But even then, while my rescuer's servant conveyed me out of danger, his own master was, by reason of his greed of honour and of gain, carried so far afield that he in his turn was taken prisoner. So when the conquerors were dividing of the spoil and burying their dead, and Herzbruder was a-missing, his captain received as his inheritance me with his servant and his horses: whereby I must submit to be ranked as a horse-boy, and in exchange for that received nought, save only these promises: namely, that if I carried myself well and could grow a little older, he would mount me: that is, make a trooper of me: and with that I must be content.

But presently thereafter my captain was appointed lieutenant-colonel, and I discharged the same office for him that David did for Saul, for when we were in quarters I played the lute for him, and when we were on the march I must wear his cuirass after him, which was a sore burden to me: and although these arms were devised to protect their wearers against the buffets of the enemy, I found it the contrary, for mine own young which I hatched pursued me with the more security under the protection of those same arms: under the breastplate they had their free quarters, pastime, and playground, so that it seemed I wore the harness not for my protection but for theirs, for I could not reach them with my arms and could do no harm among them.[[18]] I busied myself with the planning of all manner of campaigns against them, to destroy this invincible Armada: yet had I neither time nor opportunity to drive them out by fire, (as is done in ovens) nor by water, nor by poison--though well I knew what quicksilver would do. Much less had I the opportunity to be rid of them by a change of raiment or a clean shirt, but must carry them with me, and give them my body and blood to feed upon. And when they so tormented and bit me under the harness, I whipped out a pistol as if I would exchange shots with them: yet did only take out the ramrod and therewith drive them from their banquet. At last I discovered a plan, to wind a bit of fur round the ramrod and so make a pretty bird-lime for them: and when I could be at them under the harness with this louse-angler, I fished them out in dozens from their dens, and murdered them: but it availed me little.

Now it happened that my lieutenant-colonel was ordered to make an expedition into Westphalia with a strong detachment; and if he had been as strong in cavalry as I was in my private garrison he would have terrified the whole world: but as 'twas not so he must needs go warily, and for that reason also hide in the Gemmer Mark (a wood so called between Soest and Ham). Now even then I had come to a crisis with my friends: for they tormented me so with their excavations that I feared they might effect a lodgment between flesh and skin. Let no man wonder that the Brasilians do devour their lice, for mere rage and revenge, because they so torment them. At last I could bear my torment no longer, but when the troopers were busy--some feeding, some sleeping, and some keeping guard--I crept a little aside under a tree to wage war with mine enemies: to that end I took off mine armour (though others be wont to put it on when they fight) and began such a killing and murdering that my two swords, which were my thumbnails, dripped with blood and hung full of dead bodies, or rather empty skins: and all such as I could not slay I banished forthwith, and suffered them to take their walks under that same tree.

Now whenever this encounter comes into my remembrance forthwith my skin doth prick me everywhere, as if I were but now in the midst of the battle. 'Tis true I doubted for a while whether I should so revenge myself on mine own blood, and specially against such true servants that would suffer themselves to be hanged with me--yea, and broken on the wheel with me, and on whom, by reason of their numbers, I had often lain softly in the open air on the hardest of earth. But I went on so furiously in my tyrannical ways that I did not even mark how the Imperialists were at blows with my lieutenant-colonel, till at last they came to me, terrified my poor lice, and took me myself prisoner. Nor had they any respect for my manhood, by the power of which I had just before slain my thousands, and even surpassed the fame of the tailor that killed "seven at a blow." I fell to the share of a dragoon, and the best booty he got from me was my lieutenant-colonel's cuirass, and that he sold at a fair price to the commandant at Soest, where he was quartered. So he was in the course of this war my sixth master: for I must serve him as his foot-boy.

