Some Observations Upon the Civilization of the Western Barbarians, Particularly of the English / made during the residence of some years in those parts.

by John B. Swazey

Lately, also, the English Barbarians have stood silent and seen another tribe on the Main Land (which aided them just before in the War for the Turk, and, in fact, saved them from being shamefully beaten) completely overthrown and mercilessly sacked by another tribe—when a kindly word would have saved great suffering. But it does not displease the English Barbarians to see another tribe weakened—and their trade was not touched in this war—in fact, perhaps they had more to gain by pleasing the strong tribe which came out victorious.

The English themselves complain that, lately, they have not distinguished themselves by their usual glorious expeditions; that their war-ships and their fierce warriors are getting out of use, and that the late Committee of Government, made the name of England inglorious. This feeling at length got possession of the Lower House, and a new Committee appeared. These say that the attempt to carry on affairs with other tribes, upon the moral rules of the Christ-god worship, although the tribes are devotees, is absurd. That the late Committee, who had some slight notion of correct moral precepts, and thought possibly one might venture to trust the Sovereign Lord of Heaven, were peace-at-any-price men, milksops (a term of reproach equivalent to milkmaids) [kin-e-suk], and that, in their hands, the English Lion had been muzzled—made an object of contempt! (This blood-thirsty beast is the admired symbol of English power.)

This new Committee are pledged to seize the very first occasion which may offer to exhibit the British. Lion (as he is styled) with his muzzle off, his claws sharpened, and his frame well fed and strong. The taxes are raised and the most exact attention is devoted to all needful things to perfect this beast to the standard of his ancient might. And the present Government—Committee—watch with keen eyes for that opportunity, when they shall suddenly let spring this monster! It is supposed that the angry growl [heuien-ro] will sufficiently alarm; if not, the terrific roar [Zuung-luu] cannot fail! The only drawback to this ferocious pastime will be found in those members of the Lower House, who, themselves bearing a good weight of taxes without the emoluments of office, may oppose the majority and reduce the arrogancy of its temper. None the less, in the present brutal conceit of the Lower House and of the lower orders, a war may at any moment break out, if for no other purpose than to show other Barbarians that the British Lion is still a Lion in full vigour! The idea of a dull, toothless, blind old brute, which even a jackass (as one of the Barbarian fables has it) may kick with impunity, is too intolerable!

The morality of the present Loyal Court is said to be admirable—when you can once find the Royal residence. But this is quite a myth. There is, in this reign, no Loyal Court, only a domestic circle—a Royal Family—not kept up with so much splendour as some of the homes of the High-Caste. It is said that no suitor of an improper moral colour may approach any Princess, unless he be a cousin of the Queen, when the blood sanctifies the taint, and all is clean. If a real cousin be not of these suitors, one as nearly related among the poverty-stricken princes of the Barbarians from the Main Land as can be had, is selected. He must profess to worship the great Superstition of the English Sect, and detest the Roman Pope—at least, in public. His poverty is no objection—that is more than counterbalanced by the Illustrious obscurity of his race—that is, some family which ages ago contrived to live by plunder, and by making itself safe within the walls of stone castles, among steep rocks and hills. A family whose descendants feel more pride in these, now, old and ruinous wrecks of former insolence, than in any other possession—and whose alliance is acceptable to the English Queen! The poverty of these petty chiefs is, however, removed; nor do they marry a Princess of the English Queen unless they be paid for it. It is not the Queen who pays; the occasion is seized upon to obtain that provision to which I have referred.

And the paltry chief, and his new, royal bride, know poverty no more; they, and their children, and children's children, are provided for by the Lower House, who tax the people for this privilege, so much valued by them!—this privilege of succouring and enriching the worn out, useless and decaying chiefs of foreign Barbarians, who have any, the remotest, trace of kinship to the Royal House of England!

The more considerable events, therefore, in the present reign, as the Barbarians think, have reference to these marriages of Royal Princesses, births, christenings (baptizings), deaths, and the like among them. The Low-House readily takes these opportunities to profess its homage and devotion. The Queen follows the Sacred Writings with great exactness, which commands "take care of those of your own blood"—indeed, her devotion to this precept is, perhaps, more noticeable than her devotion in general.

Her Illustrious presence is rarely known among the people. When she does appear, she is hardly more than respectfully and silently worshipped. She does not attract the love of the people—though she is (as a sly Barbarian youth of the Low-Castes once said to me, sarcastically), very dear [chean]. (A pun [phu-nsi] on the word; which may mean beloved, or very costly).

When, as rarely happens, to honour some Show wherein the Royal presence may bring money to a Charity, the Queen appears, surrounded by Royal guards, and in State, there is always to be seen a gigantic servant, dressed in the scarlet of the Royal household, seated immediately behind the Sacred Person, to watch over and rescue her from any danger. His body and mighty strength are always ready to be interposed! This favourite servant, it is said, assists her Illustrious, when, among the hills of the Far North, she visits the great, high rocks, and climbs the sides of mountains—his strength is so ready, trusty, and invaluable!

To her, and to her subjects, a great loss was inflicted when Death destroyed the youthful Consort of the Queen, when she was still young. He was one of ancient family among the petty Barbarian chiefs to whom I have referred; was near in blood to the Queen, and by her greatly beloved, it is said. He was never allowed any power in the State, and was a subject of the Queen, though her husband. It is whispered that he did not quietly submit to this condition of things—but it would not be worth the notice of a wise man to attend to this gossip. I could never learn that he was of any use; but, none the less, the Barbarians exalt him very highly, and have built lofty monuments to his honour. I said use—I forgot—he gave a very numerous brood of princes and princesses to the English Barbarians. Of these they are very proud—not because they do, or can ever do, anything useful, but because it adds to the number of the High-Castes, and around them very many poor members of that caste can cluster, and live upon the cast-off clothes and other second-hand things of these exalted!