The next day I woke once more (for else had I still been sleeping), yet found myself no longer in bed nor in the aforesaid room, but in mine old goose-pen. There too was hideous darkness even as in the cellar, and besides that I had on a garment of calf-skins whereof the rough side was turned outwards: the breeches were cut in Polish or Swabian fashion and the doublet too shaped in a yet more foolish wise: and on my neck was a headpiece like a monk's cowl; this was drawn down over my head and ornamented with a fine pair of great asses' ears. Then must I perforce laugh at mine own plight; for well I saw by the nest and the feathers what manner of bird I was to be. And at that time I first began to reason with myself and to reflect what I had best do. So this I determined: to play the fool to the uttermost, as I might have the chance now and again, and meanwhile to wait with patience how my fate would shape itself.

Chap. vii.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS ACCOMMODATED HIMSELF TO THE STATE OF A BRUTE BEAST

Now it had been easy for me, by means of the hole which the mad ensign had cut in the door before, to free myself. But because I must now be a fool, I let that alone: and not only did I behave like a fool who hath not the wit of his own motion to release himself, but did even present myself as a hungry calf that pineth for its mother: nor was it long before my bleating was heard of them that were appointed to watch me; for presently there came two soldiers to the goose-pen and asked who was in there. So I answered: "Ye fools, hear ye not that a calf is in here." And with that they opened the pen and brought me out, and wondered how a calf could so speak: which forced performance became them even as well as doth the awkward attempt of a new-recruited comedian who cannot play his part; and that so much so that I thought often I must help them to play their jest out. So they took counsel what they should do with me, and agreed to make me a present to the Governor as one who would give them a larger reward if I could speak than the butcher would pay for me. Then they questioned me how I did, and I answered, "Sorrily enough." So they asked why, and I said, "For this reason, that here it is the fashion to shut up honest calves in goose-pens. Ye rogues must know that a proper ox will in due time come of me; and so must I be brought up as becometh an honourable steer."

So after this brief discourse they had me with them across the street to the Governor's quarters: a great crowd of boys following us, and inasmuch as they, like myself, all bleated loud like a calf, the very blind could have guessed by the hearing that a whole herd of calves was being driven past: whereas by our looks we might be likened to a pack of young fools and old.

Then was I by my two soldiers presented to the Governor, for all the world as if they had taken me as plunder: them he rewarded with a gratification, but to me he promised the best post that I could have about him. So I thought of the Goldsmith's[[11]] apprentice and answered thus: "Good, my lord, but none must clap me into goose-pens: for we calves can endure no such treatment if we are to grow and to turn into fine heads of cattle." The Governor promised me better things, and thought himself a clever fellow to have made so presentable a fool out of me. "But no," thought I, "wait thou, my dear master; I have endured the trial by fire and therein have I been hardened: now will we try which of us two can best trick the other."

Now just then a peasant that had fled into the city was driving his cattle to drink. Which when I saw forthwith I left the Governor and ran to the cows, bleating like a calf, even as though I would suck: but they, when I came to them, were more terrified at me than a wolf, albeit I wore hair of their kind; yea, they were so affrighted and scattered so quickly from one another as if a hornet's nest had been let loose among them in August, so that their master could not again bring them together at the same place: which occasioned pretty sport. And in a wink a crowd of folk ran together to see this fool's jape, and as my lord laughed till he was fit to burst, at last he said, "Truly one fool maketh a hundred more."

But I thought to myself, "Yea, and thou speakest this truth of thine own self."

And as from that time forward each must call me the calf, so I for my part had a scoffing nickname for every one: which same, according to the opinion of all and especially of my lord, turned out most wittily; for I christened each as his qualities demanded. In a word; many did count me for a witless madman, while I held all for fools in their wits. And to my thinking this is still the way of the world: for each one is content with his own wits and esteemeth that he is of all men the cleverest.

The said jest which I played with the peasant's cattle made a short forenoon still shorter; for 'twas then about the winter solstice. At dinner-time I waited as before, but besides that I played many quaint tricks: as that when I must eat no man could force me to take man's food or drink: for I said roundly I would have only grass, which at that time 'twas impossible to come by. So my lord had a fresh pair of calf-skins fetched from the butcher, and the same pulled over the heads of two little boys: and these he set by me at table, and for a first course set before us a dish of winter salad and bade us fall to lustily: yea, he commanded to bring a live calf and entice him with salt to eat the salad. So I looked on staring as if I wondered at this, but the thing gave me occasion to play my part the better.

"Of a certainty," said they, when they saw me so unmoved, "'tis no new thing if calves do eat flesh, fish, cheese, and butter; yea, and at times drink themselves soundly drunk: nowadays the beasts do know what is good. Ay, and 'tis nowadays come to that, that but little difference is to be found between them and mankind. Wilt thou not play thy part therein?" And to that I was the more easily persuaded in that I was hungry, and not because I had before seen with mine own eyes how men could be more swinish than pigs, more savage than lions, more lustful than goats, more envious than dogs, more unruly than horses, more stupid than asses, more mad for drink than the brutes, craftier than foxes, greedier than wolves, sillier than apes, and more poisonous than asps and toads; yet all alike partook of men's food, and only by their shape were discerned from the beasts, and specially in respect of innocence were they to be counted far below the poor calf. So I ate my fill with my fellow calves as much as my appetite demanded: and if a stranger had unexpectedly thus beheld me sitting at table, without doubt he had imagined that Circe of old had risen up again to turn men into beasts; which art my master then knew and practised. And as I took my dinner, so was I treated at my supper, and even as my fellow guests or parasites fed with me, so must they with me to bed, though my lord would not permit that I should pass the night in the cow-byre. Now all this I did to befool them that would have held me for a fool, and this sure conclusion did I make, that the most gracious God doth lend and impart to every man in his station to which He hath called him, so much wit as he hath need of there to maintain himself: yea, and moreover, that many do vainly imagine, doctors though they be or not, that they alone be men of wit and they only fit for every trade, whereas there be as many good fish[[12]] in the sea yet.