“‘The lady, who was a stout-built female something under six feet, had a little dark-complected man under the crook of her arm, and whilst she spanked him with the stove-lid she hollered “Help!” and “Murder!” That poor little—I mean to say, that scoundrel—had kicked over most of the truck that was movable, the cat and dog was gobblin’ what would have been breakfast if this unhappy dispute hadn’t come about, and they was growling and snapping and spitting, too.
“‘There weren’t no peace about it.
“‘Just as my eyes got used to this, the little man made a violent effort, caught the lady by one foot, and pushed. She lost her balance and fell agin the crockery-box. That lost its balance and fell on both of them. All I could see was two pair of feet. Nothing could be more painful than to see a lady covered with crockery and a large closet.
“‘I got in front to straighten things up again, and the gentleman bit me in the leg. I called “Peace!” to him, but he didn’t care. Then I got the thing half-straightened up—you will notice by this lump under my right ear where the lady took me one with the stove-lid.
“Don’t you dast touch my husband!” says she. [Page 253]
“‘I kept right on with the good work, and, although it seems onreasonable to the untutored, and yet absolutely necessary under the conditions, I put one foot on the lady and pulled as much as I could of the gent away from her.
“‘Something whizzed over my head and took my brand-new Stetson right along with it into the fire that the upset cook-stove had started. My foot slipped on a piece of pertater, and I come down right in the middle of domestic bliss. The lady wrapped one hand in my hair, and hit me with the other fair hand that weighed about eight pounds.
“‘“Don’t you dast touch my husband!” says she. “You big brute, what do you mean?”
“‘“Ma’am,” says I, kind of jerky—for the little dark-complected feller had squirmed loose and was basting me with a section of stove-pipe, accusing me of striking his wife—“ma’am,” I says, “I don’t hardly reckon you are doing the right thing by me. I only wanted to keep you from harm”—and them was my last words.