The people at my lodging were all astonished when I brought the young maid home with me, and yet more when they saw how unconcernedly she went to bed with me. For though this trick which had been played me stirred up great perplexity in my mind, yet was I not so foolish as to put my bride to shame. And so even while I had my dear in mine arms I had a thousand conceits in my head, how I should begin and end my behaviour in this matter. Now thought I, "Thou art rightly served": and yet again I considered that I had met with the greatest disgrace in the world, which I could not in honour pass over without due revenge. But when I remembered me that such revenge must harm my father-in-law and also my gentle and innocent bride, then all my plans were naught. At one time I was so sore ashamed that I planned to shut myself up and let no man see me again, and again I reflected that that would be to commit the chief and greatest folly. At the last I concluded that I would before all things win my father-in-law's friendship again, and would so carry myself to all others as if nothing had happened untoward, and as if I had made all things ready for my wedding. For, said I to myself, "Seeing that this business hath had a strange beginning, thou must give it a like end: for should folk know thou wast trapped in thy marriage and wedded like a poor maiden to a rich old cripple, mockery only will be thy portion."
Being full of such thoughts, I rose betimes, though I had rather have lain longer. And first of all I sent to my brother-in-law who had married my wife's sister, and told him in a word how near akin to him I now was, and besought him to suffer his good wife to come and help to prepare somewhat wherewith I might entertain people at my wedding, and if he would be so good as to plead with our father and mother-in-law on my behalf, I would in the meantime busy myself to invite such guests as would promote a peace between me and him. The which he took upon him to do, and I betook myself to the commandant, to whom I told in merry fashion how quaint a device my father-in-law and I had hatched for making up of a match, which device was so swift of operation that I had in a single hour accomplished the betrothal, the wedding, and the bedding. But inasmuch as my father-in-law had grudged me the morning draught, I was minded instead thereof to bid certain honourable guests to the wedding-supper, to which also I respectfully begged to invite himself.
The commandant was fit to burst with laughter at my comical story, and because I saw him in merry mood I made yet more free, giving as my excuse that I could not well be reasonable at such a time, seeing that bridegrooms for full four weeks before and after their wedding were never in their sober senses: but whereas they could play the fool without attracting note and in their four weeks by degrees return to their senses, I had had the whole business of matrimony thrust upon me in a wink, and so must play my tricks all at once, so as thereafter to enact the sober married man more reasonably. Then he demanded me what of the dowry, and how much of the rhino my father-in-law had given for the wedding-feast--for of that, said he, the old curmudgeon had plenty. So I answered him that our marriage settlement consisted but in one clause--viz., that his daughter and I should never come in his sight again. But forasmuch as there was neither notary nor witness present I hoped the clause might be revoked, and that the more so because all marriages should tend to the furthering of good fellowship. So with such merry quips, which no one at such a time would have looked for from me, I obtained that the commandant and my father-in-law, whom he undertook to persuade, would appear at my wedding-supper. He sent likewise a cask of wine and a buck to my kitchen: and I made preparation as if I were to entertain princes, and indeed brought together a noble company, which did not only make merry with one another, but in the face of all men did so reconcile my father and mother-in-law with me that they gave me more blessing that night than cursing the night before. And so 'twas noised all over the town that our wedding had been of intent so arranged, lest any ill-natured folk should play some jest upon us. And me this speedy settlement of things suited full well. For had I come to be married with my banns called beforehand, as is the usage, 'twas much to be feared there would have been some baggages that would have given a world of trouble by way of hindrance: for I had among the burghers' daughters a round half-dozen that knew me only too well.
The next day my father-in-law treated my wedding-guests, but not so well as I by far, being miserly. And then I must first say what profession I was minded to follow, and how I would maintain my household: wherein I was first aware that I had now lost my noble freedom and must live henceforth under orders. Yet I carried myself obediently and was beforehand in asking my dear father-in-law, as a prudent gentleman, for his advice, to digest and to follow it: which speech the commandant approved and said, "This being a brisk young soldier, it were great folly that in the present wars he should think to follow any but the soldier's trade: for 'tis far better to stable one's horse in another man's stall than to feed another's nag in one's own. And so far as I am concerned, I promise him a company whenever he will."
