4. But he was not so well aware of another snare which was laid for him: for soon after, having some thoughts of marriage, he gave way by little and little, till he found his heart was quite drawn away from God. Hereby he was quickly plunged into utter darkness of soul, and fell under stronger convictions than at first. He often told his brother, “he was in hell.” He wandered about in the fields by night, seeking rest, but finding none; and often threw himself on the earth, and beat his head against the ground. And once when his brother and several others were present, he cast himself on the ground, roaring aloud for the disquietness of his heart, and beat and cut himself in several places.
5. He was quite delivered in a moment, in December last, and the Lord was with him as at the first. But after this deliverance, he began more sensibly to feel his want of inward holiness. He had always walked very circumspectly, having a tender conscience, even in the smallest things, avoiding all light discourse, and finding constant power over anger, his bosom-sin. But this did not make him shut his eyes against the light, which shewed him the corruptions of his heart: And this knowledge, in particular, he was willing to learn, even from the meanest instrument. Nor did it cost any one much trouble to teach him; for he was indeed a man that feared always: being so jealous of his own heart and conduct, that half a sentence, sometimes a single word, or even a look, would shew him what was amiss. And reproof, instead of falling short, would frequently strike much deeper than was intended.
6. He was very zealous for the Lord, and had great opportunities of shewing it in his daily business. For abundance of tinners came to his shop (he being a smith by trade) both at morning and mid-day and in the evening, to have their tools repaired. These he continually exhorted and reproved, with great boldness and plainness of speech: and yet so meekly, that few of them went away angry, and the greater part were quite in love with him.
7. His common hours of sleep, were between eleven and five. He was very diligent in his labour. Yet he could not refrain from breaking it off now and then, to go up into a little room, which he had purposely [♦]built just over his shop, and pour out his soul before God. But he soon made up the time he had thus employed, so that no necessary business was neglected.
[♦] “just built” replaced with “built just” per Errata
8. He had frequent and sore conflicts with the enemy of souls, who was permitted to sift him with divers temptations. One of the most dreadful was, doubting the being of a God; but out of this also the Lord delivered him.
9. His love of souls cannot easily be described, especially those that were more immediately under his care. If any thing was amiss in his class or band, he often felt the weight, before he discovered the reason of it: and would lay it home to them with the greatest earnestness, till he had found out the accursed thing. But his love was by no means confined to these. He would lament over sinners of every kind, those especially who would not hear the call of God, with inexpressible grief and tenderness. The prophet Jeremiah was in this his particular favourite. He used to tell much concerning, “The weeping prophet:” And was often saying to himself, O that my head were waters, and mine eyes a fountain of tears! If ye will not hear, my soul shall weep for you in secret places.
10. By this eager love of souls, he was even constrained at the time we had no preacher among us, himself to exhort, first our own, and then other societies, to continue in the grace of God. But he had many sharp trials concerning this, fearing he should run before he was sent: till one day in May last, being in deep distress, he went up into his room, threw himself down before God, and ceased not to wrestle with him in prayer, till all his doubts fled away, and he was fully convinced what was the will of God concerning him.
11. He often complained, that the world was a burthen to him, and he wanted to be wholly sequestered from it. But God convinced him at length, this was not right. “I now, said he, see plainly, there is such a thing as going through any business, and taking all prudent care, yet so as it shall only pass through our hands, without either troubling or intangling our hearts.”
12. For some time he was under another mistake. He was even to an extreme, negligent of his apparel, thinking it was below the character of a Christian, to have any, the least concern about it. But afterwards he was clearly convinced, that in this also he had gone too far, and that a Christian ought even by his outward neatness, to shew forth the purity of his mind.