"GREENWICH, Sabbath.
"Heard Dr. Milledoler preach in the state prison to the convicts, from Luke 19:10: 'For the Son of
man is come to seek and save that which was lost.' He addressed them as fellow-sinners, all being by nature lost and dependent on the same means for recovery.
"True, my heart accords. O Lord, thou knowest I stand in my own estimation a sinner, the chief of sinners. These have added to their sin against thee, breach against men, and are suffering the penalty.
"My sins have been chiefly, though far from exclusively, against God, and with many aggravations. That I was born in a Christian land, of pious parents, who gave me religious instructions; brought up under faithful, lively ministers, and in religious society; exposed to few temptations but what arose from the corruptions of my own heart, are aggravations, which, perhaps, many are mourning over, as heightening the sin of unbelief in their unregenerated state. But the aggravations — the painful remembrance of which mars my comfort and covers me with shame and confusion even now, though I know that God is pacified with me — are as far above these as the heavens are above the earth. For in that Christian land, under those Christian parents and faithful pastors, while yet young and tender, I was enlightened, tasted of the heavenly gift, was made a partaker of the Holy Ghost, tasted of the good word of God and the power of the world to come. I was taken from the fearful pit and miry clay; my feet set upon the rock, and a new song put into my mouth, even to the amount of, O death, where is thy sting? — of redeeming love, pardoning grace, new covenant mercy, I had 'joy and peace in believing,' But forgetting my natural character, the extreme volatility of my spirits, my taste for gayety; forgetting
the danger of smothering the heavenly spark by indulging to the utmost bound of lawful pleasure; forgetting my continual need of fresh supplies of grace to preserve and feed that new life which could not live on earthly food; forgetting the deceitfulness of my heart, the injunctions of my Bible, I became cold, negligent in the use of means, distant in prayer, lost enjoyment, and my heart, naturally carnal and madly fond of pleasure, got entangled. 'The lust of the flesh, the lust of the eye, and the pride of life' regained their power; other loves usurped the place of that Beloved who had bought me with his blood, and betrothed me to himself; 'that which came into my mind was, that I would be as the families of the countries, to serve wood and stone.' Blessed be his name, he said, 'It shall not be.' He brought me into the wilderness and pleaded with me, caused me to pass under the rod, brought me again into the bond of the covenant.
"O how often hast thou wrought with me, for thy name's sake. One self-willed step brought with it a train of consequences dangerous to spiritual life, filling even the path of duty with pits and snares, cutting me off from ordinances, pastor, parents, church, country, and Christian society; placing me at the same time in the midst of carnal delights; and every thing in my natural temper and dispositions was congenial to them. What saved me? What in heaven or earth could save me, but thy covenant? Truly thy covenant standeth fast; therefore I was not lost in the vortex. But 'the Lord God, merciful and gracious, long-suffering, and abundant in goodness and truth, forgiving iniquity, transgression, and sin,' kept his eye upon me; many a time did he stop up my path. O from how
many delusions of my own seeking; how many snares and nets of my own weaving; how many pits of my own digging, hast thou delivered me, when wandering, bewildered, on temptation's ground, in the cloudy dark day. How often hast thou sought me out; how often bound me up when broken, strengthened me when sick, and fed me with judgment, and very, very often, thou madest thyself known to me. I knew thy hand when it shook the rod, when it arrested me on some mad career. I knew thy hedge, thy bar; saw not only escapes, but my Deliverer: often paused, turned, and took fast hold of thy covenant. I had no afflictions in those days, but every pleasure lawful to be enjoyed, and natural to the heart of woman; but no pastor, no church, no Christian society; yet God was there, my Bible, my Doddridge, and other good books. And to my shame and confusion this day, he was not, in the midst of all my idolatry, a barren wilderness, nor a land of drought to me. I had many Sabbaths; literally the Sabbath was a sign between my covenant God and me: ill spent it often was, but not with company; it was spent in retirement. The Lord did not leave me so far as to give up the Sabbath to the world. Though my heart was incrusted, and spiritual life scarcely discernible, sometimes the Lord met me, and strange to tell, not with threatenings causing terror, but with compunction, melting, turning, and ere the day was over, manifestations of pardon, though not joy; for I was grieved at my ingratitude.
"I did expect affliction long before it came, and my presumptuous heart calculated upon the fruit being the peaceable fruit of righteousness, and to take away sin; but still I held my way, gadding about, drinking
the waters of Sihor and the rivers of Syria, and eating the worldling's dainties. Oh, Oh, at last it came; yes, it came. Thou didst cut off the desire of my eyes with a stroke, and with that made the world a blank to me. But O the stately steps of thy providential mercy previous to that trying hour. O my God, I must ever wonder and stand amazed at thy exuberant grace. In consistence with thy covenant, thou mightest have struck me among these worldlings, in that dry and barren land, where not one tongue could speak the language of Canaan, nor bring forth from thy precious Bible the words of consolation to my wounded and bereaved spirit; richly had I merited this; but never, no, never hast thou dealt with me as I sinned. Through the whole of my life, from the time that the Lord called me out of darkness into his marvellous light — from the time that he first led me to the Saviour, and enabled me to take hold of his covenant, wanderer, backslider, transgressor, rebel, idolater, ingrate, and if there be any name more expressively vile and abominable, that is mine. And from the hour of my birth, through the whole of this refractory perverse life, 'the Lord, the Lord God, merciful and gracious, long-suffering, abundant in goodness and truth, forgiving iniquity, transgression, and sin,' has been, and now is, thy name to me.