Tender—hearted—Man—User of the Knife,—Would’st thou cut thy Wife? (—Unless two[38] were by?—Fearing she might die?—) Is—not—Blood—the Life? If the Empress of Russia—the Emperor of Germany—the King of Prussia—an Immaculate,—or the Pope of Rome—were sorely smitten—with bad Fistulæ and tormenting Piles—visited Martin to be made quite whole:—Without Confinement—Fomentation—Risk—Infection—Poultice—Caustic—or Cutting:—bringing two per Cent. of Five Years Profit.—☞ Less is not his fee. Nor would he suffer a third person to be in the room. Not wanting help,—he won’t be hinder’d; by half-willed spies; slavish informers: nor sad alarmists. All his patients live: and—Jehovah—praise.
To the Editor—of a Morning Paper—Ego—Secundus.—Of God every man—hath his proper gift: glory be to him—that of mine is healing:—(Not miraculous,—nor by Satan’s aid:)—being vigilant—while gay lads gamed at the Tennis Court—I found it in schools anatomical—Fistulæ and Piles—best my genius fit—Very broad is art—narrow human wit: tho’ man was complete (—As he ought to be with an hairy chin.)—Lovely women hate fops effeminate.—Time approaches when among certain men—in another age—beards—will—be—the—rage!
To many I refer—for my character: each will have the grace—to write out his case; soon as he is well—an history tell: for the public good;—so save human blood: as—all—true—folk—shou’d. Sharkish people may—keep themselves away—Those that use men ill—I never can heal; being forbidden—to cast pearls to pigs; lest—they—turn—and—tear. Wisdom makes dainty: patients come to me, with heavy guineas—between ten and one: but—I—go—to—none. Mender of mankind; in a manly way.
Fistulæ—Patients—Fee—is—according—to ability! let those—who have much give—without grudging!—(heavy guineas—down: I don’t like paper;—unless—from the Bank of good Old England)—Plain folk—do comply—very readily: so shall—the gaudy:—or keep their complaints! Many—are in want of food;—and raiment, for large families. Such—will be made whole—just so speedily as the most wealthy; that’s “one right of man,” and he shall have it; while God grants me health!—(Philosophers—say—Mankind—are equal:—and pure religion—kindly—promotes—good.)—Lofty ones—read this;—then pause a little: down your dust—must lay; promises—won’t do; I can’t go away—to receive some pay from other people!
British Christian Lads. (“Behold—now is the day—of salvation.” Get understanding:—as the highest gain.—) Cease looking boyish:—become quite manly!—(Girls are fond of hair:—it is natural.)—Let your beards grow long: that ye may be strong:—in mind—and in body: as were great grand dads: centuries ago; when John did not owe—a single penny: more—than—he—could—pay.
Phi—lo—so—fie—sirs.—“Heaven gives a will:—then directs the way.” Honor your maker:—And “Be swift to hear: slow—to—speak:—or—wrath.” Leave off deforming:—each—himself—reform: wear—the—marks—of—men—In-con-tes-ti-ble! Jesus—did not shave:—for He—knew better. Had it been proper—our chins should be bare, would hair—be put there:—by wise Jehovah?—Who—made—all—things—good.
Sympathising—Minds!—“Blessed are they that consider the poor.” Princes—Dukes—Lords—Knights—Esquires—Ladies—“Or the Lord knows who,” are hapless mortals!—Many do need me—to give them comfort! Am not I—the first—healer—(at this Day)—of bad Fistulæ?—(with—an handsome Beard)—like Hippocrates! The combing—I sell—one guinea—each hair:—(of use—to the Fair, that want fine children:—I can—tell them how;—it—is a secret—) Some—are quite—auburn;—others—silver white:—full—half quarter—long, growing—(day and night)—only—fifteen—months! Ye must hither come,—(As I go to none)—and bring—one per cent. of five years’ profit:—that’s my settled fee; it—shall be return’d if I do not cure—(in a little time)—the worst Fistulæ: let who will—have failed! Lie telling—is bad:—sotting—makes folk sad! see—(Ananias)—Beginning Acts v. Pot-I-cary—bow—thy—frizz’d—mealy pate! “Despisers,—behold—wonder—and perish!” “God—gives grace to man! Glory—be to God! He—doth all things well!”
Fistulæ—and—Piles, by the help of God—we eradicate, Having wit enough to heal those complaints, my small fee must be—twelve heavy guineas: large six score thousand: We mean 2 pr cent. on five years profit—put it in rouleaus of an hundred each.—Come from ten till one:—for—I—go—to—none.
No one, after reading these extracts, will be inclined to doubt that Van Butchell was an original. His notoriety was such that many used to visit his house, not so much for the purpose of receiving advice as to see and converse with him. The success which he and contemporary quacks made led to the tax on “patent medicines,” which was imposed in 1783, and has now for over ninety years been a fruitful source of revenue. Of Van Butchell’s contemporaries, one of the most worthy of note was Katerfelto, of whom Cowper speaks in “The Task”—
And Katerfelto, with his hair an end
At his own wonders, wondering for his bread.