At the third conference he said, "Death bindeth me strait. O how sweet a thing it is to seek God in health, and in time of prosperity to make our accounts, for now I am so distempered that I cannot get my heart framed to think on my account, and the life to come." The minister told him, "He behoved to fight against sickness and pain, as well as sin and death, seeing it is a temptation."——He answered, "I have taken the play long. God hath given me thirty-five years to repent, but alas! I have mispent it:" and with that he covered his face and wept. The minister assured him, that although his day was far spent, yet he behoved in the afternoon, yea when near evening, to run fast, and not to lie in the field, and miss his lodging, upon which he, with uplifted eyes, said, "Lord, how can I run? Lord, draw me, and I shall run," Cant. i. 4. The minister hearing this, desired him to pray, but he answered nothing; yet within an hour he prayed before him and his own lady very devoutly, and bemoaned his own weakness both inward and outward, saying, "I dare not knock at thy door, I ly at it scrambling as I may, till thou come out and take me in; I dare not speak; I look up to thee, and look for one kiss of Christ's fair face. O when wilt thou come!"
At the fourth conference he charged the minister to go to a secret place and pray for him, and do it not for the fashion; I know, said he, prayer will pull Christ out of heaven. The minister said, "What shall we seek, give us a commission." He answered, "I charge you to tell my beloved, that I am sick of love." The minister desired if they should seek life or recovery, he said, "Yea, if it be God's good pleasure, for I find my fear of death now less, and I think God is now loosing the root of the deep-grown tree of my soul so firmly fastened to this life." The minister told him, If it were so, he behoved to covenant with God in dedicating himself and all he had to God and his service, to which he heartily consented, and after the minister had recited several scriptures for that purpose, such as Psal. lxxviii. 36. &c. He took the Bible, and said, Mark other scriptures for me, and he marked 2 Cor. v. Rev. xxi. and xxii. Psal. xxxviii. John xv. These places he turned over, and cried often for one love blink, "O Son of God, for one sight of thy face."
When the minister told him his prayers were heard, he took hold of his hand and drew him to him, and said with a sigh, Good news indeed, and desired him and others to tell him what access they had got to God in Christ for his soul,—They told him they had got access, at which he rejoiced, and said, "Then will I believe and wait on, I cannot think but my beloved is coming leaping over the hills."
When friends or others came to visit him, whom he knew feared God, he would cause them go and pray for him, and sent some of them expresly to the wood of Kenmuir on that errand. After some cool of a fever (as was thought), he caused one of his attendants call for the minister, to whom he said smiling, "Rejoice now, for he is come. O! if I had a tongue to tell the world what Jesus Christ hath done for my soul."
And yet after all this, conceiving hopes of recovery, he became more careless, remiss, and dead, for some days, and seldom called for the minister (though, he would not suffer him to go home to his flock), which his lady and others perceiving went to the physician, and asked his judgment anent him.——He plainly told them, There was nothing but death for him if his flux returned, as it did. This made the minister go to him and give him faithful warning of his approaching danger, telling him, his glass was shorter than he was aware of, and that Satan would be glad to steal his soul out of the world sleeping; this being seconded by the physician, he took the minister by the hand, thanked him for his faithful and plain dealing, and acknowledged the folly of his deceiving heart in looking over his affection to this life when he was so fairly once on his journey toward heaven; then ordered them all to leave the chamber except the minister, and causing him to shut the door, he conferred with him anent the state of his soul.
After prayer the minister told him, He feared that his former joy had not been well grounded, neither his humiliation deep enough, and therefore desired him to dig deeper, representing his offence both against the first and second table of the law, &c. whereupon his lordship reckoned out a number of great sins, and, amongst the rest, freely confessed his sin in deserting the last parliament, saying, "God knoweth I did it with fearful wrestling of conscience, my light paying me home within, when I seemed to be glad and joyful before men, &c." The minister being struck with astonishment at this reckoning after such fair appearance of sound marks of grace in his soul, stood up and read the first eight verses in the 6th of the epistle to the Hebrews and discoursed thereon, then cited Rev. xxi. But the fearful and unbeliever, &c. and told him he had not one word of mercy from the Lord to him, and so turned his back, at which he cried out with tears (that they heard him at some distance) saying, "God armed is coming against me to beat out my brains; I would die; I dare not die; I would live; I dare not live; O what a burthen is the hand of an angry God! Oh! what shall I do! Is there no hope of mercy?" In this agony he lay for some time. Some said, The minister would kill him,—Others, He would make him despair. But he bore with them, and went to a secret place, where he sought words from God to speak to this patient.
