On the Stage--and Off: The Brief Career of a Would-Be Actor

by Jerome K. Jerome

JUVENILES. “Oh, my——!”

MAN. WIFE and THE FIDDLE do first verse of “Home, sweet home.”

FIRST OLD MAN. “‘Ah, that voice—er-er—echo of old memories—er-er-er—houseless wanderer-dry herself’” (crossing and opening an imaginary door). “Poor child—er-er-er—I’m an old man—er—my wife’s out—return and—er—the homeless orphan.’”

MAN. WIFE. “Will there be any lime-light on here?”

FIRST OLD WOMAN (sotto voce). “Oh, let her have some lime-light. She wants to let her back hair down.”

STAGE MAN. “Certainly, my dear. There’ll be a fire-place in this corner, and red lime-light from it.”

MAN. WIFE. “Oh, all right; I only wanted to know. Now, what was it—‘homeless orphan.’ Oh, that’s my long speech, you know: ‘Is this a dream that I have dreamt before—played here when a child.’”

FIRST O. M. “‘Sweet child—your face recalls strange memories of er-er-er—been just your age.’”

STAGE MAN. (interrupting). “Slow music throughout.”

FIRST O. M. (continuing). “‘Never from that night—er—golden—I can’t believe she’s dead.’”