The fellow had, as I have said, all manner of trades by which he scraped together money: he fed with his guests and not his guests with him, and he could have plentifully fed all his household with the money they brought him in, if the skinflint had so used it: but he fed us Swabian fashion and kept a mighty deal back. At the first I ate not with his guests but with his children and household, because I had little money with me: there were but little morsels, that were like Spanish fasting-food for my stomach, so long accustomed to the hearty Westphalian diet. No single good joint of meat did we ever get but only what had been carried away a week before from the students' table, pretty well hacked at by them, and now, by reason of age, as grey as Methuselah. Over this the hostess, who must do the cooking herself (for he would pay for no maid to help her), poured a black, sour kind of gravy and bedevilled it with pepper. Yet though the bones were sucked so dry that one could have made chessmen of them, yet were they not yet done with, but were put into a vessel kept for the purpose, and when our miser had a sufficient quantity, they must be chopped up fine and all the fat that remained boiled out of them. I know not whether this was used for seasoning soup or greasing shoes. But on fast-days, of which there happened more than enough, and which were all religiously observed (for therein was our host full of scruples), we had the run of our teeth on stinking herrings, salt cod, rotten stockfish, and other decayed marine creatures: for he bought all with regard to cheapness only, and grudged not the trouble to go himself to the fish-market and to pick up what the fishmongers themselves were about to throw away. Our bread was commonly black and stale, our drink a thin, sour beer which wellnigh burst my belly, and yet must pass as fine old October. Besides all this, I learned from his German servant that in summer-time 'twas yet worse: for then the bread was mouldy, the meal full of maggots, and the best dishes were then a couple of radishes at dinner and a handful of salad at supper. So I asked him why did he stay with the old miser. He answered he was mostly travelling, and therefore must count more on the drink-money of travellers than on that mouldy old Jew, who he said would not even trust his wife and children with the cellar-key, for he grudged them even a drop of wine, and, in a word, was such a curmudgeon that his like would be hard to find; what I had seen up till now, said he, was nothing: if I did but stay there for a while I should perceive that he was not ashamed to skin a flea for its fat. Once, said he, the old fellow had brought home six pounds of tripe or chitterlings and put it in his larder: but to the great delight of his children the grating chanced to be open: so they tied a tablespoon to a stick and fished all the chitterlings out, which they then ate up half-cooked, in great haste, and gave out 'twas the cat had done it. That the old coal-counter would not believe, but caught the cat and weighed her, and found that, skin, hair and all, she weighed not so much as his chitterlings.
Now as the fellow was so shameless a cheat, I desired no longer to eat at his private table but at that of the before-mentioned students, however much it might cost: and there 'twas certainly more royal fare; yet it availed me little, for all the dishes that were set before us were but half-cooked, which profited our host in two ways--first in fuel, which he thus saved, and secondly, because it spoiled our appetite: yea, methought he counted every mouthful we ate and scratched his head for vexation if ever we made a good meal. His wine, too, was well watered and not of a kind to aid digestion: and the cheese which was served at the end of every meal was hard as stone, and the Dutch butter so salt that none could eat more than half an ounce of it at breakfast; as for the fruit, it had to be carried to and fro till it was ripe and fit to eat; and if any of us grumbled thereat, he would begin a terrible abusing of his wife loud enough for us to hear: but secretly gave her orders to go on in the same old way.
