Exeunt, R. 2 E.
WOOD. (coming slowly down—after a short pause) It’s all over! there’s not the slightest doubt about its being all over! the knot is tied, and I am fairly launched on the sea of matrimony! I felt uncommonly nervous at first, and then, to make matters worse, I thought I never should have got my white kid gloves off; and yet they were quite loose when I put them on. I can’t imagine what made them shrink so, unless it was the state of nervous excitement they were in—I mean, I was in! ’Pon my life, after all, a wedding in a country town is a very jolly affair! In London, a couple walk into church and out again, and it makes no more sensation than if they went into a pastrycook’s and bought a bun a piece! but in the country it creates a general excitement—the bride and bridegroom become objects of universal sympathy—I mean, curiosity—everybody wishes them joy, at least they say they do! In short, as I said before, it’s a very jolly affair! I shouldn’t mind being married two or three times a week for a considerable time to come. (seeing DAVID) Ah, David!
DAVID. (sighing, and very seriously) So, you be really married, sir?
WOOD. (assuming a very hilarious manner) Yes, David! quite married! You may look at me with the perfect conviction that you are contemplating the portrait of a gentleman thoroughly, totally, and completely married. (DAVID turns away to hide his laughter) You needn’t turn your head away, David. I don’t mind your laughing. I’m laughing myself, ha, ha, ha. (forcing a very loud laugh—then after a short pause) It does seem funny though, doesn’t it, David?
DAVID. (L. C.) Yes, sir! it is a rum go and no mistake!
WOOD. I said nothing about a “rum go,” David,—I limited myself to the expression “funny!”
DAVID. Only to think of your settling down into a respectable member of society! Dear, dear, when I think of your desperate, wild, audacious capers——
WOOD. Hush, David! not so loud? my respected mother-in-law might hear you; and between you and me Mrs. Colonel Carver is rather a formidable sort of person!
DAVID. Ees, sir! she has a stiffish, frumpish look with her!
WOOD. I said nothing about “stiffish and frumpish,” David,—I limited myself to the expression “formidable.” As you say, David, I have been a sad scapegrace—a desperate rascal—but when a man has been cutting capers and nothing but capers for twenty years, it’s high time he cut them altogether—in plain English, I felt I had had my whack, and that’s why I’ve just married Miss Caroline Anastasia Sophia Elizabeth Carver!