The Real Diary of a Real Boy

by Henry A. Shute

Mar. 14. clowdy. Elkins and Graves had an oxion to-night. Beany got ten cents for going round town ringing a bell and hollering oxion. i went with Beany and it was lots of fun. Beany wouldent treet. he says he is saving money for something. i know what it is it is a valintine for Lizzie Tole. it was mean of Beany not to treet becaus i did as much hollering as he did.

Mar. 15. The funniest thing hapened to-day you ever saw. after brekfast me and father took a walk and then went and set down on the big school steps. father was telling me some of the things he and Gim Melcher used to do. father must have been a ripper when he was young. well ennyway while we was talking old Ike Shute came along through the school yard. Ike wears specks and always carries a little basket on his arm. he cant see very well, and father said to me, now you jest keep still and you will see some fun and when Ike came along father changed his voice so that it sounded awfully growly and said where in the devil are you going with that basket, and Ike was scart most to deth and said only a little way down here sir and father said, move on sir and move dam lively and i nearly died laffing to see Ike hiper. well after a while i see Ike coming back with old Swane and old Kize the policemen. i tell you i was scart but father only laffed and said you keep still and i will fix it all right. so when they came up he said to old Kize what is the trouble Filander and he said Mr. Shute here has been thretened by some drunken rascal, and father looked aufuly surprised and said that is an infernal shame, when did it happen Isak, and Ike said about fifteen minits ago and father said we have been here about as long as that and i dident see the scoundrel. how did he look Isak, and Ike said i coodent see him very well George but he was a big man and he had a awfu deep voice and father said did he stagger enny and Ike said i coodent see wether he did or not but i cood tell he was drunk by his voice. so old Swain and old Kize went down behind the school house and off thru the carrige shop yard to see if they cood find him, and me and father walked home with Ike to protect him and father said now Isak if ennyone insults you again jest come to me and if i can catch him i will break every bone in his body, and father and Ike shook hands and Ike shook hands with me and then we went home and father began to laff and laffed all the way home and then he told mother and aunt Sarah and they said it was a shame to play such a trick upon him and father laffed all the more and said Ike hadent had so much exercise for a year and it wood do him good and give him something to think about. ennyway they said it was a shame to teech me such things, and father said he would rather i wood be tuf than be like Ike, and Aunt Sarah said i never wood be half as good as Ike for he never did a wrong thing in his life, and father laffed and said he dident dass to for his mother wood shet him in the closet. it was aufully funny, but i gess they was right. i shall never be half as good as Ike. i wonder if old Swane and old Kize have caught that man yet.

Mar. 16. Pewt dreened 18 marbles and 2 chinees out of me to-day. we was playing first in a hole. school today. sailed boats in the brook in J. Albert Clark's garden and got pretty wet.

Mar. 17. Scott Briggam has got some little flying squirrels. he is going to get me one for thirty-five cents. i am going to take it out of my cornet money.

Mar. 18. Father wont let me play marbles in ernest. it aint enny fun dreening a feller and then giving them back. i bet father didnt when he was a boy.

Mar. 19. Scott Briggam brought my squirrel today and i paid him 35 cents, 3 ten cents scrips and five cents. i have got it in a bird cage.

Mar. 20. my squirrel got out of the cage last nite and father found him in the water pail drownded. father got up in the night and got a dipper and drank some water out of that pail, he dident eat any brekfast because he was thinking that the squirrel might have been in the pail then. i wonder if it was. ennyway 35 cents of my cornet money has gone up.

Mar. 23. school today. went down to Pewts to draw pictures. Charlie Woodbury can draw the best, then Pewt, and then me. Beany dont like to draw. we was talking about what we was going to be when we grew up. Charlie Woodbury is going to be a picture painter, Pewt is going to be a lawyer, Potter Gorham and Chick Chickering are going to stuff birds for a living, Beany is going to be a hack driver, Gim Wingit is going to run a newspaper, Cawcaw Harding is going to be a piscopal minister becaus he says they only have to read their speaches out of a book, Nipper Brown is going to be a professer, Priscilla Hobbs is going to play a organ in the baptis church. Prisil can play 3 tunes now on a little organ. i am going to be a cornet player like Bruce Briggam. cornet players can go to all the dances and fairs and prosessions and are invited in and treated when people are married and they serrinade them at night, and they don't have to work either.

Mar. 25. almost as warm as summer, went to church and Sunday school. Beany has got a job blowing the organ for Kate Wells. he only let the wind go out 2 times today. it was funny becaus when the organ stopped Mister Wood who was singing let out an auful hoot before he knowed what he was doing Beany will lose his job if he does it again.

Mar. 29, 186- The toads has come out. fine warm day. me and Potter Gorham have been ketching toads this afternoon. they sit in the pudles and peep. folks think it is frogs but most of it is toads. Potter got 23 and i got 18. tonite i put my toads in a box in the kitchen after the folks went to bed. in the night they all got out of the box and began to hop round and peep mother heard it and waked father and they lissened. when i waked up father was coming threw my room with a big cane and a little tin lamp. he had put on his britches and was in his shirt tale, and i said, what are you going to lick me for now i havent done nothing and he said, keep still there is some one down stairs and mother said dont go down George and father said, lissen i can hear him giving a whistle for his confedrit, i will jump in and give him a whack on the cokonut. i had forgot all about the toads and you bet i was scart. well father he crep down easy and blowed out his lite and opened the door quick and jest lammed round with his club. then i heard him say what in hell have i stepped on, bring a lite here. then i though of the toads and you bet i was scarter than before, mother went down with a lite and then i heard him say, i will be cussed the whole place is ful of toads. then mother said did you ever. and father said he never did, and it was some more of that dam boys works and he yelled upstairs for me to come down and ketch them. so i went down and caught them and put them out all but 2 that father had stepped on and they had to be swep up. then all the folks came down in their nitegounds and i went up stairs lively and got into bed and pulled the clothes round me tite, but it dident do enny good for father came up and licked me. he dident lick me very hard becaus i gess he was glad it wasent a berglar and if it hadent been for me it might have been berglars insted of toads.