For this my father-in-law and I returned thanks, and I refused no more, but shewed the commandant the merchant's receipt, which had my treasure in keeping at Cologne. "And this," said I, "I must first fetch away before I take service with the Swedes: for should they learn that I served their enemies, they of Cologne would laugh me to scorn and keep my treasure, which is not of such a kind as one can easily find by the roadside." This they approved, and so 'twas concluded promised and resolved between us three I should within a few days betake myself to Cologne, possess myself of my treasure, and so return to the fortress and there take command of my company. Furthermore a day was named on which a company should be made over to my father-in-law, together with the commission of lieutenant-colonel in the commandant's regiment. For Count Götz lying in Westphalia with many Imperial troops and his headquarters at Dortmund, my commandant looked to be besieged next spring, and so was seeking to enlist good soldiers. Yet was this care of his in vain: for the said Count Götz was, by reason of the defeat of John de Werth in the Breisgau, forced to leave Westphalia that same spring and take the field against the Duke of Weimar on the Rhine.
Chap. xxiii.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS CAME TO A CERTAIN TOWN (WHICH HE NAMETH FOR CONVENIENCE COLOGNE) TO FETCH HIS TREASURE
Things do happen in different fashions. To one man ill luck cometh by degrees and slowly: another it doth fall upon in a heap. So hardly had I spent a week in the wedded state with my dear wife, when I took leave of her and her friends in my huntsman's dress with my gun upon my shoulder; and because all the roads were well known to me, I came luckily to my journey's end without danger threatening. Nay, I was seen of no man till I came to the turnpike in Deutz that lieth opposite Cologne on this side the Rhine. But I saw many, and specially a peasant in the land of Berg, that reminded me much of my dad in the Spessart; and his son was still more like the old Simplicissimus. For the lad was herding swine as I was passing by: and the swine, scenting me, began to grunt and the lad to curse: "Thunder and lightning strike them and the devil fly away with them too!" That the maidservant heard, and cried to the lad not to curse or she would tell his father. The boy answered, she might kiss ... and burn her mother too: But the peasant hearing it, runs out of the house with a whip and cries out, "Wait, thou anointed rascal, I will teach thee to curse; strike thee blind and the devil take thy carcase": and with that he caught him by the collar, whipped him like a dancing bear, and at every stroke, "Thou wicked boy," says he, "I'll teach thee to curse, devil take thee, I'll kiss ... for thee; I'll teach thee to talk of burning thy mother." Which manner of correction did remind me naturally of me and my dad, and yet had I not such decency and piety as to thank God for bringing me out of such darkness and ignorance, and into greater knowledge and understanding. And how then could I expect that the good fortune which daily rained upon me should endure?
So when I came to Cologne I took up my abode with my Jupiter, which was just then in his right mind. But when I told him wherefore I had come, he told me at once that he feared I should but thresh straw; for the merchant to whom I had given my money to keep it had become bankrupt and had fled: 'tis true my property had been officially sealed up and the merchant himself cited to appear; but 'twas greatly doubted if he would return, because he had taken with him all of value that could easily be carried; and before the case could be settled much water might flow under the bridges. How pleasing this news was to me any man can easily judge. I swore like a trooper, but what availed that? I did not get my property back so, and had no hope of ever doing so: besides, I had taken with me no more than ten thalers for the journey, and so could not stay so long as the matter required. Moreover, 'twas dangerous for me to tarry there; for I had reason to fear that, as now being attached to an enemy's garrison, I might be found out, and so not only lose my goods but fall into a still worse plight. Yet for me to return with the matter unsettled, leave my property wilfully behind, and have naught to show but the way back instead of the way thither, seemed to me also unwise. At last I determined I would stay in Cologne till the case was settled, and let my wife know the reason of my delay: so I betook myself to an advocate, which was a notary, and told him my case, begging him to help me with counsel and action, for a proper reward; and if he hastened on the matter I would make him a good present besides the fixed fees. And as he hoped to get plenty out of me he received me willingly and undertook to board and lodge me: and thereupon next day he went with me to the officers whose business it is to settle bankrupts' affairs, and handed in a certified copy of the merchant's acknowledgment, and produced the original: to which the answer was, we must be patient till the full examination of the matter, inasmuch as the things of which the acknowledgment spoke were not all to be found.
