CHAP. II.
Of the Love of married Persons.
1.THE marriage-covenant binds all that enter into it, to several other duties, as well as to chastity: but not under the same forfeiture, failing in these breaks God’s command, but does not break the bond of matrimony. No ill-behaviour dissolves this, while we are not wronged as to the marriage-bed. Thou art still an husband or a wife, though thy yoke-fellow is wanting in many duties. Be careful therefore to do thy own part still, however slenderly thou art requited.
2. The duties common to husbands and wives, partly respect themselves, and partly their families. All the former sort may be reduced to two heads, love and the fruits of love. First, Love: their hearts must be united as well as their hands: else their union will be more troublesome than can be imagined. Love is the life and soul of marriage, without which it differs from itself as a carcase from a living body. This makes all things easy, whereas the absence of it makes all things hard. Love seasons and sweetens every state; love composes all controversies. In whomsoever love prevails, to them only marriage is what it should be, a pleasing combination of two persons into one home, one purse; one heart and one flesh. And this love must have two especial properties, first, It must be spiritual; secondly, matrimonial. It must be spiritual in its ground, and in its working. Its chief ground must be the commandment of God. A Christian must love his wife, not only because she is beautiful or loving, but chiefly because God enjoins it. The wife must love her husband, not only because he is handsome, kind or well-behaved, but because God the sovereign of all souls, has commanded women to be lovers of their own husbands. Not the face, portion or good qualities of the married, must be the chief cause of their loving each other, but the will of God; and that affection which stands on this stable foundation will be lasting: while that which stands on any other consideration, will be subject to change every hour. For how can the building stand fast, if the foundation sink away? Either some storm of contention will overthrow that love, or it will fall down of itself thro’ age. Or else it will degenerate into jealousy, the devouring canker-worm, that eats up the hearts of married persons, and consumes or spoils the sweet fruit they may reap. But he that loves his wife, because she is his wife, and God commands him to love her as such, will love her, so long as she is his wife, whatever she prove beside. Thou lovest thy wife, because she is fair, good-humoured, courteous: but what if all these should fail? Thou lovest thy husband, because he is handsome, sensible, kind: but where will thy love be, if these things should alter? You see there is no firmness in that love, which is procured only by these motives. But if thou love thy wife or husband, because God enjoins it, then thy love will be constant and perpetual.
3. This property of love, that it is spiritual, built on the rock of God’s commandment, answers all the objections which many would make against it in their own cases. “Who, says a man, can love such a wife?” “And what wife, says a woman, can love such an husband?” I answer, a man whose affection is spiritual, can love even such a wife. And the woman who has attained to spiritual love finds it possible to love even such an husband.
4. But as the ground of their love must be spiritual, so must also the working thereof. It must seek the spiritual good of the person beloved, by every possible means. For that love which seeks only their temporal welfare, deserves no better name than carnal love. But surely those who love each other, because God bids them, will love each other as God bids them. They will be careful of each others souls, as well as of their bodies and estates. But alas! How exceedingly does the love of most married people fail herein? Thou art kind to thy wife or husband, and it goes to thy heart, to think any thing should be wanting for their good. It is well; but so may a Turk as well as thou, if by good, thou meanest only that which is temporal. But dost thou seek to help thy yoke-fellow to heavenly, as well as earthly benefits? This is spiritual love: this becomes a Christian husband, and a Christian wife. Be not then carnal in your love, walking as men, but spiritual as the children of God.
5. *But remember farther, that your love must be matrimonial, as well as spiritual. It must be matrimonial, with regard, 1. To the degree, and 2. To the effect of it. For the first, A man should love his wife, a woman her husband, above all the creatures in the world. Next to the living God, the wife is to have the highest place in the husband’s heart, and he in her’s. No neighbour, no friend, no parent, no child, should be so near and dear to either as the other. They are joined in the closest of all unions; therefore their mutual affection should be most abundant. They must do more and suffer more for each other, than for any other in all the world. They must bear with more faults in each other than any besides, and be ready to take more pains for each other.
6. Secondly, As to the effect of this love, it should knit them together, that they may receive full satisfaction in each other. Love should cause a man to account his wife the only woman in the world: and so the wife to account her husband the only man in the world. The persons of each should be to the other the most precious of all persons. Do any object, this cannot be, unless every man and every woman, could find in their own yoke-fellow as amiable qualities as are to be found in others: I answer, not the good qualities of either, but the good pleasure of God is the ground of their mutual dearness. Good qualities make this duty more easy: but it is still a duty, tho’ good qualities be away. A man may lawfully think another woman a better woman than his own wife. But he may not love another woman, tho’ more virtuous, above his own, tho’ less virtuous. This is the effect of matrimonial love, to settle the heart of each upon the other, above all in the world besides. It admits of none equal in affection, but places the yoke-fellow next to our own soul. Nor will it bear the desire of change, but so links their hearts together, that in this respect they are only dear to each other.
7. The means to get and confirm this love, is to have one house, one table, one bed. But besides this natural means of procuring love, there are two spiritual means. The one is, to take special notice, of God’s gracious providence in their match. They must often consider, that God joined them together, for their mutual benefit, as being on the whole fitter for each other, than any person besides could be. We know, that a mean gift is often respected, for the giver’s sake. And he that loveth God, cannot but love all his blessings for his sake. Wherefore remember, that God in great goodness (for crosses also come to God’s children from his goodness) hath bestowed this yoke-fellow, and thou shalt dearly love thy wife or husband, tho’ perhaps not so well-tempered. For the dearness of the giver will countervail the defects of the gift. And then thy yoke-fellow’s distempers will grieve thee indeed, but not alienate thy affection.
8. Another means of uniting your souls is, constantly to join in exercises of piety. Pray together: sing together: confer together, concerning your heavenly country. And this will be found an excellent means of confirming your mutual love. These will nourish the Spirit of holiness in you: and that inkindles love wherever it comes. By these you will soon perceive yourselves to have been spiritually profitable to each other: and to receive a spiritual benefit cannot but beget and nourish spiritual affection. Naturally you would grow weary of each other: but if you season your natural communion, with this communion in spiritual things, it will prevent all satiety. Jars and contentions are the great hindrances of love; but the joining together in these exercises, will cause you to jar far more seldom: nor will any sudden jar fester or rankle, so as to breed hard thoughts of one another, which are the bane of love. Prayer will prevent most contentions and compose all: for when you shall appear before God in prayer, instead of blaming each other, you will each blame yourself, and then all contention will cease.