Once on a time one of his clients brought him a hare for a present: this did I see hang in his larder, and did think for once we might have game to our dinner: but the German servant said to me we need not lick our lips over that, for his master had so contracted with the boarders that he need not serve them such dainties; I should go to the Old Market in the afternoon and there see if the thing were not there for sale. So I cut a bit out of the hare's ear, and as we sat at our midday meal and the host was not there, I told them how our skinflint had a hare for sale, of which I was minded to cheat him, if one of them would follow me; for so should we not only have some pastime, but would get the hare too. Every one of them consented; for they had long desired to play our host a trick of which he could not complain. So that afternoon we betook ourselves to the place which I had learned of from the servant, where our host was wont to stand if he gave a tradesman aught for sale, to watch what the buyer paid, lest he should be cheated of a farthing. There we found him in talk with some of the nobles. Now I had engaged a fellow to go to the higgler that should sell the hare and to say, "Friend, that hare is mine, and I claim it as stolen property: last night 'twas snatched out of my window, and if thou give it not up willingly, 'tis at thy risk and the risk of the costs in court." The huckster answered he must first inquire of the matter: for there stood the gentleman of repute that had given him the hare to sell; and he could surely not have stolen it. So as they disputed, they gathered a crowd round them; which when our miser was ware of and saw which way the cat jumped, he gave a wink to the higgler to let the hare go, for by reason of all his boarders he feared yet greater shame. But the fellow I had hired contrived very cleverly to shew every one present the piece of the ear and to fit it into the slit, so that all said he was right and voted him the hare. Meanwhile I drew near with my company, as if we had come by chance, and stood by the fellow that had the hare and began to bargain with him, and when we were agreed I presented the hare to mine host with the request he would have it served up at our table: but the fellow I had engaged with I paid, instead of money for the hare, the price of a couple of cans of beer. So our skinflint must accept the hare, though with no good will, and dared not say a word, at which we had cause enough to laugh: and had I meant to stay longer in his house, I would have shewn him a few more such tricks.
BOOK IV
Chap. i.: HOW AND FOR WHAT REASON THE HUNTSMAN WAS JOCKEYED AWAY INTO FRANCE
If you sharpen a razor too much you will notch the edge, and if you overbend the bow, at last 'twill break. The trick I played on my host with the hare was not enough for me, but I devised others to punish his insatiable greed. So did I teach the boarders to water the salted butter and so to get rid of the overplus salt; yea, and to grate the hard cheese like the Parmesans and moisten it with wine, all which things were to the miser like stabs in his heart. Nay, by my conjuring tricks at table I drew the water out of the wine, and made a song in which I compared the skinflint to a sow, from which there was no good to be looked for till the butcher had her dead upon the trestles. And so I myself furnished the reason why he paid me, and that well, with the trick ye shall now hear: for 'twas not my business to play such pranks in his house.
The two young nobles that were his boarders received a letter of exchange, and the command to go into France and there to learn the language, just at a time when our host's German groom was on his travels and elsewhere, and to the Italian, said he, he dared not trust his horses to him to take into France, for he knew little of him and feared he might forget to come back, and so should he lose his horses: and therefore he begged of me to do him the greatest service in the world and to accompany those two noblemen with his horses as far as Paris, for in any case my suit could not be argued before four weeks were over; and he for his part would, if I would give him full powers, so faithfully further my interests as if I were there in person present. The young noblemen besought me also to the same end, and mine own desire to see France counselled me thereto: for now could I do this without special expense, and otherwise must spend those four weeks in idleness and spend money too. So I took to the road with my two noblemen, riding as their postilion; and on the way there happened to me nothing of note. But when we came to Paris and there put up at the house of our host's correspondent, where also the young noblemen had their letter of exchange honoured, the very next day not only was I with the horses arrested, but a fellow that gave out that my host owed him a sum of money seized upon the beasts, with the leave of the commissary of the Quartier, and sold them. The Lord only doth know what I said to all this: but there I sat like a graven image and could not help myself, far less devise how I could return along a road so long and at that time so dangerous. The two noblemen shewed me great sympathy, and therefore honourably gave me a larger gratification: nor would they have me leave them before I should find either a good master or a good opportunity to return to Germany. So they hired them a lodging, and for some days I stayed with them to wait upon one of them, which by reason of the long journey, as being unused thereto, was indisposed. And as I shewed myself so polite to him he gave to me all the clothing he put off: for he would be clad in the newest mode. Their counsel was, I should stay a couple of years in Paris, and learn the language: for what I had to fetch from Cologne would not run away. So as I halted between two opinions and knew not what to do, the doctor which came every day to cure my sick nobleman heard me once play on the lute and sing a German ditty to it, which pleased him so that he offered me a good salary, together with board at his own table, if I would live with him and teach his two sons: for he knew better than I how my affairs stood and that I should not refuse a good master. Thus were we soon agreed, for, both the noblemen furthered the business all they could, and greatly recommended me: yet would I not engage myself save from one quarter of a year to the next.
