and the remedy that I impart to thee; else might it go ill with me and thee. And when they shall have thee under their accursed treatment, do thou heed not nor believe not all of which they will strive to persuade thee, and yet so carry thyself as if thou believest all. Say but little, lest thine attendants mark in thy conduct that they do but thresh straw; for then will they change the fashion of thy torments; though in truth I know not in what manner they will go about to deal with thee. But when thou shalt be clad in thy plumes and thy fool's coat, then come again to me that I may further serve thee with counsel. And meanwhile will I pray God for thee, that He may protect thine understanding and thy health of body."

With that he gives me the said powder and ointment, and so I betook myself home.

Now even as the pastor had said, so it happened. In my first sleep came four rogues disguised with frightful devils' masks into my room and to my bed, and there they capered around like mountebanks and twelfth-night fools. There had one a red-hot hook and another a torch in his hands; but the other two fell upon me and dragged me out of bed and danced around with me for a time, and then forced me to put on my clothes: while I so pretended as if I had taken them for true and natural devils, shrieked murder at the top of my voice, and shewed all the effects of the greatest terror. So they told me I must go with them: and with that they bound a napkin round my head so that I could neither see, hear nor cry out. Then they led me by many winding ways up and down many stairs, and at last into a cellar wherein was a great fire burning, and when they had unbound the napkin then they began to drink to me in Spanish wine and malmsey. And fain would they persuade me I was dead, and what is more, in the depths of hell: for I was careful to keep such a carriage as if I believed all that they pretended.

Then said they, "Drink lustily; for thou must for ever abide with us: but if thou wilt not be a good fellow and take thy part, thou must forthwith into this fire that thou seest."

These poor devils would have disguised their speech and voice: yet I marked at once they were my lord's grooms: yet I let them not perceive this, but laughed in my sleeve that they that would make me a fool must themselves be my fools. So I drank my share of the Spanish wine; but they drank more than I, for such heavenly nectar cometh rarely to such customers; insomuch that I could swear they would be drunk sooner than I. But when it seemed to me to be the right time I so behaved myself with reeling this way and that, as I had seen my master's guests lately do, and at last would drink no more, but sleep; but no: they began to chase me all round the cellar and prick me with their prong, which all the time they had left to lie in the fire, till it seemed as if they themselves had gone mad, and that to make me drink more or at least not go to sleep. And whenever, being thus baited, I fell down (and this I often did purposely), then they seized upon me and made as if they would cast me into the fire. So was it with me as with a hawk that is kept from sleep[[10]]: and this was my great torment. 'Tis true I could have lasted them out both in respect of drunkenness and sleep; but they stayed not all the time altogether, but relieved one another's watch; and so at last must I have failed. Three days and two nights did I spend in that smoky cellar, which had no other light but that which the fire gave out: and so my head began to hum and to feel as if 'twould burst, so that at last I must contrive some device to rid me at once of my torment and of my tormentors. And this did I even as does the fox when he cannot escape the hounds, and that so well that my devils could no longer endure to be near me. So to punish me they laid me in a sheet and trounced me so unmercifully that all my inward parts might well have come out, soul and all. And what they did further with me I know not, so gone was I from my senses.

Chap. vi.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WENT UP TO HEAVEN AND WAS TURNED INTO A CALF

Now when I came to myself I found myself no longer in the gloomy cellar with the devils, but in a fine room under the charge of three of the foulest old wives that ever the earth bore: I held them at first, when I opened my eyes a little, for real spirits of hell: but had I then read the old heathen poets I should have deemed them to be the Furies, or at least have taken one for Tisiphone come from hell to rob me, like Athamas, of my wits (for well I knew I was there to be turned into a fool). For she had a pair of eyes like two will-o'-the-wisps, and between the same a long, thin hawk's nose whose end or point reached at least to her lower lip: and two teeth only could I see in her mouth, and those so perfect, long, round, and thick that each might for its form be likened to a ring-finger, and for its colour to the gold ring itself. In a word, there was enough to make up a mouthful of teeth, yet ill distributed. Her face was like Spanish leather, and her grey hair hung in a strange confusion about her head, for they had but just fetched her from her bed. In truth it was a fearsome sight, which could serve for nought else but as an excellent remedy against the unreasonable lust of a salacious goat. The other two were no whit handsomer, save that they had blunt apes' noses and had put on their clothes somewhat more orderly. So when I had a little recovered myself, I perceived that the one was our dish-washer and the other two wives of two grooms. I pretended as though I could not move (and in truth I was in no condition for dancing): whereupon these honest old beldames stripped me stark naked and cleansed me from all filth like a young child; yea, while the work was a-doing they shewed me great patience and much compassion, insomuch that I nearly revealed to them how it truly stood with me: yet I thought, "Nay, Simplicissimus, trust thou in no old women; but consider thou hast victory enough if thou in thy youth canst deceive three such crafty old hags, with whose help one could catch the devil in the open field: from such beginnings thou mayst hope in thine old age to do yet greater things."

So when they had ended with me they laid me in a splendid bed wherein I fell asleep without rocking: but they departed and took their tubs and other things wherewith they had washed me away with them, and my clothes likewise. Then according to my reckoning did I sleep at one stretch twenty-four hours: and when I awoke there stood two pretty lads with wings before my bed, which were finely decked out with white shirts, taffety ribbons, pearls and jewels, as also golden chains and the like dazzling trinkets. One had a gilded trencher full of cakes, shortbread, marchpane, and other confectionery; but the other a gilded flagon in his hand. These two angels (for such they gave themselves out to be) sought to persuade me I was now in heaven, for that I had happily endured purgatory and had escaped from the devil and his dam: so need I only ask what my heart desired, for all that I could wish was at hand or, if not, they could presently fetch it. Now I was tormented by thirst, and as I saw the beaker before me I desired only drink, which was willingly handed to me. Yet was it no wine but a gentle sleeping-draught which I drank at one pull, and with that again fell asleep so soon as it grew warm within me.