First, The Lord’s mercy manifested in Christ freed me from this spirit of bondage, and gave me a taste of the liberty of the sons of God. He in great measure removed the grounds whereon I most feared it, viz. Sin the sting of death, and want of evidence about the reality of future things.
Secondly, Whereas there still continued some fear upon a near prospect of it, I was much relieved by God’s promise, that we should not be tempted above what we are able to bear, especially when I recollected my former experience. I remember one day in particular, I was opprest with fear of death, when God mercifully suggested to me, “Hast thou not shrunk under the remote prospect of other trials, and yet been carried through them? Why shouldst thou distrust him as to future trials, who hath so often helped thee in time of need?” I then considered, it is no way proper that God should give his grace before our trial comes: but rather that he should keep us humble and dependent by reserving it in his own hand, and teach us to submit to his wisdom, as to the measure and time of performing his own promises. And I have ever since rested in this faith, that the Lord is a God of judgment, and that blessed are all they who wait on him; not doubting either his faithfulness as to the accomplishment of his promises, or judgment as to the right timing and measuring them, in proportion to our necessities. Hereupon I rest to this day; I dare not say I am ready to die; I dare not say I have faith or grace sufficient to carry me through death; I dare not say I have no fear of death: but this I say, there is sufficient grace laid up for me in the promise; there is a throne of grace to have recourse to; and there is a God of judgment, who will not with-hold it, when it is really the time of need.
PART IV.
CHAPTER I.
Of his entrance upon the ministry, and behaviour at Ceres.
1.WHEN I was under the violent strugglings before-mentioned, I had laid aside all thoughts of the ministry; for I could not entertain a thought of preaching to others what I did not believe myself. But now the scene being changed, I was, after long deliberation and fervent prayer, determined to comply with my mother’s desire (who had devoted me from my childhood to this work) with the advice of my most pious friends, the importunity of many others, and the motions of my own heart. For I had a lively sense of the strong obligation laid upon me, to lay out myself in the service of my good master, and I thought the nearer my employment related to him, the happier it would be.
2. Accordingly on May 1, 1700, I entered into holy orders, and May 5, began my ministry at Ceres. From this time he prepared his [♦]sermons with much secret prayer, for a blessing thereon, both to himself and his hearers. His practice also was, exactly to review and remark his behaviour in public duties; what assistance and enlargement of heart he obtained, and what concern for the souls of his hearers. When he fell short, it was matter of humiliation to him; when he was assisted, of greater gratitude and watchfulness.
[♦] “ser-sermons” replaced with “sermons”
3. Knowing he was to watch over souls, as one that must give account, he had the weight of this charge much upon his spirit: he therefore laboured to know the state of the souls of his flock, that he might be able to guide them according to their particular cases. In order thereto he was diligent in visiting all the families within his parish, in instructing his people by catechizing, and in marking their proficiency in the knowledge of the gospel. Especially, before administring the Lord’s supper, he conversed severally with those who desired to partake thereof, to try what sense they had of real religion; what influence the word of God had had upon them: and what fruits of it were in their hearts and lives, that he might deal with their consciences accordingly.