The Adventurous Simplicissimus / being the description of the Life of a Strange vagabond named Melchior Sternfels von Fuchshaim

by Hans Jakob Christoph von Grimmelshausen

Chap. xxxi.: HOW THE DEVIL STOLE THE PARSON'S BACON AND HOW THE HUNTSMAN CAUGHT HIMSELF

Now must I tell you a story or two of things that happened to me before I left the dragoons: and though they are trifling, yet are they amusing to be heard: for I undertook not only great things, but despised not also small affairs, if only I could be assured that thereby I should get reputation among the people.

Now my captain was ordered, with fifty odd men on foot, to Schloss Recklinghausen, and there to carry out a certain design: and as we thought that before the plan could be carried out we had best hide ourselves a day or two in the woods, each took with him provision for a week. But inasmuch as the rich convoy we waited for came not at the appointed time, our food gave out: and we dared not to steal, for so had we betrayed ourselves and caused our plan to come to nothing: and so hunger pressed us sore: moreover, I had in that quarter no good friends (as elsewhere) to bring me and my men food in secret. And therefore must we devise other means to line our bellies if we would not go home empty. My comrade, a journeyman Latinist who had but lately run from school and enlisted, sighed in vain for the barley soup which beforetime his parents had served up for his delight, and which he had despised and left untasted: and as he thought on those meals of old, so he remembered his school satchel, beside which he had eaten them.

"Ah, brother;" says he to me, "is't not a shame that I have not learned arts enough to fill my belly now. Brother, I know, re vera, if I could but get to the parson in that village, 'twould provide me with an excellent convivium." So I pondered on that word awhile and considered our condition, and because they that knew the country might not leave the ambush (for they had surely been recognised) while those that were unknown to the people knew of no chance to steal or buy in secret, I founded my plan on our student and laid the thing before our captain. And though 'twas dangerous for him also, yet was his trust in me so great, and our plight so evil, that he consented. So I changed clothes with another man, and with my student I shogged off to the said village and that by a wide circuit, though it lay but half an hour from us: and coming thither we forthwith knew the house next the church to be the priest's abode; for 'twas built town-fashion and abutted on the wall that surrounded the whole glebe. Now I had already taught my comrade what he should say: for he had yet his worn-out old student's cloak on him: but I gave myself out for a journeyman painter, as thinking I could not well be called upon to exercise that art in the village; for farmers do not often have their houses decorated.

The good divine was civil, and when my comrade had made him a deep Latin reverence and told lies in great abundance to him, as how the soldiers had plundered him on his road and robbed him of all his journey-money, he offered him a piece of bread and butter and a draught of beer. But I made as though I belonged not to him, and said I would eat a snack in the inn and then call for him, that we might ere the day was spent come somewhat further on our way together. And to the inn I went, yet more to espy what I could fetch away that night than to appease mine hunger, and had also the luck on the way to find a peasant plastering up of his oven, in which he had great loaves of rye-bread, that should sit there and bake for four-and-twenty hours. With the innkeeper I did little business: for now I knew where bread was to be had: yet bought a few loaves of white bread for our captain, and when I came to the parsonage to warn my comrade to go, he had already had his fill, and had told the priest I was a painter and was minded to journey to Holland, there to perfect my art. So the good man bade me welcome and begged me to go into the church with him, for he would shew me some pieces there that needed repair. And not to spoil the play, I must follow. So he took me through the kitchen, and as he opened the lock in the strong oaken door that led to the churchyard, O mirum! there I saw that the black heaven above was dark with lutes, flutes, and fiddles, meaning the hams, smoked sausages, and sides of bacon that hung in the chimney; at which I looked with content, for it seemed as if they smiled at me, and I wished, but in vain, to have them for my comrades in the wood: yet they were so obstinate as to hang where they were. Then pondered I upon the means how I could couple them with the said oven full of bread, yet could not easily devise such, for, as aforesaid, the parson's yard was walled round and all windows sufficiently guarded with iron bars. Furthermore there lay two monstrous great dogs in the courtyard which, as I feared, would of a surety not sleep by night if any would steal that whereon 'twas the reward of their faithful guardianship to feed by day. So now when we came into the church and talked of the pictures, and the priest would hire me to mend this and that, and I sought for excuses and pleaded my journey, says the sacristan or bellringer, "Fellow," says he, "I take thee rather for a runaway soldier than a painter." To such rough talk I was no longer used, yet must put up with it: still I shook my head a little and answered him, "Fellow, give me but a brush and colours, and in a wink I will have thee painted for the fool thou art." Whereat the priest laughed, yet said to us both, 'twas not fitting to wrangle in so holy a place: with that I perceived he believed us both, both me and my student; so he gave us yet another draught and let us go. But my heart I left behind among the smoked sausages.