So now I prepared myself for another long time of idleness, in which I wished to see somewhat of life in great cities. My host was, as I have said, a notary and advocate: besides which he had half a dozen lodgers, and kept always eight horses in his stable which he used to hire out to travellers: moreover he had both a German and an Italian groom, that could be used either for driving or riding and also tended the horses, so that with this threefold, or rather three-and-a-half-fold trade he not only earned a good living but also doubtless put by a good deal: for because no Jews be allowed in that town he found it easier to make money in all manner of ways. I did learn much in the time I was with him, and especially to know all sicknesses of all men, which is the chiefest art of the doctor of medicine. For they say if the doctor do but know the disease, then is the patient already half cured. Now 'twas my host that furnished the reason why I understood this science, for I began with him, and thereafter to examine the condition of other persons. And many a one I knew to be sick to death that knew not of his own sickness at all and that was held by his neighbours--yea, and by the doctors too--to be a hale and hearty man. So did I find people that were sick with evil temper, and when this disease attacked them their visages were changed like those of devils, they roared like lions, scratched like cats, laid about them like bears, bit like dogs, and to shew themselves even worse than savage animals they would throw about everything that they could get into their hands, like madmen. 'Tis said this disease ariseth from the gall; but I do rather believe its origin is in this, that a fool hath a fool's pride: so if thou hear an angry man rage, especially about a small matter, be thou bold to believe that man hath more pride than sense. From this disease followeth endless mischance both for the patient and for others: for the patient, palsy, gout, and early death (and perhaps an eternal death also). Yet can we with a good conscience refuse to call such men patients, be they never so dangerously ill, for patience is what they most do lack. Some, too, I saw quite sick with envy, of whom 'tis said that they eat their own hearts out, because they do ever walk so pale and sad. And this disease do I hold to be the most dangerous, as coming directly from the devil himself, though yet it spring from mere good fortune which the sick man's enemy doth enjoy: and he that can quite cure such an one may wellnigh boast that he hath converted a lost sinner to the Christian belief, for this disease can infect no true Christians, which have a jealousy only of sin and vice. The gaming passion I hold likewise for a disease, not only because the name doth imply as much, but specially because they that are infected therewith are mad after the thing as if poisoned: it hath its rise from idleness and not from greed, as some do judge; and if thou take away from a man the chances of lust and idleness, that sickness will of itself depart. Likewise I found that gluttony is a disease: and that it cometh from habit and not from overmuch wealth. Poverty is indeed a good protective against it, but 'tis not thereby cured, for I saw beggars that revelled and rich misers that starved. It doth bring its own remedy on its back with it, and that is called Want, if not of money yet of bodily health, so much so that these patients commonly must of themselves be healed when it comes to this, that either from poverty or from disease they can devour no more. As to pride, I took it for a kind of madness, having its rise in ignorance: for if a man do but know himself and remember whence he is and whither he goeth, 'tis clean impossible that he can go on in his foolish pride. When I do see a peacock or a turkey-cock strut and gobble, I must needs laugh like a fool that these unreasoning beasts can so cleverly mock at poor man in this his great malady: yet have I never been able to find a special remedy against it: for they that are sick of it are without humility, as little to be cured as other madmen. Yea, I deemed, too, that immoderate laughter must be a disease, for Philemon died of it and Democritus was till his end sick of it. And so nowadays do our women say they could laugh till they died. 'Tis said it hath its origin in the liver: but I do believe it cometh from immoderate folly, for much laughter is no sign of a reasonable man: nor is it needful to present a remedy for it, since 'tis not only a merry madness but often doth leave a man before he can well enjoy it. Nor less did I remark how curiosity is but a disease and one born in the female sex: 'tis little to outside view yet in truth most dangerous, seeing that we all must pay for our first mother's curiosity. Of the rest, as sloth, revenge, jealousy, presumption, the passions of love, and the like, I will for this turn say naught, since 'twas never my intent to write of such, but will return to mine host, which indeed gave me the hint to reflect upon such-like failings, seeing that he himself was utterly ruled and possessed by greed.
Chap. xxiv.: HOW THE HUNTSMAN CAUGHT A HARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A TOWN