A Dutch vessel and an English vessel were lying near each other. One of the Dutch sailors wished to show his activity, so he ran up the mast, and stood upon his head on the top of it. One of the English sailors (who did not like to be beaten by a Dutchman) also tried to stand upon his head on the top of the mast. He, however, fell. The rigging broke his fall and he alighted on the deck unhurt. “There, you lubber,” he cried, “do that if you dare.”
The Miserly Planter.
A very miserly planter formerly lived in the island of Jamaica. He often gave his poor slaves too little food. They complained, and he answered that he could not help himself, because the provision ships had been taken by pirates. This lying excuse satisfied them once, twice, thrice, and again, but in the end long fasting made them impatient. Then they went to their master and said to him, “Is it not strange that the pirates have so often taken the ships bringing food, but have never taken the ships bringing pickaxes and hoes?”
A Precious Turnip.
Before Louis the Eleventh became king he used to visit a peasant whose garden produced excellent fruit. After his accession, the peasant brought him as a present a very large turnip which had grown in his garden. The king, remembering the pleasant hours that he had spent under the old man’s roof, gave him a thousand crowns. The lord of the village, hearing of this, thought that if one who gave a paltry turnip received so large a reward, one who gave a really valuable present would receive a still larger reward. He, therefore, offered a splendid horse. The king accepted it and, calling for the big turnip, said, “This cost me a thousand crowns; I give it to you in return for your horse.”
The Dangers of a Bed.
A carpenter asked a sailor, “Where did your father die?” The sailor answered, “My father, my grandfather, and my great-grandfather were all drowned at sea.” “Then,” said the carpenter, “are you not afraid of going to sea, lest you should be drowned too?” Instead of replying, the sailor asked, “Where did your father die?” “In his bed.” “And your grandfather?” “In his bed.” “And your great-grandfather?” “In his bed also.” “Then,” said the sailor, “why should I be more afraid of going to sea than you are of going to bed?”
How to treat Enemies.
A Scotch minister had in his parish a man who sometimes used to get drunk. One day the minister, reproving him for his bad habit, said, “You love whisky too much, Donald; you know very well that it is your worst enemy.” “But,” answered the man slily, “have you not often told us that we ought to love our enemies?” “True, Donald, but I never told you that you ought to swallow them.”