Wise. You [147e] say true, it is very rarely good for any thing indeed. Death is unwelcom to Nature, and usually when sickness and death visit the sinner; the first taking of him by the shoulder, and the second standing at the Bed-chamber door to receive him; then the sinner begins to look about him, and to bethink with himself, These will have me away before God; and I know that my Life has not been as it should, how shall I do to appear before God! Or if it be more the sence of the punishment, and the place of the punishment of sinners, that also is starting to a defiled conscience, now rouzed by deaths lumbring at the door.
And hence usually is sick-bed Repentance, and the matter of it: To wit, to be saved from Hell, and from Death, and that God will restore again to health till they mend; concluding that it is in their power to mend, as is evident by their large and lavishing promises to do it.
I have known many, that, when they have been sick, have had large measures of this kind of Repentance, and while it has lasted, the noyse and sound thereof, has made the Town to ring again: but alas! how long has it lasted? oft-times scarce so long as untill the party now sick has been well. It has passed away like a mist or a vapour, it has been a thing of no continuance. But this kind of Repentance is by God compared to the howling of a dog. And they have not cried unto me with their heart, when they howled upon their bed. [148a]
Atten. Yet one may see, by this, the desperateness of mans heart: [148b] for what is it but desperate wickedness, to make promise to God of amendment, if he will but spare them; and yet so soon as they are recovered (or quickly after,) fall to sin as they did before, and never to regard their promise more.
Wise. It is a sign of desperateness indeed; yea, of desperate madness. For surely, they must needs think, that God took notice of their promise, that he heard the words that they spake, [148c] and that he hath laid them up against the time to come; and will then bring out, and testifie to their faces, that they flattered him with their mouth, and lyed unto him with their tongue, [148d] when they lay sick, to their thinking, upon their death-bed, and promised him that if he would recover them they would repent and amend their ways. But thus, as I have told you, Mr. Badman did. He made great promises that he would be a New man, that he would leave his sins, and become a Convert, that he would love, &c. his godly wife, &c. Yea many fine words had Mr. Badman in his sickness, but no good actions when he was well.
Atten. And how did his good wife take it, when she saw that he had no Amendment, but that he returned with the Dog to his vomit, to his old courses again?
Wise. Why it [149a] broke her heart, it was a worse disappointment to her than the cheat that he gave her in marriage: At least she laid it more to heart, and could not so well grapple with it. You must think that she had put up many a prayer to God for him before, even all the time that he had carried it so badly to her, and now when he was so affrighted in his sickness, and so desired that he might live and mend, poor woman, she thought that the time was come for God to answer her prayers; nay, she did not let with gladness, to whisper it out amongst her Friends, that ’twas so: but when she saw her self disappointed by her husbands turning Rebel again, she could not stand up under it, but falls into a languishing distemper, and in a few weeks gave up the Ghost.
Atten. Pray how did she dye?
Wise. Die! she dyed bravely; full of comfort of the faith of her Interest in Christ, and by him, of the world to come: she had many brave Expressions in her sickness, and gave to those that came to visit her many signs of her salvation; the thoughts of the Grave, but specially of her Rising again, were sweet thoughts to her. She would long for Death, because she knew it would be her Friend. She behaved her self like to some that were making of them ready to go meet their Bridegroom. [149b] Now, said she, I am going to rest from my sorrows, my sighs, my tears, my mournings and complaints: I have heretofore longed to be among the Saints, but might by no means be suffered to goe, but now I am going, (and no man can stop me) to the great Meeting, to the general Assembly, and Church of the first-born which are written in Heaven. [149c] There I shall have my hearts desire; there I shall worship without Temptation or other impediment; there I shall see the face of my Jesus, whom I have loved, whom I have served, and who now, I know, will save my soul. [149d] I have prayed often for my husband, that he might be converted, but there has been no answer of God in that matter; Are my prayers lost? are they forgotten? are they thrown over the barr? No; they are hanged upon the horns of the golden Altar, and I must have the benefit of them my self, that moment that I shall enter into the gates, in at which the righteous Nation that keepeth truth shall enter: I say, I shall have the benefit of them. I can say as holy David; I say, I can say of my husband, as he could of his enemies. As for me, when they were sick my cloathing was of sack-cloth, I humbled my soul with fasting, and my prayer returned into my bosom. [150a] My prayers are not lost, my tears are yet in God’s bottle; I would have had a Crown, and Glory for my husband, and for those of my children that follow his steps; but so far as I can see yet, I must rest in the hope of having all my self.
Atten. Did she talk thus openly?