The doctor spoke German as well as I did and Italian like his mother tongue: and therefore I was the more pleased to take service with him: and as I sat at my last meal with my noblemen, he was there too, and there all manner of sad fancies came into my head: for I thought of my newly wedded wife, the ensigncy promised me, and my treasure at Cologne, all which I let myself so easily be persuaded to leave: and as we came to speak of our former host I had a whim, and said I over the table, "Who knoweth whether, perhaps, our host have not of intention trepanned me hither that he may claim and keep my property at Cologne?" The doctor answered it might very well be so, especial if he deemed me a fellow of no family. "Nay," said one of the nobles, "if our friend was sent here to the end he should stay here, 'twas done because he so plagued the host on account of his avarice." "Nay," said the sick man, "I believe there is another reason: for as I stood of late in my chamber I heard the host talk loud with his Italian man; so I listened to hear what 'twas all about, and at last from the servant's broken German I understood that the huntsman had accused him to the man's wife of not tending the horses well: all which the jealous knave, by reason of the man's imperfect speech, understood wrongly and in a dishonourable way, and therefore told the Italian he need but wait, for the huntsman should presently be gone." Since then, too, he had looked askance upon his wife and grumbled at her more than before, which I had myself remarked in the fool. Then said the doctor, "From whatever cause 'twas done, I am content that matters have so turned out that he must remain here. But be not dismayed; I will at the first good opportunity help you back to Germany. Only write ye to the man at Cologne to have a care of the money, or he will be called sharply to account. And this also doth raise suspicion in me that 'tis a plot--namely, that he that gave himself out for the creditor is a very good friend both of your host and of his correspondent here, and I do believe the bond, on which he seized and sold the horses, was brought here by yourself."
Chap. ii.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS FOUND A BETTER HOST THAN BEFORE
So Monsieur Canard (for so was my new master called) offered to help me in word and deed, that I might not lose my property at Cologne; for he saw how much it troubled me. So as soon as he had me to his house, he begged I would tell him exactly how my affairs stood, that he might understand and so devise how I might best be helped. Thereupon I thought 'twould avail me little if I revealed mine own poor birth, and so gave out I was a poor German nobleman that had neither father nor mother, but only some kinsfolk in a fortress wherein was a Swedish garrison; all which, said I, I had perforce concealed from my host at Cologne and my two noblemen, as being all of the emperor's party, that they might not confiscate my money as the enemy's property. My intention it was, said I, to write to the commandant of the said fortress, in whose regiment I had been promised an ensigncy, and not only inform him in what fashion I had been deluded hither but also to beg him to have the goodness to take possession of my property, and in the meantime, until I could find opportunity to return to my regiment, to put it at the disposition of my friends. This plan the good Canard thought good, and promised me to forward the letters to their proper place though it were in Mexico or even in China. Accordingly I prepared letters to my wife, to my father-in-law, and to the colonel S(aint) A(ndré), commandant in Lippstadt, to whom I addressed the whole packet, and enclosed the two others. The contents were: that I would present myself again as speedily as might be, if only I could get the means to perform so long a journey, and begged both my father-in-law and the colonel to do their best to endeavour to recover my property by military process before the grass was grown over it, and gave them a full list of the amounts in gold, silver, and jewels. All these letters I drew up in duplicate: and one copy Monsieur Canard took charge of: the other copy I did entrust to the post, that if one copy should go astray, the other at least might arrive safely.