Before nightfall we came to our companions, where I took my clothes and arms again, told the captain my story, and chose out six stout fellows to bring the bread home. At midnight we came to the village and took the bread out of the oven: for we had a man among us that could charm dogs; and when we were to pass by the parsonage, I found it not in my heart to go further without bacon. In a word, I stood still and considered deeply whether 'twere not possible to come into the priest's kitchen, yet could find no other way but the chimney, which for this turn must be my door. The bread and our arms we took into the churchyard and into the bone-house, and fetched a ladder and rope from a shed close by. Now I could go up and down chimneys as well as any chimney-sweep (for that I had learned in my youth in the hollow trees), so on to the roof I climbed with one other, which roof was covered with a double ceiling and a hollow between, and therefore convenient for my purpose. So I twisted my long hair into a bunch on my head, and lowered myself down with an end of the rope to my beloved bacon, and fastened one ham after another and one flitch after another to the rope which my comrade on the roof most regularly hauled up and gave to the others to carry to the bonehouse. But alack and well-a-day! Even as I shut my shop and would out again a rafter broke under me, and poor Simplicissimus tumbled down and the miserable huntsman found himself caught as in a mouse-trap: 'tis true, my comrades on the roof let down the rope to draw me up: but it broke before they could lift me from the ground. And, "Now huntsman," thought I, "thou must abide a hunt in which thy hide will be as torn as was Actaeon's," for the priest was awakened by my fall and bade his cook forthwith to kindle a light: who came in her nightdress into the kitchen with her gown hanging on her shoulders and stood so near me that she almost touched me: then she took up an ember, held the light to it, and began to blow: yet I blew harder, which so affrighted the good creature that she let both fire and candle fall and ran to her master. So I gained time to consider by what means I could help myself out: yet found I none.

Now my comrades gave me to understand through the chimney they would break the house open and have me forth: that would I not have, but bade them to look to their arms and leave only my especial comrade on the roof, and wait to see if I could not get away without noise and disturbance, lest our ambush should be frustrated: but if it could not be so, then might they do their best. Meanwhile the good priest himself struck a light; while his cook told him a fearful spectre was in the kitchen who had two heads (for she had seen my hair in a bunch on my head and had mistook it for a second head). All this I heard, and accordingly smeared my face and arms with my hands, which were full of ashes, soot, and cinders, so vilely that without question I no longer could be likened to an angel, as those holy maidens in Paradise had likened me: and that same sacristan, had he but seen me, would have granted me this, that I was a quick painter. And now I began to rattle round in the kitchen in fearful wise, and to throw the pots and pans about: and the kettle-ring coming to my hand, I hung it round my neck, and the fire-hook I kept in my hand to defend myself in case of need.

All which dismayed not that good priest: for he came in procession with his cook, who bore two wax-lights in her hands and a holy-water stoup on her arm, he himself being vested in his surplice and stole, with the sprinkler in one hand and a book in the other, out of which he began to exorcise me and to ask who I was and what I did there. So as he took me to be the devil, I thought 'twas but fair I should play the devil's part as the Father of Lies, and so answered, "I am the Devil, and will wring thy neck and thy cook's too." Yet he went on with his conjuring and bade me take note I had no concern with him nor his cook; yea, and commanded me under the most solemn adjuration that I should depart to the place whence I had come. To which I answered with a horrible voice, that 'twas impossible even if I would. Meanwhile my comrade on the roof, which was an arch-rogue and knew his Latin well, had his part to play: for when he heard what time of day 'twas in the kitchen, he hooted like an owl, he barked like a dog, he neighed like a horse, he bleated like a goat, he brayed like an ass, and made himself heard down the chimney like a whole crew of cats bucking in February, and then again like a clucking hen: for the fellow could imitate any beasts' cry and, when he would, could howl as naturally as if a whole pack of wolves were there. And this terrified the priest and his cook more than anything: yet was my conscience sore to suffer myself to be abjured as the devil; for he truly took me for such as having read or heard that the devil loved to appear clad in green.

Now in the midst of these doubts, which troubled both parties alike, I was aware by good luck that the key in the lock of the door that led to the churchyard was not turned, but only the bolt shot: so I speedily drew it back and whipped out of the door into the churchyard, where I found my comrades standing with their musquets cocked, and left the parson to conjure devils as long as he would. So when my comrade had brought my hat down from the roof, and we had packed up our provands, we went off to our fellows, having no further business in the village save that we should have returned the borrowed ladder and rope to their owners.

With our stolen food the whole party refreshed themselves, and all had cause enough to laugh over my adventure: only the student could not stomach it that I should rob the priest that had so nobly filled his belly, yea, he swore loud and long he would fain pay him for his bacon, had he but the means at hand; and yet ate of it as heartily as if he were hired for the business. So we lay in our ambush two days longer and waited for the convoy we had so long looked for; where we lost no single man in the attack, yet captured over thirty prisoners and as splendid booty as ever I did help to divide: and I had a double share because I had done best: and that was three fine Friesland stallions laden with as much merchandise as we could carry off in our haste; and had we had time to examine the booty and to bring it to a place of safety, each for his own part would have been rich enough: but we had to leave more on the spot than we bore off, for we must hurry away with all speed, taking what we could carry: and for greater safety we betook ourselves to Rehnen, and there we baited and shared the booty: for there lay our main body.