Soften and melt and pierce and break
An adamantine heart.
Confirm then your love toward him, and you will thereby heap coals of fire upon his head.
2. But see that the manner also wherein you speak, be according to the gospel of Christ. Avoid every thing in look, gesture, word and tone of voice, that savours of pride or self-sufficiency. Studiously avoid every thing magisterial or dogmatical, every thing that looks like arrogance or assuming. Beware of the most distant approach to disdain, overbearing, or contempt. With equal care avoid all appearance of anger, and though you use great plainness of speech, yet let there be no reproach, no railing accusation, no token of any warmth, but that of love. Above all, let there be no shadow of hate or ill-will, no bitterness or sourness of expression; but use the air and language of sweetness as well as gentleness, that all may appear to flow from love in the heart. And yet this sweetness need not hinder your speaking in the most serious and solemn manner: as far as may be, in the very words of the oracles of God, (for there are none like them) as under the eye of him who is coming to judge the quick and dead.
3. If you have not an opportunity of speaking to him in person, or cannot have access, you may do it by a messenger; by a common friend, in whose prudence, as well as uprightness, you can throughly confide. Such a person, speaking in your name, and in the spirit and manner above described, may answer the same end, and in a good degree supply your lack of service. Only beware you do not feign the want of opportunity, in order to shun the cross; neither take it for granted, that you cannot have access, without ever making the trial. Whenever you can speak in your own person, it is far better. But you should rather do it by another than not at all: this way is better than none.
4. But what if you can neither speak yourself, nor find such a messenger as you can confide in? If this be really the case, it then only remains, to write. And there may be some circumstances, which make this the most advisable way of speaking. One of these circumstances is, when the person with whom we have to do, is of so warm and impetuous a temper, as does not easily bear reproof, especially from an equal or inferior. But it may be so introduced and softened in writing, as to make it far more tolerable. Besides, many will read the very same words, which they could not bear to hear. It does not give so violent a shock to their pride, nor so sensibly touch their honour. And suppose it makes little impression at first, they will perhaps give it a second reading, and upon farther consideration, lay to heart, what before they disregarded. If you add your name, this is nearly the same thing, as going to him, and speaking in person. And this should always be done, unless it be rendered improper by some very particular reason.
5. It should be well observed, not only that this is a step which our Lord absolutely commands us to take, but that he commands us to take this step first, before we attempt any other. No alternative is allowed, no choice of any thing else: this is the way; walk thou in it. It is true, he enjoins us, if need require, to take two other steps. But they are to be taken successively after this step, and neither of them before it. Much less are we to take any other step, either before, or beside this. To do any thing else, or not to do this, is therefore equally inexcusable.
6. Do not think to excuse yourself for taking an entirely different step, by saying, “Why, I did not speak to any one, ’till I was so burdened that I could not refrain.” You was burdened! It was no wonder you should; unless your conscience was seared. For you was under the guilt of sin, of disobeying a plain commandment of God. You ought immediately to have gone and told your brother of his fault between you and him alone. If you did not, how should you be other than burdened (unless your heart was utterly hardened) while you was trampling the command of God under foot, and hating your brother in your heart? And what a way have you found to unburden yourself? God reproves you for a sin of omission, for not telling your brother of his fault; and you comfort yourself under his reproof, by a sin of commission, by telling your brother’s fault to another person! Ease bought by sin is a dear purchase: I trust in God you will have no ease, but will be burdened so much the more, ’till you go to your brother, and tell him, and no one else.
7. I know but of one exception to this rule. There may be a peculiar case, wherein it is necessary to accuse the guilty tho’ absent, in order to preserve the innocent. For instance: you are acquainted with the design which a man has against the property or life of his neighbour. Now the case may be so circumstanced, that there is no other way of hindering that design from taking effect, but the making it known without delay, to him against whom it is laid. In this case therefore this rule is set aside, as is that of the apostle; Speak evil of no man: and it is lawful, yea it is our bounden duty, to speak evil of an absent person, in order to prevent his doing evil, to others and himself at the same time. But remember mean-while, that all evil-speaking is, in its own nature deadly poison. Therefore if you are sometimes constrained to use it as a medicine, yet use it with fear and trembling; seeing it is so dangerous a medicine, that nothing but absolute necessity can excuse your using it at all. Accordingly use it as seldom as possible; never but when there is such a necessity: and even then use as little of it as is possible; only so much as is necessary for the end proposed. At all other times, go and tell him of his fault, between thee and him alone.
II. 1. But what if he will not hear? If he repay evil for good? If he be enraged rather than convinced? What if he hear to no purpose, and go on still in the evil of his way? We must expect this will frequently be the case; the mildest and tenderest reproof, will have no effect, but the blessing we wished for another, will return into our own bosom. And what are we to do then? Our Lord has given us a clear and full direction. Then take with thee one or two more: This is the second step. Take one or two whom you know to be of a loving spirit, lovers of God and of their neighbour. See likewise that they be of a lowly spirit, and cloathed with humility. Let them also be such as are meek and gentle, patient and long-suffering; not apt to return evil for evil, or railing for railing, but contrariwise blessing. Let them be men of understanding, such as are endued with wisdom from above; and men unbiassed, free from partiality, free from prejudice of any kind. Care should likewise be taken, that both the persons and their characters be well-known to him. And let those that are acceptable to him be chosen, preferable to any others.