A History of Advertising from the Earliest Times.

by Henry Sampson

WHO begs most respectfully to acquaint his Friends that he has, for the Benefit of the Public, commenced the above Business; and, from the long Time he had studied under the different Masters of the Magical Mysteries in the present Age, also, in all the ancient and modern Books, in Astrology, Nicromancy, Divinations, and all the magical Charms, Spells, Rites, Enchantments, and hidden Mysteries in past and future Events, flatters himself that he has become Proficient in his Art.

Hail, Medea, hail! if still he scorn the Spell,
By Fate, I’ll force him to the Gates of Hell!
Such potent Sorceries an Assyrian taught,
As to a magic Charm the Drugs he wrought.

J. A. can break any Charm caused by Enchantment; can also immediately name the Planet under which a Person is born; and will also inform any Person whether he or she will be married, and to whom; and can inform all married Men, to their Satisfaction, in all the secret Transactions which they may suppose to have taken place with their Wives; can also conjure back any stolen Goods, and bewitch any Person or Animal who has done any one an Injury, &c. &c.

Hail, Hecate! and give my rising Spell
Ev’n Appollonius’s Sorceries to excel:
Bid my strong Witchery match ev’n Circe’s Skill,
O’er the dire Rites,—my Mysteries fulfil.

J. A. also begs to add that he has not spared any Expence to make himself Master of all the magical Mysteries, and is confident of his own Abilities in being able to give every Satisfaction to those who may favour him with a Consultation will meet with due Attention, but their Letters must be post-paid, inclosing a Post-office Order for 5s. The Age of the Applicant must be stated. Persons attending will be charged 2s. only. J. A. is also a Dealer in Talismanick Charms, engraved with magical Characters, 10s. 6d. each.

A man who commences a sorcery business for the benefit of the public deserves to succeed, especially when he can break any charm caused by enchantment, conjure back stolen goods, and so play the avenger’s part as to bewitch any person or animal who has done any one an injury. It is a pity J. A. did not get some of his mysterious agents to put his lines a little in order. The other is a Tyneside advertisement, and shows also a partiality for verse—indeed consists of nothing else, if we except the name and address; but its theme is far more material than that of its companion. Unlike in the case of the publican of Wych Street, we will not assume that Mr Catcheside employed any one over the following effusion, of which he is welcome to all the credit:—

JOHN CATCHESIDE,
GROCER & TEA-DEALER,
BIGG-MARKET,
NEWCASTLE.

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YE gentlemen of town and country,
A shop, next door to Whitfield’s entry,
Is just fit up for your inspection,
By Mr Catcheside’s direction;
Good ladies, too, I crave your favours,—
To please you shall be my endeavours.
Without the fairer sex are pleas’d,
The mind of man is never eas’d.
But ladies, pray, and gentlemen,
Call, and I’ll please you if I can.
I’ve Teas of all sorts you can mention—
To keep them good is my intention:
All from the India-house direct,
Warranted genuine you may expect;
Which I do sell on lowest terms,
And not as gentlemen let farms;
I’ve Sugars too, the same to sweeten,
As good as ever yet were eaten;
Loaves, well refin’d as ’ere you saw,
Which boiling water scarce will thaw.
I’ve Treacle, Juice, and Sugar-Candy,
And Turkey Coffee strong as brandy;
The very best Plantation ditto,
With Fry’s and White’s best Patent Cocoa,
And Churchman’s Patent Chocolate,—
All which I sell at a low rate.
I’ve fine Tobacco, Patent Shag,
Twist, Saffron Cut, and Common Rag;
And Snuff, whatever kind you choose,
To clear your brain, and warm your nose;
Zant Currants, commonly call’d Spice,
Orange and Lemon Peel, and Rice;
Malaga Raisins, too, I sell,
With Bloom, and Sun, and Muscatell,
With which you well may stuff your wigs;
Or here’s French Plumbs, or Turkey Figs;
Or Prunes, if you do think them fitter,
With Almonds, Jordan, Shell, and Bitter;
Nutmegs, Cloves, Cinnamon, and Mace,
Good as you’ll get at any place;
Season your syllabubs and custards;
For beef, I’ve Vinegar and Mustards.
All kinds of Pepper, too, I’ll sell ye,
Macaroni and Vermacelli;
Anchovies, Cassia, and Cassia-buds,
And many other sorts of goods,
Prepar’d for puddings, pies, and sauces:—
Come, buy them cheap, ye bonny lasses!
And if your birds for seeds do gape,
I have Canary, Hemp, and Rape;
And further down you need not wander
For Annis, Carraway, and Coriander;
Of Ginger, too, I’m never scant,
For any purpose you may want.
I’ve Sago fine, and Capers both,
And famous Barley for your broth!
Salt Petre, Bay and Basket Salt,
To make your hams without a fault;
With Picked Isinglass and Staple,
To make your ale fit for the table:—
Then what can man desire more,
Than beef, and broth, and ale in store?
But dinner’s done; come, draw the table,
Here’s Soap to wash while you are able;
But if you think that will not do,
Here’s Poland Starch and Powder Blue;
And if you’d have some coarser washes,
I have good Pearl and Comby Ashes;
Should you incline to wash by night,
I’ve Candles, too, will shew you light.
To spin dry wool you need not toil,
I’ve plenty Whale and Florence Oil.
Set by your wheels, your tongs, and poker
And paint your nooks with Yellow Ochre.
Put all your dye-pots to one side,
When with fresh Indigo supplied;
Then paint above your lintel-head
And chimney-pieces with Black-Lead.
If still materials you do lack,
I’ve Fuller’s Earth and Ivory Black,
Logwood, Copperas, and Whiting,
Yea many more things not worth writing.
Once more your favours I solicit,
I’m ready waiting for a visit;
Most due attendance will be given
From seven at morn till eight at even;
Or later, if it seems expedient,
By your most humble and obedient,

JOHN CATCHESIDE.