Chap. xxix.: HOW A NOTABLY PIOUS SOLDIER FARED IN PARADISE, AND HOW THE HUNTSMAN FILLED HIS PLACE

Now unless our hostess had been content to have herself and her whole house possessed by my army, 'twas certain she must be rid of them. And that she did, short and sharp, for she put my rags into the oven and burned them out as clean as an old tobacco-pipe, so that I lived again as 'twere in a rose-garden freed from my vermin: yea, and none can believe how good it was for me to be free from that torment wherein I had sat for months as in an ant's nest. But in recompense for that I had a new plague to encounter: namely, that my new master was one of those strange soldiers that do think to get to heaven: he was contented with his pay and never harmed a child. His whole fortune consisted in what he could earn by standing sentry and what he could save from his weekly pay; and that, poor as it was, he valued above all the pearls of the Orient: each sixpence he got he sewed into his breeches, and that he might have more of such sixpences I and his horse must starve: I must break my teeth upon dry Pumpernickel, and nourish myself with water, or at best with small beer, and that was a poor affair for me--inasmuch as my throat was raw from the dry black bread and my whole body wasted away. If I would eat I must needs steal, and even that with such secrecy that my master could by no manner of means be brought to book. As for him, gallows and torture, headsmen and their helpers--yea, and surgeons too--were but superfluous. Sutlers and hawkers too must soon have beat a retreat from him: for his thoughts were far from eating and drinking, gaming and quarrelling: but when he was ordered out for a convoy or an expedition of any sort where pay was, there he would loiter and dawdle away his time. Yea, I believe truly if this good old dragoon had not possessed these soldierly virtues of loitering, he would never have got me: for in that case he would have followed my lieutenant-colonel at the double. I could count on no cast clothes from him: for he himself went in such rags as did beforetime my hermit in the woods. His whole harness and saddle were scarce worth three-halfpence, and his horse so staggering for hunger that neither Swede nor Hessian needed to fear his attack.

All these fair qualities did move his captain to send him to Paradise--which was a monastery so called--on protection-duty: not indeed as if he were of much avail for that purpose, but that he might grow fat and buy himself a new nag: and most of all because the nuns had asked for a pious and conscientious and peaceable fellow for their guard. And so he rode thither and I behind him: for he had but one horse: and "Zounds;" says he, "Simbrecht; (for he could never frame to pronounce my name aright) when we come to Paradise we will take our fill." And I answered him: "Yes," said I, "the name is a good omen: God grant it that the place be like its name!" "Yes, yes," says he, for he understood me not, "if we can get two ohms of the good Westphalian beer every day we shall not fare ill. Look to thyself: for I will now have a fine new cloak made, and thou canst have the old one: 'twill make a brave new coat for thee."

Well might he call it the old one: for I believe it could well remember the Battle of Pavia,[[19]] so weatherbeaten and shabby was it: and with the giving of it he did me but little kindness.

Paradise we found as we would have it and still better: in place of angels we found fair maidens, who so entertained us with food and drink that presently I came again to my former fatness: the strongest beer we had, the best Westphalian hams and smoked sausages and savoury and delicate meat, boiled in salt water and eaten cold. There too I learned to spread black bread a finger thick with salt butter, and put cheese on that so that it might slip down better: and when I could have a knuckle of mutton garnished with garlic and a good tankard of beer beside it, then would I refresh body and soul and forget all my past sufferings. In a word, this Paradise pleased me as much as if it had been the true Paradise: no other care had I except that I knew 'twould not always last, and I must fare forth again in my rags.

But even as misfortune ever came to me in abundance when it once began to pursue me, so now it seemed to me that good fortune would run it hard: for when my master would send me to Soest to fetch his baggage thence, I found on the road a pack, and in the same some ells of scarlet cloth cut for a cloak, and red silk also for the lining. That I took with me, and at Soest I exchanged it with a clothier for common green woollen cloth fit for a coat and trappings, with the condition he should make such a coat and provide me also with a new hat: and inasmuch as I grievously needed also a new pair of shoes and a shirt, I gave the huckster the silver buttons and the lace that belonged to the cloak, for which he procured for me all that I wanted, and turned me out brand-new. So I returned to Paradise to my master, who was mightily incensed that I had not brought my findings to him: yea, he talked of trouncings, and for a trifle, an he had not been shamed and had the coat fitted him, would have stript it off me for to wear it himself. But to my thinking I had done a good piece of trading.