One day, one of our fishermen brought in a string of trout which far overshadowed the miraculous draught of fishes in the Sea of Galilee. On being questioned as to how he did it, he said he got one bite and pulled for three hours. The fish kept catching hold of each others' tails in their eagerness to be caught, until he had landed four barrels of the toothsome fat trout.
Our champion brought from a few hours' hunt, enough quail for the entire town; and when asked how he did it, he replied: "Oh, I saw three thousand quail roosting on the limb of a tree. I had only my rifle with one ball; I shot at the limb, cracked it, their legs fell through the crack which closed when the bullet went through, and chained them all hard and fast. All I had to do was to cut off the limb with my jack-knife and bag the whole lot."
One day this mighty Nimrod brought home three bears and four deer. "How did you do it?" asked the envious multitude. "I was asleep in my wigwam, was waked up by a rumpus outside, rushed out with my gun, and chased the crowd around the hut till I was dead beat, then I bent my rifle across my knee into the exact circumference shape of my house, and fired. The bullet whistled by me for half an hour, chasing the varmints who were chasing each other; bum by, the bullet caught up, went through the whole crowd, and by gum; that 'ere bullet is chasing round that wigwam naouw."
On another occasion, this same man brought in a lot of wild turkeys all ready for the table. As usual we expressed our wonderment. "Wall, by gum," said he, "'twas the beatemest thing you ever heered on. I was waked up by these critters squawkin' over my haouse; I fired up chimbly, and daown tumbled the whole gang; the fire burnt off the feathers and roasted um up braown afore I could get at um."
"But how about the stuffing?"
"Oh, that's nothin'; they'd stuffed themselves afore I shot um."
We had often congratulated ourselves upon our immunity from snakes, never having seen even one in our Bailiwick; but our sweet dreams of peace were rudely disturbed by this Baron Munchausen who horrified our ladies one day, by saying that he went into our church to make some repairs, and there met a rattle-snake which swallowed him whole at one full swoop; at once he recalled the Sunday-school lesson of Jonah in the whale's belly, took courage, struck a match, made a bonfire of his hat, and by its light cut his way out with his hatchet, ran to his house, got his gun and shot the snake, which was so large that he had not noticed the man's cutting, nor his escape, but was vastly enjoying his after dinner nap. This man long bore the honors of being the champion liar and champion hunter of the universe.
Thus, rapidly, sped away our days replete with alternating smiles and tears until arrived the time for our annual stockholders' election. On our way to Ocala to attend this important event, I conversed at length with the Rev. W——, upon whom I had conferred many and profitable favors. This ostentatiously pious individual expressed much gratitude for my kindness to him, assured me that my administration of affairs had been a grand success, that I had gained the merited respect and confidence of all the people in the town and that he would urge my reelection as general manager, with all his strength.
The conference progressed very harmoniously for awhile, when I was called out to see a man on some important business, and on reentering the room, I noticed some excitement among the members, when General Chamberlain, the president, called me to his chair and frankly told me, in the hearing of all, that the Rev. W—— had, as soon as I left, denounced me fiercely as a fraud and a liar, stating that I had the respect of no one in B——; that the town would be ruined were I reelected; that he himself would take my position without any salary, relying solely upon commission from land sales, as compensation, and that he made this statement at the unanimous request of the citizens of the town.
All eyes were turned to me for an explanation. I looked for awhile at the hypocritical clergyman very steadily, until he cringed like a viper, and turned pale as a ghost. I then narrated the statements made to me scarcely an hour before, called upon him for some proof of his accusations, and closed by saying that I would not accept a reelection unless it came to me unanimously. The craven reverend left the room without a word; I was reelected without a dissenting vote, and thus closed one of the most revolting revelations of depravity that I ever witnessed.