"Old age is upon me, and some of its infirmities; my memory is much impaired, and my mind in temporal things and subjects becomes very desultory. Not so in spirituals: I think I not only hear and read with more intense attention and prompt application, but my mind is more disposed to meditation; and though I cannot remember much of the sermons I hear, yet my mind is often furnished with happy and profitable thoughts on the same subjects; and I find myself instructed without remembering the instructions. This is evidently from the Lord. It appears to me also that I have not lost the sensibility of youth. I often shed tears, not only of compunction, but of gratitude. I seldom commune without tears. I think much of death; am solemnized, but not afraid.
"As far as I know, my confidence rests upon a surety-righteousness, exclusive of every thing in myself. I am not conscious of self-righteousness; I have no complacency in any thing ever done by me. I not only believe that in all things I come short, and that sin is mixed in all I do, because God hath said so, but am sensible of the particular depravity. It is my sincere desire to be stript of every thing that is mine — sins and duties laid in one heap — and to be clothed in the surety-righteousness of my Redeemer; all that is
mine put to his account, and all that he did and suffered, as the Mediator and surety of the covenant, to mine.
"I am afflicted with rheumatism, but God gives me patience, disposes me to enumerate my many remaining mercies — eyes to read his word and ears to hear it preached; hitherto such moderation of pain as very often to be able to attend with fixedness. I have my room at my own command, candle, fire, and attendance; and O, bless the Lord, my soul, much of his sensible presence. In the night when my aches prevent me from sleeping, he gives me some sweet hymn; I sing, my pain is diverted, while my heart is melted and warmed under the expressions, and I often drop asleep with the words on my tongue.
"I am convinced that the provision I have laid in for my last journey in the wilderness and through Jordan, is selected by the influence of the Holy Ghost. He takes of the things of Christ and shows them unto me; and while he keeps upon my mind my meanness, my vileness, wrings my heart with the retrospect of my backslidings and highly aggravated transgressions, he opens at the same time the leaves of the New Testament and shows me my deliverance from punishment, the redemption of my soul, and my translation into the kingdom of God's dear Son: I weep and rejoice; I loathe myself, and clasping my Saviour to my heart, am at a loss for words to express how precious he is to my saved soul.
"Jesus, I love thy charming name,
'Tis music to my ear;
Fain would I sound it out so loud
That heaven and earth should hear.
Yes, thou art precious to my soul,
My transport and my trust,
My Saviour, Shepherd, Husband, Friend,
No other good I boast.
All my capacious powers can wish,
In thee doth richly meet;
Not to mine eyes is light so dear.
Nor friendship's self so sweet.
Thy grace shall dwell upon my heart
And shed its fragrance there,
The noblest balm of all my wounds,
And cordial of my care.
I'll speak the honors of thy name
While I have life and breath;
Then, speechless, clasp thee in my arms,
The antidote of death.'
"Dr. M—— preached in the evening from Eph. 3:30: 'For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.' It was a rich sermon; I enjoyed it at the time, but cannot recall it. Blessed Spirit, keep it for me, and feed me with the substance of it, as I stand in need.
"Accept of my thanks, blessed Jesus; that through thy meritorious life and death, I have an interest in the great whole. Accept of my thanks, blessed Spirit, for thus taking the things of Christ and showing them unto me. And accept of my thanks, Father of mercies, for the gift of thy Son, and all these blessings in him.
"'Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who hath blessed us with all spiritual blessings in heavenly places, in Christ Jesus.' Amen."