After he had kept his Bed a while, his distemper began to abate, and he to feel himself better, so he in little time was so finely mended, that he could walk about the house, and also obtained a very fine stomach to his food: [146a] and now did his wife and her good friends stand gaping, to see Mr. Badman fulfill his promise of becoming new towards God, and loving to his wife: but the contrary only shewed it self. For so soon as ever he had hopes of mending, and found that his strength began to renew, his trouble began to goe off his heart, and he grew as great a stranger to his frights and fears, as if he had never had them.
But verily, I am apt to think, that one reason of his no more regarding, or remembring of his sick-bed fears, and of being no better for them, was, some words that the Doctor that supplied him with Physick said to him when he was mending. For as soon as Mr. Badman began to mend, the Doctor comes and sits him down by him in his house, and there fell into discourse with him about the nature of his disease; and among other things they talked of Badmans trouble, and how he would cry out, tremble, and express his fears of going to Hell when his sickness lay pretty hard upon him. To which the Doctor replyed: [146b] That those fears and Out-cries did arise from the height of his distemper, for that disease was often attended with lightness of the head, by reason the sick party could not sleep, and for that the vapours disturbed the brain: But you see Sir, quoth he, that so soon as you got sleep and betook your self to rest, you quickly mended, and your head settled, and so those frenzies left you.
And was it so indeed, thought Mr. Badman; was my troubles, only the effects of my distemper, and because ill vapours got up into my brain? Then surely, since my Physician was my Saviour, my Lust again shall be my God. So he never minded Religion more, but betook him again to the world, his lusts and wicked companions: And there was an end of Mr. Badmans Conversion.
Atten. I thought, (as you told me of him) that this would be the result of the whole; for I discerned by your relating of things, that the true symptoms of conversion were wanting in him, and that those that appeared to be any thing like them, were only such as the reprobates may have.
Wise. You say right, for there wanted in him, when he was most sensible, a sence of the pollution of his Nature; he only had guilt for his sinful actions, the which Cain, and Pharaoh, and Saul, and Judas, those reprobates, have had before him. [147a]
Besides, the great things that he desired, were, to be delivered from going to Hell, (and who would willingly?) and that his life might be lengthened in this world. We find not by all that he said or did, that Jesus Christ the Saviour was desired by him, from a sence of his need of his Righteousness to cloath him, and of his Spirit to sanctifie him. [147b]
His own strength was whole in him, he saw nothing of the treachery of his own heart; for had he, he would never have been so free to make promises to God of amendment. He would rather have been afraid, that if he had mended, he should have turned with the dog to his vomit, and have begged prayers of Saints, and assistance from heaven upon that account, that he might have been kept from doing so.
’Tis true he did beg prayers of good people, and so did Pharaoh of Moses and Aaron, and Simon Magus of Simon Peter. [147c]
His mind also seemed to be turned to his wife and child; but alas! ’twas rather from conviction that God had given him concerning their happy estate over his, than for that he had any true love to the work of God that was in them. True, some shews of kindness he seemed to have for them, and so had rich Dives, when in Hell, to his five brethren that were yet in the world; yea he had such love, as to wish them in Heaven, that they might not come thither to be tormented. [147d]
Atten. Sick-bed Repentance is seldom good for any thing.