"I ain't declarin' that I was perfectly reasonable; I was surprised. When I was young and soople I've done twenty-odd foot in a running jump, but to see a man jump two hundred foot and carry a hand-car along with him was a branch of sport new to me, and perticler when done by a man like Pete.
"'Why,' says I, as I climb the tree and helped him down, 'however did you come to do it?'
"'I dunno, Zeke,' says he, 'honest to Gosh'—Pete never used a cuss-word—'honest to Gosh,' says he; 'I dunno. The last I remember was thinkin' why this here law of gravitation couldn't be made to work as a man wanted it, when "bump" says somethin' behind me, and I went right along, as you see. I tried to figger it out, comin', but turning handsprings made me dizzy.'
"These are points to show life as lived by my friend Pete Douglass. His autogeography would be plumb full of happenin's. At first sight, lookin' careless, you'd say, 'Why, here's the most unforchinit cuss I ever heard about,' but on a sober thought, to a man accustomed to havin' sober thoughts, it seemed as if there was luck in the bank, to pull through such performances and live to tell the tale.
"I mentioned this idee to Pete.
"'Why'' says he, 'I should holler horray every time I'm most killed,' he says. 'Is that what you mean?'
"'Look-a-here,' says I, 'I'm able to mean all I'm capable of meanin' without any outside help. I mean you're the great human paradox—less human and more paradox then I've seen advertised at a circus—and whilest you're perpetual dodging one horn or t'other of a dilemma, any friend of yours is getting bunked square between the two. If anything 'ud keep a man from being selfish, you would,' says I. 'D——d if I ain't spent two-thirds of my time and drawed some on the last, fishin' you out of messes. Now,' I says to him, 'why don't you get married and settle up?'
"Dear friends and brothers, that was just a piece of pursyflage. I know women better than any man I ever met that I felt knew less. I've seen wimmen so foolish I wouldn't believe anything more foolish could exist, if it hadn't a-been I'd seen still more foolish wimmen with these same eyes. But a woman who'd marry Pete was beyond my expectations. It took a lady with a turble brain-power and a deliberate intention to arrive at that state of mind; so when Pete says to me, 'That's just what I be goin' to do, Zeke,' he had me swallowing my breath.
"I gathered my fadin' strength and gained perticlers.
"Seems there was a lady 'bout thirty or forty years older than she oncet had been, who did plain washin' for the Royal Soverign Prince boys. The R. S. P. mine was run rather irregular. The boys took the clean-ups for wages, and the owner took the proceeds from stock he sold as dividends. I may mention there was less in clean-ups than there was in stock, so the future Mrs. P. Douglass was buckin' fate in the shape of a brace game. They was an awful nice set of boys, the Royal Soverign Princes, but when you divide thirty dollars and fifty cents amongst fifteen men for a month's wages, the washer-lady can't expect city prices.