After this another minister came to visit him, to whom he said, "He hath slain me," and before the minister could answer for himself said, "Not he, but the Spirit of God in him." The minister said, Not I, but the law hath slain you, and withal told him of the process the Lord had against the house of Kenmuir. The other minister read the history of Manasseh, and of his wicked life, and how the Lord was intreated of by him. But the former minister[58] went still upon wrath, telling him, He knew he was extremely pained both in body and mind, but what would he think of the lake of fire and brimstone, of everlasting burning and of utter darkness with the devil and his angels. My lord answered, "Woe is me, if I should suffer my thoughts to dwell upon it any time, it were enough to cause me go out of my senses, but I pray you, what shall I do?" The minister told him he was still in the same situation, only the sentence was not given out, and therefore desired him to mourn for offending God. And farther said, What, my lord, if Christ had given out the sentence of condemnation against you, and come to your bed-side and told you of it, would you not still love him, trust in him, and hang upon him? He answered, "God knoweth I durst not challenge him, howbeit he should slay me, I will still love him; yea though the Lord should slay me, yet will I trust in him, I will ly down at God's feet, let him trample upon me, I will die, if I die, at Christ's feet." The minister, finding him claiming kindness to Christ, and hearing him often cry, O Son of God, where art thou, when wilt thou come to me! Oh! for a love-look! said, Is it possible, my lord, that you can love and long for Christ, and he not love and long for you? Can love and kindness stand only on your side? Is your poor love more than infinite love, seeing he hath said Isa. xlix. 15. Can a woman forget, &c.? My lord, be persuaded yourself, you are graven upon the palms of God's hands. Upon this, he, with a hearty smile, looked about to a gentleman (one of his attendants) and said, I am written, man, upon the palms of Christ's hands, he will not forget me, is not this brave talking.
Afterwards the minister, finding him weaker, said, My lord, the marriage day is drawing near; make ready; set aside all care of your estate and the world, and give yourself to meditation and prayer and spiritual conference. After that he was observed to be still upon that exercise, and when none were near him, he was found praying; yea, when to appearance sleeping, he was overheard to be engaged in that duty. After some sleep, he called for one of his kinsmen with whom he was not reconciled, and also for a minister who had before offended him, that they might be friends again, which was done quickly. To the preacher he said, "I have ground of offence against you, as a natural man, and now I do to you that which all men breathing could not have moved me to do; but now because the Holy Spirit commands me, I must obey, and therefore freely forgive you as I would wish you to forgive me. You are in an eminent station, walk before God and be faithful to your calling; take heed to your steps; walk in the right road; hold your eye right; for all the world decline not from holiness; and take example by me." To his cousin he said, "Serve the Lord, and follow not the footsteps of your father-in-law" (for he had married the bishop of Galloway's daughter); "learn to know that you have a soul, for I say unto you the thousandth part of the world know not that they have a soul: The world liveth without any sense of God."
He desired the minister to sleep in a bed made upon the ground in the chamber by him, and urged him to take a sleep, saying, "You and I have a far journey to go; make ready for it." Four nights before his death, he would drink a cup of wine to the minister, who said, "Receive it, my lord, in hope you shall drink of the pure river of the water of life, proceeding from the throne of God and from the Lamb." And when the cup was in his hand, with a smiling countenance he said "I think I have good cause to drink with a good will to you." After some heaviness the minister said, "My lord, I have good news to tell you.——Be not afraid of death and judgment, because the process that your Judge had against you is cancelled and rent in pieces, and Christ hath trampled it under his feet."——My lord answered with a smile, "Oh! that is a lucky tale, I will then believe and rejoice, for sure I am, that Christ and I once met, and will he not come again." The minister said, "You have gotten the first fruit of the Spirit, the earnest thereof, and Christ will not lose his earnest, therefore the bargain betwixt him and you holdeth." Then he asked, What is Christ like, that I may know him? The minister answered, He is like love, and altogether lovely, Cantic. v. &c.
The minister said, "My lord, if you had the man Christ in your arms, would your heart, your breast and sides be pained with a stitch?" He answered, "God knoweth I would forget my pain, and thrust him to my heart, yea if I had my heart in the palm of my hand I would give it to him, and think it a gift too unworthy of him." He complained of Jesus Christ in coming and going—"I find, said he, my soul drowned in heaviness; when the Lord cometh he stayeth not long." The minister said, "Wooers dwell not together, but married folk take up house and sunder not, Jesus Christ is now wooing and therefore he feedeth his own with hunger; which is as growing meat as the sense of his presence." He said often, "Son of God, when wilt thou come; God is not a man that he should chance, or as the son of man that he should repent. Them that come to Christ he casteth not away, but raiseth them up at the last day." He was heard to say in his sleep, "My beloved is mine, and I am his." Being asked if he had been sleeping? he said, he had, but he remembered he had been giving a claim to Christ &c. He asked, "When will my heart be loosed and my tongue untied, that I may express the sweetness of the love of God to my own soul;" and before the minister answered any thing, he answered himself, "Even when the wind bloweth."