I don’t think they would have known who I was if my beard had not caught fire. Everybody lost their heads. The girls fainted. The boys ran for the fire buckets. I finally got a fire-extinguisher going, but the thing was so old-fashioned several inches of whiskers were burned before I put out the flames.

“Several inches of whiskers were burned”

FRIDAY.

Remarks:
Christmas—peace on earth, good will to men. Up early to see what was in my stocking. We had a family gathering in the saloon this morning. Received the most original presents. Mrs. Ham gave me some cigars (haven’t smoked any yet) and a pink lounging jacket. The family gave me: handkerchiefs, a stick pin, Christmas cards, another red tie, slippers, a knitted shirt, and a pair of skates. Ham gave me subscriptions to several magazines. I gave Mrs. Noah a handsome pair of anklets, and a cut-glass salad bowl. Gave Japheth his first razor. He’s only 82 and hasn’t much of a beard. I gave the ladies the regular Christmas presents.

When I was a child I enjoyed Christmas more than I do now. It’s too expensive for a man with a family as large as mine. People do give such inappropriate presents. I never looked well in a red necktie.—Had a real plum-pudding for dinner, but I think the plums were prunes.—Oh! yes, I did not get my egg today. They made eggnog out of it.—We opened a barrel of candy.—I’m glad the day is over.

SATURDAY.

Remarks:
Lit a Christmas cigar. I never heard one spatter as much when it hit the water. The slippers pinch my feet.—Yorick walked in my way today. I gave him a kick. Mrs. Noah saw me. She jawed me and said I had to stop kicking her pet around.—Mrs. Ham complained to the captain that Mrs. Shem and Mrs. Japheth keep taking her steamer chair. I told her she would have to see the deck steward about it.—I wish Ham would work more and draw less.—Took my bath.

SUNDAY.

Remarks:
I would like to see a newspaper.—Those two Texas steers are mighty interesting. Just to think what a big trust their descendants will figure in.—The poor guineapigs caught their tails in the machinery today. Now, they will have to go through the generations tailless.—Tried to smoke another Christmas cigar while promenading the deck with Mrs. Noah. How we men do suffer for our wives’ sake. Accidentally dropped it overboard.—We’re sailing up the Jordan River. Of course, Mrs. Ham told us all about her last trip. That woman has travelled a bit, and continually says, “When I was here the last time,” or “When I was here before.” It is vulgar to talk like that. These old travellers are pests.—Hurrah! the prunes are all gone.