Thou Friend of sinners, if I may
Approach, O give a heart to pray,
And let Thy Spirit plead.
But few the hours he has to live,
O give repentance and forgive,
Forgive the bloody deed.
At intervals have found it good, yea very good, while upon my knees; indeed I must say my happiest moments have been there. Why am I ever remiss in this duty, which brings me more solid peace than anything beside? There, I converse with God; there, behold His glory; there, forget self; there, get love to cover faults; there, assimilate to the image of God. This week has been marked by the affliction of my two youngest children. How painful to a mother to see them suffer! yet Lord, Thou knowest, I would rather see them droop and even die, than that they should live to rebel against Thee, and shut themselves out of Thy kingdom. O my God, on my knees, I present them all to Thee. Bless them with grace and understanding, and save them for ever.—I have had to grapple with rheumatism. It is painful, but what in duration, when compared with eternity? Nothing. May my soul, evermore fly upward. What need in health to prepare for sickness! There is then plenty to do to hold fast whereunto we have attained.—Cousin John Stables has exchanged life for immortality. His last words were, 'I am going to heaven, I know I am.' Blest knowledge in the hour of death! but more exalted, they who daily live with the assurance 'I am Thine', centering in God their hope and wish,—My dear little Hannah died, aged twenty weeks. A sweet smile rested upon her countenance. O Death! how art thou robbed of thy terrors, when infancy smiles in thy presence! Have not been at my class for a long time in consequence of ill-health: to-day I might have gone, but with shame confess, I forgot the time. O Lord lay not this sin to my charge. My heart would not displease Thee; my soul delights in Thee, and derives its happiness and peace from God my Saviour: no merit in myself, but Christ is all in all.—I would this evening offer Thee my heart; give me sincerity O God, and let me know the sacrifice is accepted. I am under deep obligation to Thee for having so far removed the pain from which I suffered May ease be gratefully acknowledged by me, and let my life show forth Thy praise. I bless the Lord for all the good I possess, and am constrained to say, it is all divine. Have begun to read Locke on the Understanding. Lord enlarge my capacity.—Enjoy better health than for several months; for this may my soul be truly thankful. It is good for me that I have been afflicted; I have learned to value my mercies as the gift of heaven. My anchor is in Jesus; from him my peace perpetually springs. I now feel he is my God. Yet the secret motions of my heart concur with the enemy of my soul to bring me into bondage, I long for victory. When will the happy moment arrive? Have lately thought the Lord has something for me to do; I would not bury my talents in the earth; but do Thou Lord, who knowest my insufficiency, direct my way. Glory be to God, I am blest while calling to mind his innumerable mercies. It is like lifting up the lid of a casket to expose the jewels contained therein to the light of the sun, whose radiance they reflect, and whose heat they attract.—How sweet to be at the throne of grace! Have had great freedom with the Lord while interceding for a fallen friend, over whom I lament. O that God would reclaim the wanderer. My soul is sweetly drawn out after more of the image of God, for to the present I have but little imitated my Lord. God help me in my life to display every feature of his character. My dear cousin Ann is, I fear, sinking, so true is it, 'Man cometh up as a flower,' and is cut down; but she is happy in God. This is cause of thanksgiving. Many of the excellent of the earth are retreating behind the veil. May I work while it is day. What a poor slothful soul I have been, when heaven shines so bright above me. Now I feel resolved to work. Jesus, Thou seest my heart, aid me that I loiter no more. A full salvation is what my soul aims at; but ah! how grovelling and low are my desires! language is too poor to express my poverty, when seen in the light of the Sun of righteousness.
O! when shall I from sin set free,
Bask in the light of Deity?
Expand my heart and fill the wide expanse.—While Mr. Haswell was preaching, a woman cried out, 'Bless the Lord; bless the Lord O my soul.' I trust she was under divine influence. Mr. H. gave out; 'Praise God from whom,' &c. I began to suspect the power of God was more eminently present than I imagined: this led me to seek after it in my own breast, and to long for a more powerful manifestation. Praise God, I could say,
'Lo! God is here, let us adore.'
