Witnesses, continuing, affirmed that they were reared in the same way to the age of six months. It was then determined to feed the one (Tom) in the Protectionist, the other (Bill) in the Free Trade spirit. All manner of food was stuffed into the latter at all hours; the former had a sparse meal once a week of honest English husks and bean-pods, with a little straw. Look at them now! “Kruger,” the free-trader pig, was so fat he could hardly walk. His life was a burden: he implored the release of death. “Roosevelt,” on the other hand, was a frisky, amiable, and active pig, capable of the most amusing tricks, and a fit companion for the best wits of the age.
The Witnesses then stood down after receiving the thanks of the Court.
A Ferret, two Dormice, and a Capercailzie having been heard to little effect,
A Boa-Constrictor was called to show that indirect taxation was capable of indefinite expansion, and a Hippopotamus to satisfy the Court that a broad basis was synonymous with stability.
A Trained Lion was sworn, and showed, in the most amusing manner, under the artificial stimulus of a trainer with a whip, how in old age, with his teeth drawn and his spirit thoroughly broken, even so dangerous a beast could be put to the most useful work: such as rolling a log, balancing a see-saw, ploughing the sand, wiping something off a slate, doing a little spade work, and even roaring at command more loudly than in youth. The Imperial Brute was dressed in a large Union-Jack, and while it provided instruction afforded also entertainment to the company.
Many other witnesses, subpœnaed at enormous expense, carried conviction to all present, when Mr. Chamberlain ordered to be introduced the Elephant, presented by our Friend and Ally, the Maharajah of Gûm.
After some delay, during which the anxiety of the Court was terrible to behold, a Marabout arrived announcing that the Faithful Animal and Loyal Servant of the Empire had breathed its last that very hour in its Rooms at St. James’s! The Marabout, who elected to be sworn in the Hindoo manner, that is, formally and without prejudice, recounted with many sobs the last hours of the noble Pachyderm. It was chosen, he assured the Court, on account of its peculiar longevity; it being assumed by His Highness the Maharajah (here witness bowed once to the Court, once to the Royal Arms, and once to nothing in particular) that an animal which had outlived the Empire of the Great Mogul would survive the protracted Inquiry upon the Fiscal Relations of the &c., &c. Alas! Providence had otherwise disposed!
In a chastened and humble mood, and dwelling upon the vanity of human affairs, the Court solemnly adjourned. The Duke of Marlborough was heard to murmur, in the words of Burke, “What shadows we are, and what shadows we pursue!” a phrase which Mr. Chamberlain immediately entered in his pocket-book under the heading “p. 273, pop. quota.; mem. Latin original?”