9. But some may say, “What shall I do, who have such an husband or wife, as neither can nor will join with me, in the service of God?” I answer, pray for that yoke-fellow, who will not pray with thee. The less able or willing they are to intreat for themselves, the more frequently and earnestly intreat God for them. It may be, God will give thee thy desire, and turn their hearts to thee. At least, thy own soul will gain an increase of heavenly love to them. And this is sure, that to love your yoke-fellow spiritually and fervently, tho’ you are not loved again, is far better, than to be loved of them, without so loving.
CHAP. III.
Of the Effects of Love.
1.THE effects of nuptial love are three, Pleasingness, Faithfulness, Helpfulness. The first, which must mix itself with all the rest, is an earnest desire to please each other, so far as it is possible to be done, without sinning against God. Wherefore the husband must do or leave undone, any thing he can, that he may please his wife: and the wife must in any thing cross her own desires that she may satisfy his. In diet, attire, choice of company, and all things else, each must fulfill the other’s desire, as absolutely as can be done, without transgressing the law of God. As difficult as this may seem at first, practice will make it easy. Resolutely begin, and the proceeding will be pleasanter than the beginning. Especially if both labour together, each seeking to oblige the other. For it cannot be difficult to satisfy one, who desires to take as well as to give satisfaction.
2. But some will say, “This suits not me, nothing will satisfy my froward yoke-fellow.” I answer, It may be so: it is not in ones power, to make a froward person take a thing well. But it is in your power, to do your best, to satisfy such an one; and to strive the more, the more averse to peace your companion is. “But it is hard, to be still striving against the stream.” It is; but duties must not be omitted because they are hard. The scholar, who has an hard lesson, must take the more pains to learn it. So the husband or wife, that has a perverse companion, must take the more pains to please them. Let the difficulty therefore make thee more diligent: and encourage thyself in this tedious labour, by thinking, “If after all I cannot please my yoke-fellow, I shall not fail to please God. Yea, and the harder the work is, the better he will take it at my hands. Therefore I will so behave, that they may receive content in all things, if any thing but sin will content them.” This caution indeed we must observe; for we may not, to please anyone, sin against God. If any thing but sin will satisfy, thou must do it, be it ever so contrary to thy own will. But if thou canst not fulfill the desires of a creature, without breaking the law of God, then thou must not fulfill them: better offend a mortal man, than the immortal God.
3. In the next place, husband and wife are to be faithful and helpful to each other. These two must always be united: therefore we speak of them together. This was the principal thing which God designed in the creation of the woman. It is not good, saith he, for man to be alone: I will make him an help meet for him. And undoubtedly man was intended to give, as well as to receive help. This helpful fidelity consists in their mutual care to abstain from and prevent whatever might grieve or hurt either: and to do themselves, and incite others to do, whatever might comfort or benefit either. And this must extend to the soul, the body, the name, and the estate.
4. First, to the souls, by provoking each other on all occasions, to inward and outward holiness. The husband must further the wife in all goodness, and the wife the husband: for she has also liberty to stir up her husband, by intreaty and fair means. And as they have special opportunity, so they should be always ready, with special diligence, to provoke one another to love and to good works. O how sweet is the society when they thus watch all occasions to further each other in godliness! Again; being continually together, they may discover in each other divers corruptions and imperfections. They must not turn these into matter of contempt, but of compassion and care for each others reformation. They should observe each others temper, ’till they perceive what infirmities each is chiefly inclined to, and then diligently abstain from what may provoke that evil, and apply all means that may heal it. If all their labour does not avail, they must not fear to seek the help of some common friend, who possibly may effect that cure, which themselves had endeavoured in vain. And if even this does not succeed, still they must wait and pray, referring the matter to God, the only physician of the soul, who is able in due time to redress all.
5. The same faithful helpfulness they owe, to the bodies of each other. They must shun all things that might cause sickness or pain to each other, and readily undergo any pains or cost, according to their power, to procure whatever is necessary either to keep or recover their health. They must comfort each other, in the days of sorrow, that worldly sorrow work not death. The wife must be health to her husband in his sickness: she must support his weakness, and he her’s. Sickness and weakness are things which of themselves are hard enough to be borne. There needs not the addition of unkindness to make the burden heavier. Let every husband and wife avoid or mend this fault, and be particularly careful of their behaviour, at that time above all, when either is visited with grief, or weakness, or sickness. When your wife is sick or pain’d, then comfort her with loving words, and chear her by a tender countenance. Then see that she want no looking too, no help which thou canst procure. When thy husband is sick or weak, then stay him with comfortable speech, revive him with diligent attendance. Do all thou canst, to ease his pain, and to recover his strength. Let thy love and care be his best physic, and thyself his best physician. This is to be faithful to thy husband’s body, and to “cherish him in sickness as in health.”
6. In the third place, man and wife must be faithfully helpful to each others names, and that in a double respect: in maintaining them both between themselves and also among others. First, they must hold fast a good opinion of each other, so far as it may possibly stand with truth. Yea, it is no blame for them to have somewhat too good an opinion of each other: for a man to think his wife not only more handsome, but more wise and good than she is; (making her virtues carry a greater show to the eye, by looking at them thro’ the glass of love:) and for her to think him not only more proper, but more kind and good than he really is, by taking things with that largeness of good interpretation, which much love naturally puts upon them. Certainly then they should be peremptory to give no place to ungrounded, unwarranted surmises. They must on no account suffer their hearts to grow mistrustful of each other. All rash, ill-built, hasty surmises, must be far from them. Otherwise love will go out at the same door, at which suspicion came in. He or she that has a suspicious head, has not a truly loving heart. Such may be lustful or fond; but an holy, virtuous, spiritual affection they cannot have. So long as they give way to evil surmisings, there is no place for this. *And therefore of all domestic makebates, of all that breeds quarrel between married people, nothing in the world is more pestilently effectual to this bad end than jealousy. Having leavened the heart, it makes the speech tart and sharp, the countenance sour, the whole behaviour distasteful. No good words, no good actions, or [♦]gestures, or looks can proceed from a jealous heart. Jealousy will make one suck mischievous things out of his own fingers ends. Suffer not therefore this evil weed to grow up in the garden of matrimony. For no good herb will prosper by it; no praise-worthy thing will flourish. Let all then that are married, detest any thought of this kind that may arise. Let their hearts disdain to give the least credit, unless the proofs be more than manifest. Away then with this makebate jealousy, this quarreler suspicion, this breeder of brawls, this mother and nurse of contention, this underminer of love and of good husbandry, of all that should be profitable to an houshold. Away with it, I say, out of thy heart: chase it far from thy breast, from thy house. It is better to receive ten wrongs without suspecting, than to suspect one that is not received. Wherefore as thou wouldst stand for the good name of thy companion, against the tongue of a slanderer, so stand for it against the dreams of thy own heart, against thy own slanderous imagination. And if any person will suffer his lips to be so ill employed, as to become Satan’s bellows, by blowing these coals betwixt you, by telling thee this or that, rebuke such a person, reject his words with detestation, flee his company, nor defile thy ears and heart, by giving gentle audience to a whisperer and talebearer. In a word, wouldst thou love or be loved? Wouldst thou live otherwise in marriage, than as in a prison or dungeon? Then strengthen thy heart against all suspicion, and rather be any thing than jealous.
[♦] ‘guestures’ replaced with ‘gestures’