WOOD. Hasn’t she? to tell you the truth no more have I. (aside) I shall seize the earliest opportunity of giving Carver notice to quit.
MRS. L. With a young and blooming bride for a companion, how delightful it will be! The Alps! Mount Vesuvius! the Colosseum at Rome!——
WOOD. Yes, very delightful; but very fatiguing; besides, I’ve seen it all. I know Switzerland and Italy, just as well as I do St. Martin’s Church. I admit I’ve only seen the Colosseum at Rome, twice; but as on my second visit I found it in exactly the same state as on my first visit, I’ve no wish to pay it a third visit, merely to establish the fact that on my third visit, I found it in exactly the same state as on my second visit.
MRS. L. But your wife hasn’t seen it.
WOOD. What of that? I can describe it to her, can’t I? besides, I married to stop at home, not to go abroad! in a word, Mrs. Woodcock, like a sensible woman, entirely approves of the programme I have drawn up for our connubial existence. (taking paper out of his pocket) Here it is—I haven’t consulted her about it, but she entirely approves of it, nevertheless. In the morning she’ll attend to her household duties, while I go out fishing—I’m very fond of fishing! After dinner she’ll do a little gardening, water the plants, pull up the weeds, kill the caterpillars, while I smoke my cigar, and—look on. In the evening she’ll take her work, darn the stockings, sew on buttons, and so on, while I take a nap in my arm chair. Then we wind up with a lively game at dominoes, or “double dummy,” have a light supper—pork chops, or a basin of gruel, and—retire! (throwing paper on the table)
MRS. L. (smiling) Very charming, indeed! but pray be cautious! if you plunge poor dear Caroline too suddenly into such a vortex of gaiety and dissipation, I’m afraid it will be too much for her! (satirically)
WOOD. (aside) What Larkings could possibly see in this woman, I can’t imagine!
MRS. L. One word more! now, Mr. Woodcock! look at me, Mr. Woodcock! When Mrs. Colonel Carver consented to your marriage with her daughter, was she acquainted with your previous career, Mr. Woodcock? your long catalogue of follies and extravagancies, Mr. Woodcock?
WOOD. (alarmed and anxiously) Hush!
MRS. L. Your notorious reputation for gallantry, Mr. Woodcock?