On my return home, I met the judge with his retinue returning from court, lighted by torches. How solemn! But what, when the Judge of all the earth shall descend from heaven with a shout and with the trump of God! At His bar must I appear, and conscience that staunch witness, give its unimpeachable evidence for or against me, O that Jesus, the sinner's friend, may then sustain my cause. Praised be His name; faith springs up in my heart, and encourages me to believe that I shall receive the crown of life. Blessed hope!—Mrs. —— breakfasted with me. We had a truly blessed morning—our conversation was in heaven. During the day I have been troubled with evil reasoning. When shall this body of death be destroyed, and Christ be all in all? Visited Miss D. in the asylum. She seems in dark despair; I got her to her knees, and found it precious to my own soul.—Glory be to God I dare believe. Keep me till I am fully saved. Am watching my William in the measles; Richard has just recovered. What a mercy I am in health to attend them; yet am afraid my too anxious care for them has checked my zeal. Through mercy my soul lives to-day; I feel a divine appetite, and am looking for the appearance of my Lord to the destruction of all the carnal mind.—At Stockton lovefeast, the Lord opened my mouth, both in the Chapel, and at a neighbouring house; I was constrained to speak. May the imperfect hints thrown out be as bread cast upon the waters, and what I said amiss the Lord forgive. The peace of God ruled my heart.—The mournful tidings of Cousin Mary's death has reached us. The day before, she was up sewing. How sudden a transition from time to eternity! Although at the funeral, I cannot learn how she died. How my heart is oppressed! She has left a fine smiling boy unconscious of his loss, and her father, whose displeasure she had incurred by her marriage, unreconciled. How my feelings are ploughed up! The training of my children occasions me great solicitude. How shall I safely steer, where so many make shipwreck? Without Thy direction and influence, I too shall miss my way. Come then, thou heavenly Wisdom, teach me to imbue their tender minds with truth, that the impression may remain in riper years.—Another parliamentary election. O my God elect me 'through sanctification of Thy Spirit.'—My mind suffers keenly in consequence of a conversation with ——. Thou, Lord, knowest exactly where the error lies; let it be discovered. If I am in the wrong make me willing to retract. I want to be a Christian in deed and truth.—It was impressed upon my mind to call upon Miss M. H., and urge her to seek salvation, having long been a hearer of the Gospel. I scarcely knew how to break through, as I had no particular acquaintance with her. However, passing by the same day, providence so ordered it, that she sat facing the door. I passed, but remembering my impression, mustered courage and returned. After inquiring about her health I told her my errand. She was affected, and said she had a very hard heart. I replied, 'It is not too hard for God to soften.' With much fear I undertook the charge of Miss Bentley's class, in consequence of her indisposition, but trust the Lord will soon restore her to active usefulness. The more willingly I offer myself to the Lord, the sweeter communion I find with Him.—Repeated my visit to Miss M. H., I believe in obedience to the influence of the Spirit which constrained me—not intending to call at that time. I found her sincerely seeking salvation, and endeavoured to point her to the Lamb of God. My own soul was blessed while thus engaged. How shall I praise God for His love to a worm?—Called again, when she told me she had received a visit from the Lord. She durst not say her sins were forgiven, but felt encouraged.—Having to pass through some things of a trying nature, I felt fully resigned, and the throne of grace easy of access. Keep me at Thy feet, O God, that I may rise in Thy likeness and in all things do Thy will.—Mr. Moore remarked in his sermon, 'Happy is the man of one book;' my heart replied, So he is, for in all I read, I find no book so sweet as the Bible; yet there are some which are precious, and which I value as a treasure.—Another distinguished mercy. After another attack of cramp the Lord has been pleased to restore to me the use of my hands, which have been locked from three o'clock in the morning until evening. May I never forget the Lord's mercy towards me, but studiously labour to be found of Him in peace, that when the awful crisis arrives, I may be ready."
"1819. I am still in a weak state of body, unable to attend to my family. O Lord, support my mind. Feel resolved to cast my soul on Jesus; and although I have to struggle to retain my hold, will hang on the Crucified."
This year was one of severe personal affliction, which continued for several months. At one time little hope was entertained of her recovery, and none that she would ever again be restored to active life. Medical aid seemed utterly unavailing; but the Lord had chosen her in the furnace of affliction, and by these means, inscrutable at the time, was refining and fitting her for remarkable usefulness. At length when the process was complete, contrary to the predictions of physicians, and beyond the expectations of her friends, she was given back again to her family, and the church. In reference to this affliction, she says, in a letter to one of her daughters:—
"Your brother Samuel is put out to nurse; he is a delicate little boy. I am at Mrs. F.'s out of Walmgate Bar, for the benefit of my health; if it please God to sanctify the means. In some respects, I am better, but yet very feeble; however, I am in the Lord's hands, and have been for a long time his prisoner. I wish to keep my cause in his hand. Poor Samuel! I every day expect to hear, that he has escaped to glory. My weakness reconciles me to his loss, for the righteous Judge of all the earth cannot but do right. Dear Mary will discover from my writing, there is an alteration in me. To tell you the truth, I can scarcely recollect how to spell; my memory is so much impaired by this affliction. But thank God, I have the full use of my reason, and my soul longs to awake after the image of God. Friends are very kind in visiting me which makes the days pass more pleasantly. I ride out when the weather is fine, but am able to walk very little."
On her recovery she writes:—